Last
night I watched 13 Assassins which
is a 2010 Samurai movie directed by the controversial Japanese
film-maker Takashi
Miike. On average, it seems that Miike releases about two or three
films a year which is, to put it bluntly, completely fucking mental.
There was this one time that I was climbing around the bathroom,
pretending to be Tarzan when I slipped and actually cracked my cock
on the sink. Because of this, I then had to go and spend a few hours
in hospital whilst doctors made sure that I didn't die of a bruised
knob-shaft. In the time it took me to tit about and waste valuable
NHS time and money, Miike would probably have completed about nine
new movies. If I have any national pride, it's in our ability to
dismiss a huge achievement because it dared to impress us. I don't
know about Japan, but over here in Britain we have a saying that says
'nobody likes a show off'.
Despite
his immense back catalogue however, and up until last night, I'd
actually only seen a couple of his films. Audition
was
one of them and is probably my favourite Japanese horror-rom-com to
feature someone desperately drinking from a bowl of genuine puke. The
other was Ichi the
Killer which
has got to be one of the most mental films of all time. It starts
with its title being spelt out in real jizz and then degrades down
hill from there. From those two films alone I was kind of under the
impression that Takashi Miike is a man of extremes. Apparently he's
also made a few kids films too which suggests that he's either a lot
more diverse than I'd released or that there's a lot of fucked up
children now out there.
Set
in the 1840's, 13
Assassins starts
with a scene in which a lone Japanese chap commits the act of
Hara-kiri. This is basically when somebody uses a dagger to tear
themselves open and rip their own guts out. Apparently it's got
something to do with the Samurai honour code but in reality it just
looks like suicide for the hardcore. According to wikipedia, “it is
usually part of a more elaborate ritual and performed in front of
spectators”. With that in mind I think I know exactly what I'd like
to see Piers Morgan do to improve his ratings on his next show.
Despite its graphic nature, Miike
shows distinctive restraint here by keeping the majority of violence
off screen. I guess this instead has the effect of showing us the
emotional pain of the scene rather than simply shocking us with a
gratuitous shot of Shogun offal. In this case Hara-Kiri was committed
as a way for the character to express his disdain towards the films
main villain. Thank God then that Facebook was invented so that now
all we'd have to do is de-friend the cunt and tag him as a picture of
a shit.
The
villainous Lord Naritsugu Matsudaira looks a bit like a cheap Chow
Yun-Fat action figure and really is a massive wanker. I know you
shouldn't judge a book by its cover but when someone practices
archery by committing infanticide, I think it's safe to assume
they're probably a wrong'un. In another horrendous scene we're
introduced to a woman who has had her family killed, her tongue
removed and all of her limbs chopped off by him. Simply because of
his twatish whims, he's turned her into an orphaned, meaty,
draft-excluder. On top of all that, he also likes to shag the
occasional woman using the same favoured position as British
personality Jimmy Saville. The immoral position of course being that
there's nothing ever wrong with a good hard rape. So yeah overall,
Lord Naritsugu Matsudaira is really kind of a rotten Japan-apple.
Thankfully though, the noble Samurai are on hand to dole out their
honourable justice which apparently doesn't require a trial or
evidence but will result in an on-the-spot execution. So I guess they
basically have a similar legal system to that of Texas.
The
story from here on in is hardly complicated, which isn't particularly
a bad thing. You don't exactly need a brain to be able to follow the
plot of porn and I've got no qualms with that... Here, the first half
is spent recruiting assassins and the second half is the inevitable
showdown.
This
is all fair enough although I do question some of the manipulation
used to convince people to join their dangerous mission. At one point
a group of Samurai are told to fight on the grounds that, “he who
values his life dies a dogs death.” Most dogs are peacefully put to
sleep to avoid any more suffering when they've reached a fine old
age. Kurt Cobain on the other hand had a shotgun in his mouth and
then blew his fucking brains out. Unless the dog was Korean and given
a choice I'd definitely go for the one that doesn’t involve
Courtney Love faking my suicide.
Not
that killing themselves would be a problem for any of these
characters by the way. They all seem so eager to die that you could
be forgiven into thinking that this film was the lucid hallucinations
of fame obsessed teen girl. I'd hate to disrespect the Samurai
traditions but the only time that I'm that desperate for death is
when I accidentally catch a glimpse of Psychic Sally Morgans
shrivelled face of bullshit. I'm usually not a fan of censorship but
with its constant themes of suicide and honour, my suggestion would
be that maybe we shouldn't show 13
Assassins in
Bridgend. That's presuming of course that there's anyone there left
to watch it anyway.
I've
read several reviews of this film and the majority seem to be under
the impression that the first half is a little dull. I think I'm
going to have a disagree slightly but that might be a fault of my own
more than anything. Admittedly it's a little slow and talky but I've
not seen that many Samurai movies and so this was all quite new to
me. I therefore found it all quite interesting, just as a glimpse
into how that culture worked. I guess being able to see how somebody
else lives is one of the great things about cinema. Another example
like that could be something like City
of God which
brilliantly
depicted life in
the Brazilian slums.
Oh,
and there's also Lord
of the Rings which
taught me that all New Zealanders are hairy little midgets and also a
tiny bit gay.
In
regards to the second half of the film, there's no doubt that the
action is both exciting and well handled. For a director more
renowned for flicking body juice at the screen, the gore here is also
admirably held back. In fact, there's more emphasis on kineticism and
choreography than splatter and spaff. Personally, I would say that
there's no doubt that here, Miike has drawn significant inspiration
from legendary director Akira Kurosawa. 13
Assassins
has an old school and classic feel to it that's more in line with
Seven
Samurai than
whatever sex fuelled snuff films Miike usually seems influenced by.
The final showdown involves the Assassins rigging up a town with so
many traps that in the end it plays out like an ancient and lethal
re-enactment of the tacky 90's game-show Fun
House. If
there's any mistake then it would probably be the inclusion of a herd
of obviously CG'd cows that charge through the town. Having said
that, it's nice to see that the herd have found work since appearing
in the opening scene of Mars
Attacks.
Another
criticism could be that overall, the characterisation does at times
seem a little bland. On Team Honour, there's thirteen individuals but
only a couple of them have any memorable personality. The leader is
your usual angry Obi-Wan and there's also some Japanese Brundlefly
that falls out of a tree and refuses to fuck off. With long hair on
top of a bald head, the rest really just come across as a gang of
miscellaneous Easterners attempting mimic the look of musical
comedian Bill Bailey. I realise that we don't have time to delve too
deeply into every-body's back story, but as things stand they're all
just a little too disposable. When people die I should feel emotion
but here I just found myself ticking each new death off like a
nonchalant Nazi reluctantly working the late shift in Auschwitz.
In
the end, 13
Assassins is
a perfectly decent action flick set up by an interesting first half
of exposition and off screen mutilation. Compared to learning what's
in Auditions'
sack, this might not be the most memorable of Miike's films but it's
still worth the ride. Also, considering how many movies the show-off
makes per year, it's a shame that only a handful leak out into the
rest of the world. Beyond the fun of just watching the movie, this
taught me so much about Japan that I didn't previously know. I've
been doing a Newspaper round for about ten years and these days I'm a
little lazy with it. I'm meant to deliver about three-hundred papers
but in reality I think I post about two and then throw the rest in
the canal. In comparison to my act of complacent efficiency, the
Samurai take their
job way too fucking seriously.
Follow this blog or I'll fucking cut you.
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