26 November 2017

They Deserved Justice

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Despite my better judgement I was actually looking forward to Batman V Superman, and so you can imagine how silly I felt when it turned out to be a shit-spackled slab of cinematic dross. You can probably also imagine how silly I felt when, after having seen it, I again found myself getting excited for its Justice League sequel. Had I already forgotten about Jessie Eisenberg's performance as Lex Luthor which was more annoying than a wart on the gooch? Surely I could remember the 'Martha, Martha, Martha!' scene which made less sense than Donald Trump's pubic knots? Well, despite all of this, I had a small lump in my heart that Superman would no doubt claim as 'hope'. On retrospect it was probably just mounded cholesterol because, in the words of the great George W Bush, “Fool me once, shame on.. shame on you. Fool me... You can't get fooled again!” Without trying to mince my words, I am unhappy to report that Justice League is load of total wank.

DC's Extended Universe has always felt like it was playing catch-up to Marvel's which is a shame because these characters deserve better than they're getting. Understandably unable to settle with the simple truth that they enjoy the films despite the fact that they're objectively crap, the DC fans have decided that critics only slag these films off because they're all biased towards Marvel. Which is probably true. I mean, sure, the critics also slagged off most of the X-Men movies, all of the Fantastic Four films, Daredevil, Elektra, and both Ghostriders, which are all Marvel properties. And sure they actually gave rave reviews to the original two Superman movies, Christopher Nolan's Dark Knight Trilogy, and even the DCEU's own Wonder Woman. But you know.. critics are biased towards good movies, which just happen to be what Marvel are making these days. Like Batman V Superman and fucking Suicide Squad before it, Justice League is also unfortunately a bag of bollocks with it playing out like a cross between Gods Of fucking Egypt and Transformers. But not even the first Transformers which was just about tolerable.. but more like the second one in which even Michael fucking Bay seemed to be having an off day.

The story, from what I can tell, involves Thor's Malekith turning up in a cheap Tim Curry-from-Legend cosplay outfit, and ultimately having so much trouble with a magical box that he was like a colourblind nerd with a Rubik's cube. Batman and Wonder Woman decide to recruit a team of heroes to help fight this dullard because presumably they think that the villain might be so boring that any one person will fall asleep in his company and a gang of them can take it in shifts. As such, they recruit a robot that has all of the look of a cheap Iron Man knock-off but none of the wit and charm of Tony Stark. I think his name was Cybore. There's also Aquaman who was this film's equivalent of Thor but a hell of a lot more of a wet fucking drip. Aquaman was like what people thought was cool in the 90's, but crossed with a blended Frankenstein mish-mash of the cast from the Point Break remake. Oh and then there was the Ezra Miller's Flash - the Quicksilver of the group, who existed as the films' comic relief, except that almost nothing he said was actually funny. Miller is always great, and so his character was moderately likeable, but you could literally have replaced his dialogue with the words “Insert funny line here”, followed by the stage directions of “Canned Laughter. Looks to Camera. Winks”.

Also, did you notice how in the very opening scene Batman didn't have a beard but then in the next one Bruce Wayne did? Did a huge amount of time elapse between these two shots and the film just never bothered to tell us or make any kind of deal about it? In which case what was the point in it? I mean it takes me about four years to be able to grow anything close to a beard and even then it's got more holes in than the plot of this fucking movie. The two problems with this are the fact that in a film to feature some of the most famous superheroes of all time I really shouldn't be so bored that I'm getting distracted by Ben Affleck's fucking facial hair. Secondly, I think we're all aware that the film underwent extensive re-shoots and you can sadly fucking tell. I suspect that the two scenes were filmed months apart and maybe even with two different directors. Zack Snyder was originally in charge before a family tragedy forced him to quit with Joss Whedon jumping in to take his place. Beyond anything else, this is a shame for the film because Snyder might be able to frame a shot but he seemingly can't tell a coherent story to save his life. Joss Whedon is a talented storyteller but even the best doctor in the world wouldn't be able to do more with a corpse than kick it away into a fucking ditch.

As such, the final product has the usual lack of coherence of Snyder's work but with the added tonal inconsistencies of Whedon's now intrusive sensibilities. Perhaps the biggest problem of the movie though is that I'm just not sure why we're meant to give a damn? At least one character manages to come back from the dead and at no point are any of the others in even the remotest sense of jeopardy. And nor would I have cared if they had been, to be honest. The cannon fodder of the movie seem to be the Geonosian warriors from Attack Of The Clones after they've squeezed themselves into a pair of tight leather pants. At one point we even see Aquaman surfing one through a building in a scene of such awful CGI that you could actually see it becoming dated in fucking real time. However if at any point he even had been in any danger I really wouldn't have given a shit. Why should I? What reason have I been given to care about him beyond the fact that I might have once read some comic books to feature him? Admittedly I did feel a lot of tension whilst watching Justice League but that was only because I'd had a bout of diarrhoea before the film started and I was hoping it wouldn't kick in again until after the credits. Luckily the only shit I actually saw throughout was being projected onto the screen and so I suppose I shouldn't moan.

And by the time the film did end I guess I didn't particularly hate it. I didn't like it, but I didn't hate it. The story made no real sense, there was barely a sign of any fully developed character, the action was dull, and the CG looked like a Playstation One cutscene after having fucking mud kicked into your eyes. However it wasn't the worst film in this currently crappy shared universe. It might be about nine steps back from Wonder Woman but it's still one step forward from Batman V Superman. The villain here was so forgettable that even when he was on screen and his name Steppenwolf was mentioned, I still thought of the band and heard 'Born to be Wild' play in my head. But at least he didn't get on my tits like Jessie Eisenberg did in the last film. Also this one was about seven days shorter than Batman V Superman, which felt so long that by the end, I'm pretty sure that I had some ownership of the cinema through squatters rights. I'd say that I'm a casual fan of DC in that I love Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman, but beyond that my knowledge gets hazy. However I do sincerely hope that the hardcore DC nerds can enjoy this film considering its very existence is clearly so important to them. Justice League should be the gourmet meal of comic book movies, when in reality it seems to be one of those dodgy looking burger vans by the side of the road. If the DC fans enjoy their ground up snouts and hooves in a bun then I really am happy for them. Thanks for reading, motherfuckers, and see you next time.

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