Home Is Where The Heart Is

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There's a knock at the door, Javier Bardem's man of the house opens it to reveal a stranger and for some reason his wife, Jennifer Lawrence, doesn't divorce him straight away. If somebody I know knocks on my door then I dive behind the sofa as though a fucking shot has just been fired through the window. If it's a stranger knocking then not only am I not going to answer but I'm one fucking step away from setting the dogs on them. Luckily for them that one step is actually owning some attack dogs, but even if I'm not having these wannabe-guests ripped apart, then I'm still certainly not going to invite them in. Alas this is exactly what Bardem does when Ed Harris's stranger comes a-knocking and despite the fact that they don't know each other from fucking Adam, it's decided that the guest can stay the night. Not that Lawrence is especially happy about this because not only is Ed Harris a stranger but he's also Ed fucking Harris. Nothing good ever happens in movies when Ed Harris shows up. Hey, do you remember that movie where Ed Harris turns up and they all live happily ever after? No! Because it never fucking happens!

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Who the fuck ever knows what they want to do with their lives? Obviously I know what I'd like to do but, unless you happen to know of a private island that treats its bloggers to blowjobs then I guess I'll have to head back to the drawing board. How To Train Your Dragon 2 is all about this train of thought, with the lead character ‘Hiccup’ also struggling to find his place in the world. Having said that, it is interesting to see just how his situation differs to mine. When I was unemployed, my Mum genuinely suggested that I become an escort for lonely old women whilst a close friend actually recommended that I start “performing” for cash on a webcam. Both Hiccup and I are at a point in our lives where we just feel a bit directionless however at no point here does this film present him with the only two choices that I had. Will he fuck the hell out of some ageing, wrinkled tarts or will he wank himself stupid for some dirty old men? No... he'll just hang out with his dragon and explore a fantasy land until he figures it all out. What a prick!