Coming Out In The Cold

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Doesn't everyone just love it when it snows? Sure a few pensioners'll freeze to death... Junkies, hoboes and whores too I imagine! But at least we get to make some snowmen! I live in England where it doesn't really snow that often, the weather instead subjecting us to fifty-two weeks of over-cast bullshit a year. Even on the rare occasion that the Cloud God does choose to jizz forth his frosty joy and present us with some snow, it never lasts. Within an hour of having fun, the snow has all turned to sludge and the cars are all skidding about and killing people like a nationwide remake of Death Race but on ice. You know that joyful past time of the snowball fight? Well, if it snowed when we were in school then we'd have one of those in the playground. Harmless enough you might think except that most people tried to ensure that their chilly projectile was at its largest by filling it with rocks, broken glass and dog shit. All it took was a few flakes to hit the ground and we'd be left with an entire generation that'd be blind forever. I have no actual knowledge that could prove my upcoming statement... but if you find me somebody who has lost their sight, then I bet you that you've also brought me somebody who’s been hit in the eyes by a frozen turd.

Live And Let Live

In many ways I regret getting my dog because I've grown annoyingly fond of her and I know that one day the bitch will break my heart and die. For years I refused to watch animal documentaries because I didn't like the idea of seeing a shark rip open a seal or a crocodile pulling the head off a zebra. People say I should man up because it's just part of life, but fuck them! When I was younger I lived in the kind of area where a young girl would drop her pants in the park and then casually do a shit under the slide. Just because something's part of life it doesn't mean I need to watch Richard Attenborough narrate it on a Sunday night. Around the time she was doing her public dump, there seemed to be a weird sub-genre of animal abuse movies that masqueraded as kids films that I didn't like either. They all had the exact same plot in which a child would befriend an animal that would be taken away and tormented by the adults before being rescued by the kid at the end. Free Willy is probably a good example of this with the film-makers cleverly realising that the simplest way of creating drama in a film for children is by finding a cute, innocent creature and then fucking it up. Like those shit movies from my youth, my dog too has found herself in trouble when I've needed to protect her. Another dog attacked her once and so I had to kick it in the face... Job’s a good’n. Let's move on.