When Lockdown Starts To Do Damage

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The coronavirus continues to take its toll, lockdown drags on, my dog died, and I'm being forced to leave my home to find somewhere else to live. Fuck it, I'm going to watch Snakes On A Plane again. In case none of you have noticed, it's been a pretty fucking stressful year so far and sometimes you just need to turn off your brain and stare at something distracting for a couple of hours. Occasionally it might not even be porn either. Snakes On A Plane is a weird movie because it was all anybody could talk about until it actually hit the cinemas and then we all seemed to decide to just never to talk about it again. That's kind of what the Germans initially did regarding their Nazi atrocities after they'd lost the second world war. They just tried to hush the whole thing up and pretend it never happened until about twenty years later and the students suddenly began to question what their parents were trying to hide. I'm sure that nobody is going to claim that Snakes On A Plane is the greatest film of all time but is it as bad as the holocaust? Let me be bold and claim that I don't think it is. So why have we all decided to develop this collective amnesia in regards to its existence? How bad can it really be? Because having watched it the other day I have to ask myself a pretty important question, has Snakes On A Plane actually aged really well or has lockdown finally fucking broken me?

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The Film Is A Saddening Bore

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John Carter is the greatest film that has ever been made ever and I will die to defend it. Not really. Obviously. It's a massive piece of shit, but it was fun to write a sentence that no sane human being had ever written before. What a novelty it felt to do something so original. I only hope that the makers of this fucking God awful movie get to experience that one day themselves. What is John Carter about though? From its title we can guess that it's likely about a person called John Carter, but what else? That's hardly an exciting sounding name, is it? Maybe it's about a bank manager that gasses himself to death in his own car after walking past a mirror and seeing how fucking dull his life is? Can you think of any other movie titles that are just the main characters name but that isn't part of a pre-existing franchise? Because off the top of my head, I can only think of Jerry Maguire, Donnie Brasco and Vera Drake. Is that what John Carter is about? Is he a sports agent that goes undercover with the mob to perform illegal back-alley abortions? Because if not I've just found a really easy new way of coming up with new stories? What about Carrie, Domino, and Alfie? In which case John Carter could be about a telekinetic bounty-hunter whose womanising ways end after a trip to an.. oh.. to an illegal back-alley abortionist. Hmm. Well, I can tell you right now that John Carter does not involve the subject of abortion in the slightest. Although if I could kill it with a coat-hanger and then wash it down the drain then I absolutely would. 

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