21 October 2013

The Girl Who Cried Pedo

There's no denying that if you're trying to get shit to stick then you can do a lot worse than calling somebody a kiddie fiddler. Take my friend’s neighbour for example who, about five years ago, was genuinely sent to jail for abusing his very young grand-daughter. From that point on he'll forever be known as a paedophile no matter what he does. Say the same guy wakes up one day and discovers that one of his kitchen cupboards contains a portal leading directly to heaven, he'd instantly become the most famous man on the planet- I mean, he would basically be discovering proof of God so how could he not? But if that did happen, now and after he's been to prison the printed headline most news papers would actually go with would still be something like, “Creepy Nonce To Definitely Burn In Hell”. I'm not saying that that's a bad thing either, by the way. I'm pretty much of the opinion that even if you did do something great like say... oh, I don't know... direct Chinatown... then as brilliant as whatever you've done might be, you'll still never be excused for your unforgivable rapeyness. However that's not also to say that as a society we aren't maybe a little bit over-paranoid about the boogeyman breaking in and you know... fucking our children.

Over the years there's been surprisingly few films that examine the sexual damage that a fully grown adult can inflict on a minor. I guess Hollywood just feels that those stories might not have the feel-good conclusions that audiences flock to piss their cash all over. As a result, each one that does get made kind of focuses on a different aspect of the world of the kiddy fiddler. For example, 2004's The Woodsman looked at what it might actually be like to be a paedophile whereas 2005's Hard Candy was more concerned with the joy of chopping off their fucking balls. I'm not sure if it's the most recent pedo-centric film to be released but the other day I saw a new entry on the subject called The Hunt. This movie was directed by Thomas Vinterberg who people may remember as being the co-creator of the pretentious dogma 95 movement along with the worlds most awkward Nazi, Lars Von Trier. Here however Vinterberg has kindly made a film in the conventional manner that this time tells the story of a school teacher who is falsely accused of being a pedo by some six year old little bitch.

"Can you show me on the doll how big his cock was?"

The teacher in question is played by the always phenomenal Mads Mikkelsen who is shunned from his community with more haste than a leper with an erection. As it turns out, the lying little tart is his best friend’s daughter who, to be fair, does deny her life-destroying claims as soon as she witnesses their consequences. However thanks to this blanket of fear that we all seem to live under, the adults don't care about her retraction and instantly set about finding proof of her evil teachers cuntish ways. They bombard the child with leading questions until she's so confused that she doesn't know what she's admitting to and then they tell her what they imagine happened. Within a couple of days the bastard-stupid school that Mikkelsen worked for has convinced every parent that their kid was probably maliciously jizzed over causing them to start an ill-informed rampage of revenge. At no point to us is the accused’s innocence under question with the film more interested in the escalation of the witch hunt and the idea of mud sticking. As I mentioned at the beginning, as hobbies go, society isn't too fond of child abuse and so we tend not to forget the name of those who practice it. I suppose that in the end the message of The Hunt is simply ‘who really needs evidence when you've got so much fucking hate?’

Before watching the film I kind of knew I'd love it because it was getting such a positive reception and I'm a huge fan of Mikkelsen however I didn't expect to love it quite as much as I did. I think I've mentioned it in another recent blog but I'm kind of a sucker for some self-controlled annoyance and so for me this was a field day of irritation. Every time some idiot parent jumped to the wrong conclusion or vilified the innocent man I wanted to scream at them for being such a fucking dickbrain. I mean, it is good that we care about the wellbeing of our younglings, but it's the way everybody is so happy to destroy a good man’s world with so little actual proof. The only evidence that they have is that the young girl briefly claimed it and according to them, “Children never lie”. I mean are you actually kidding me? I might be knocking on now but it's not been that long since I was a kid and I'd lie all the god damn time if I needed to. In fact I knew one little girl who took a dump in the middle of the street and told me to tell everybody a dog had gone and done it. Now that wasn't exactly the fucking truth was it?!

However I suppose the main reason that I got so pissed off with these fucking idiots is because of Mikkelsen's performance as their victim. If I didn't care or couldn't empathise with the shitty-as-shit situation that he'd been forced into then the impact of the mobs retarded determination wouldn't be quite so powerful. The film constantly threatens to go into Straw Dogs, Rambo, one man against everybody territory, but intelligently never actually goes there. Instead, Mikkelsen's character withdraws from public only seeking to defend himself if directly accused. Considering the abuse he's receiving some might see him as being a pussy for this, but it does make sense. He's clearly suffering from the shock and stress of what's going on and any act of defiance really would cause the locals to run for their torches and pitch-forks. It is frustrating that he often fails to stand up for himself but it is perfectly believable behaviour considering the poor guy is also having the shit kicked out of his existence. I guess it would be the happiest day of the mobs’ collective lives if they could brutally murder a 'pedo' in self-defence and with no sense of mercy.

I don't want to spoil anything but this all builds to a supermarket standoff that is more emotional than watching a dying puppy get smothered by its sobbing doggy mother. It's at this point too that I noticed the similarities between The Hunt and another masterpiece; We Need To Talk About Kevin. Both films feature an adult being shunned by the town because of some fucking idiot kid and both depict the grimness of trying to do the weekly shop when surrounded by glaring, judgemental twats. I have basically no conclusion for having pointed that out but it's still worth knowing in case you ever fancied a gritty, grim-tastic double feature. I also enjoyed the emotion of the very end in which regardless of what actually happens, the mental scarring that the teacher has picked up is hinted towards. To be fair, if I could draw a face that represents a damaged psyche I would probably go for Mikkelsen's which is like a sunken eyed, Skeletor that's been garnished with a slither of Danish skin.

It's also a good time to see a film like this as we in England seem to be having a bit of a nonce-epidemic right now. Since the death of the pervy creepophile Jimmy Saville, pretty much anybody born before 1959 has been accused of sticking a part of themselves up someone who’s several un-grown pubes too young. Although there's no denying that pretty much all of them have the sinister face of a twisted pervert, some of them have also somehow been found innocent. However when it turns out that somebody like British television host Jim Davidson isn't guilty, the phrase we use to break the news is still, “He got off with it”… which kind of implies that even though he's been proven not to have done anything we still think he did and just got away with it. Even I can't believe that Davidson wasn't guilty although I suspect that’s more down to my dream that the hate-filled cunt would one day get shivved to death in the yard of some grotty prison. I guess the doubt that we retain about those sinister looking entertainers is the same doubt that the village would have for someone like Mikkelsen. Sadly for him though he doesn't have the expensive lawyers or high security walls that our great nations child loving entertainers can unfortunately afford.

"If you see it, you suck it!"
Despite having been released in 2012, it has just been announced that The Hunt will be entered as a candidate into the 2014 Oscar awards. This is an amazing movie and if we absolutely have to introduce a competitive element to art then I do hope it wins that giant golden dildo. The acting was amazing, the cinematography was gorgeous and the story was like a cattle prod to the brain, resulting in the occurrence of violently provoked thoughts. Having seen how little Mikkelsen had done to have his life come crashing down on him, I'm sure we can all empathise with his situation. The other day I was minding my own business when some wild toddler came running head first into my leg causing me to accidentally knee his face into the mudded, stony, ground. Although his grand-parents saw what happened and didn't give a shit, I'm sure in an alternate reality I could have been accused of attacking the stupid little knob. Having said that, I was also secretly chuffed about what had happened and the lack of any consequences simply became the icing on the child-assault cake!

Anyway, so as you can probably tell I'm waffling now which is usually a sign that I don't know how to end this shiz. So I'll just say that you should see this film because it's amazing. In Casino Royale Mikkelsen played a character called Le Chiffre who is one of my all time favourite Bond villains. Despite his character doing something as risky as gambling away his terrorist-clients money though the stakes in The Hunt are actually a lot higher for him. Le Chiffre suffers from a condition which causes his eye to randomly weep blood known as heamolacria. However if he went to prison for as long as your average paedophile does, it wouldn't be his eye that was dripping with blood but the rip in his systematically raped, arsehole. And with that image I'll call this a day. Bye everybody!

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