This Film Blew

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I'm currently 28 years old and is it just me or are most of the generations above mine not quite as rude? I don't mean rude in the sense that my generation slams doors into old people's faces. That's not because of rudeness.. that's because they keep voting for things that end up fucking us over and there's more of them. I mean 'rude' as in that they say things that sound sexual without any obvious clue as to what they're doing. For example I was in work the other day and a member of the generation above mine said, “Is anybody going to come with me?” She then looked out of the window to see it was raining and added, “Or am I going to be getting wet all by myself?” Nobody even smiled! I was even talking to my own Mum after that about her partner who was told he couldn't go running any more because his knee was basically buggered. After discovering he'd gone out running regardless, I asked “I didn't think he was able to run any more because of his knee?” To which my Mum obliviously responded with, “Well, I just told him to get a strap on and now he can”. I mean how did she not hear that? How is a strap-on going to help somebody run? Is that to hand to somebody faster to wear and then have them fucking chase you?

All of this is, in my opinion, probably the reason that the 50 Shades Of Bland series has become so popular because having just seen 50 Shades Darker, I can confirm it sure as fuck isn't the story. The film begins with a woman whose name quite literally makes her sound like somebody pretending to be a cliché of a high-class hooker, Anastasia Steele. She doesn't want to go back out with her creepy boyfriend Christian Grey because he's clearly a fucking weirdo and probably because his name makes him sound like a shit review of a crappy religious band. Anyway.. they quickly bump into each other because he's stalking her and decide to carry on going out anyway. That's pretty much the story. That's all there is. It's essentially like an adaptation of the 'Mr Tickle' Mr Men book but if a couple of the pages had been jizzed together by mistake. I mean there's a couple of sub-plots that seem to fizzle out and evaporate pretty quickly like a jar of old piss that's been left out in the sun. There's a creepy woman that keeps breaking into Grey's flat which pretty much goes nowhere. Nor is it ever explained how she keeps getting into his impenetrable fortress. I guess she must just come in through the vents like that squishy guy from the fucking X-Files. Ana also has a boss that turns a bit rapey for no other reason than the plot requires it. God damn us men constantly thinking with our dicks.

And thinking with our dicks is pretty much the problem really, because I'd been led to believe this franchise was a kinky smut-fest. Sometimes guys get bone-ons because the stuff they're seeing is a turn-on, and sometimes it's because we just get them. However throughout the entire duration of this movie I'd be lying if I felt even so much as a 'downstairs twitch'. At one point, the film patronises the audience on the definition of a conversation as being along the lines of, “when two people talk to each other and both are awake”. Well the story of this movie is pretty shit and so my brain was asleep, and the porno-ness of it was also pretty shit and so my cock remained asleep too. Not that I was hoping to find myself with a stonk-on of course. I was with my mate and that'd be weird. Unlike Pee Wee Herman, a bone on at the cinema is not what I call a good night out. However considering the series's reputation and considering it has fuck all story.. surely its shagging scenes are basically all it has? And what's the point of them if it can't even give me a cheeky boner? I mean the film is two hours long.. there's was a chance I could have gotten one of them in that time out of sheer randomness alone. Therefore in the spirit of Siskel and Ebert's At The Movies I'd have to give 50 Shades Darker one bored cock down.

I mean, we live in a world of the internet, in which you can type in the perviest thing you can think of and add the words, “ends with squids popping out” and I guarantee you'll find that video. So to simply see a couple of actors naked and pretending to have a quick bonk doesn't quite seem enough to me to justify this franchise... and certainly not its reputation. Unless of course I'm right about the generation above mine just not being as rude as we are and therefore being a little oblivious to what taboos have already been well and truly fucked else-where. I mean for a series with the reputation that this one has it's pretty odd that.. and to quote my friend, “you didn't even get to see her clopper'. At one point you see a bit of his pubic hair and, fuck me, it was like something from the 1970's. The last time I saw a bush that fucking big it had Bill Oddie hiding in. If she'd decided to give him a blow-job with his pubes like that then if he glanced down it'd look like he was being sucked off by Tom fucking Selleck. Also I thought this film was meant to be about S&M or something? Because the kinkiest thing in it was a stick used to hold the womans ankles apart? That's not really kinky these days though is it? I went to Amsterdam once and saw a giant rubber cock attached to the end of a fucking black and decker. Who really gives a shit about the ankle stick in a world in which you can buy a product called the fucking 'Drilldo”.

Oh, the two sort of play what I suppose is considered a kinky game at one point, when at a public meal Christian tells Ana to remove her knickers. This made some of the audience I was watching the film with giggle as though they couldn't believe what they were hearing. Ana then looked around sheepishly before quickly dropping her underwear in what was quite possibly one of the easiest fucking challenges ever. I mean, for a start her knickers seem to be made out of Harry Potter's Invisibility Cloak because they were practically fucking see through as it was. When he set her this task by saying, “remove your underwear”, he may as well have said, “peal that bit of cling-film of ya chuff will yah!” Because both cases are pretty much as noticeable as each other. If you'd spotted it happening you'd have literally just thought that she had an itchy arse before seeing a piece of loose cotton fall to her ankles. Anyway, after she's done that the two get into a crowded lift with them both behind everybody else. Christian then thinks it'd be a sexy idea to start fingering her as though nobody will notice. But is that sexy? Because it seems pretty fucking gross to me. I mean have you ever been a lift? They reek of piss at the best of times and now that poor girl is having the stench from the floor piped directly into her.

Perhaps I'm being unfair though. 50 Shades Darker is a terrible film with a boring story and a pretty tame depiction of sex considering what you might expect from it. And yet I am male. If I want to see something like this then the internet will provide in an instant. But porn is undeniably catered more towards men than women. Just look at their horrible fucking titles. Even the tamest most romantic porno ever will be called something along the lines of 'Making this dirty bitch gag like the fat slag she is'. Sure it's true that the bulk of the audience that I saw this film with were of an age in which it certainly seemed close to menopause o'clock. Perhaps though the popularity of this franchise isn't that it's catering to a generation that's quite prudish, but rather a gender that has been somewhat neglected by the entertainment industry in terms of their filthy needs. If I was to find anything positive to say about this film then it'd be that the sex is depicted as being pretty respectful of both parties. Sure he's meant to be the dominant to her submissive but she seems to enjoy being the submissive as much as he does the dominant and when she wants to take control he does seem to drop to his knees and put his hands out like a cross between Caesar from Planet Of The Apes and The Gimp from Pulp Fiction. Alas though it was still crap and I imagine the only way you could get me to watch it again would be if you chained me up and dragged me there screaming... which admittedly would probably be in the spirit the film intends. Thanks for reading, motherfuckers, and see you next time.