I recently went to the zoo for a friend’s
birthday and without a shadow of a doubt my favourite bit was seeing the
chimps. Surrounded by children, we all watched as one of the apes balanced on a
rope in front of us and then very slowly began to jettison a dollop of shit
from its inflated, pink, arsehole. However before his semi-liquid turd hit the
deck, he reached around, scooped it out of his slackened hoop and then popped
it into his mouth. He then turned around and cheekily showed us his cute monkey
smile which was only slightly ruined by the very eye-catching dribble of shite
running down his lips. Isn't nature beautiful! On a similar turd-chewing theme,
I recently watched
The Human Centipede which was hyped a few years ago
for its supposedly 'controversial' plot. Now as my monkey story hopefully
hinted towards, I enjoy a good poop incident as much as the next person.
However that film has got to be one of the worst things that I've seen in a
long time and I don't mean because it's gross, I mean because it was just
fucking rubbish.
The story in itself is fairly simple to
explain... There's a misanthropic, mad scientist living in the woods who
decides to stitch three people together by attaching lips to bum holes. You
know how sometimes a film can be so bad that it becomes funny? Well, this isn't
like that. Even with that plot and
factoring in the inevitable shitting scene, the biggest problem with the movie
is that it's just so fucking boring. For a start, it hasn't even attempted to
be frightening, or if it has then it's failed miserably. Perhaps the problem is
that to feel fear you're kind of required to empathise with those being
terrorised and yet the main characters here are the most irritating mongtards
to have ever walked the Earth. From the moment the two idiot lead girls show up,
their voices begin to grate so badly that I was practically giddy when it was
time to sew up their fucking mouths. It's therefore down to the mad scientist
to hold our attention, but in the way that he torments his victims and despite
the bum related operation, he is ironically just an unwatchable pain in the
arse. We don't know his motivation and once he's stitched them together he
doesn't even do anything interesting with them. In the end, the only thing that's
remotely terrifying about him is his obviously freaky face although even that
was undermined when I figured out that he looked like a botox-free Cliff
Richard.
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| "We're all going on a Summer holiday!" |
So if we take it as a fact that this scary
film isn't scary then perhaps the reason for its existence is actually as a
kind of gross-out challenge. Humans in general are pretty stupid and I know
that there are people out there who like to do things such as 'The Cinnamon Challenge'
because they think that puking in front of their friends is funny. I'm not even
being snobby about it as I've done it myself, although in my defence, it was a girl’s
idea and I was putting a lot of effort into trying to shag her at the time. I
figure if dribbling vomit down yourself for a lady isn't enough to get your hump
on then I don't know what is. As it turns out, I don't know what is. However,
if being gross is the films intention and it’s disgusting plot is just meant to
be funny then it fails again by not even showing the damned shit-eating scene
in any real detail. I mean, I'm kind of grateful that it didn't because seeing
women demeaned and forced to swallow a nutty, chocolate log is a level of
sexism that I'm thankfully not quite at yet. However surely that means that the
film is now completely pointless? If you want to watch a horror film then there
are plenty of others out there that are actually frightening. Or if you want
something to gross you out then I'm pretty sure Two Girls One Cup is
still floating about on the internet somewhere. Not only is that demented scat-film
significantly shorter but it also provides some insight into how little
humanity has really come since venturing out of the cave 200,000 years ago.
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| Here the director expertly expresses fuck all about anything. |
Several film reviewers have included The
Human Centipede in the sub-genre of 'body horror' which I suppose is
justified as the whole face-to-arse thing is done fairly realistically. Sadly
though the phrase, 'body horror' and the name David Cronenberg go almost hand
in hand and there's not much that can compete with his back catalogue of
genius. Cronenberg's films work as excellently as they do because in each case
the gore is used as a metaphor for the story’s subtext. For example, on the
surface, the crusty Jeff Goldblum of The Fly not only acts as a metaphor
for disease but also explores the idea of what it is that makes us who we are.
That film proved that it's not only possible to be intelligent but that it can
also have a scene in which we see the characters mangy cock has dropped off. In
a depressing contrast though, The Human Centipede has fuck all going on
below the surface. If you're being really generous then it could be considered
that the centipede represents society with the mouth of the Government at the
front and the lower class at the back taking all the crap. However that's the
thinnest metaphor ever and really isn't explored any further than that basic
description. Films like The Fly work by tapping into society’s
collective psyche and exploring our darkest fears. If that's the case here then
the idea that The Human Centipede is working with is, “Urgh wouldn't it
be horrible to get some poo in your mouth!”
So to conclude, it seems that the film
isn't gross, funny, scary or intelligent. It pretty much fails on every
possible level. There was this one time that I went for a piss in a McDonald's restaurant
when somebody noticed that one of the toilets was literally full of diarrhoea.
I'm not kidding when I say it was actually up to the very rim. It was then that
the dopey sod who'd found the mess decided it'd be a good idea to flush the
fucking thing. As water poured in, the obviously blocked toilet overfilled and
the shit flooded out. The knob-head who flushed it ended up coated in crap and
I stood there helpless and pissing as the lava-like puddle of turd crept
rapidly closer. I can only assume that the staff on duty would have earned
their exploitatively-low minimum wage that night. However that one moment
contained everything that this movie should have had but didn't. It was
graphically disgusting, traumatically suspenseful and fucking terrifying. I guess
to get across just how bad the film was we could use its own set-up as a little
analogy. Imagine three really bad films that are stitched together from mouth
to arse. Now feed the first one a lump of crap and then watch as it digests
through each of them becoming bigger and more stagnant until eventually being
shat out at the back. That final, massive uber-turd floating in an odorous
puddle like a tasty clagnut soup is literally about as much shit as The
Human Centipede was to watch. Also the title is kind of crap because
there's not enough people with enough legs to make up a centipede. If the film
did have a sense of humour then they should definitely have called it Kiss
My Arse!
Follow this blog or I'll fucking cut you.
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