I know it makes me a horrible person and
for a change I honestly mean no offense, but meaty limb-stumps are something
that I just can't cope with. In fact I was recently watching the British
daytime show This Morning when they featured a man on it who had
actually had a hand transplant. Now
don't get me wrong, this does show how miraculous science can be, but fuck me
it was horrible. I mean, the poor bloke had somehow lost his original hand,
doctors had stuck on some dead guys in its place and I can see how amazing it
was that he could slightly control it. But firstly, it was the wrong skin
colour, secondly, it was too big, and thirdly, it was stitched on in such a
crude horror-movie type way that you'd assume the surgeon had trained by
watching bloopers from Frankenstein. I wouldn't touch a dead body if I
found one so I certainly wouldn't want bits of it sewn onto me. Given the
choice, I would much rather go for having a hook over some random corpses
wanking claw. Not only that but the feature was obliviously summed up by the
host who couldn't have chosen a poorer choice of words if she'd tried. In
conclusion to a story about a man who now owns a dead guys hand, Holly
Willoughby genuinely described the issue as “gripping”.
Thankfully though, the Marvel Cinematic
Universe has come up with a better solution than turning amputees into Boris
Karloff. The plot for Iron Man 3 centres around an experiment which can
completely regrow missing limbs with only the smallest of catches... If it goes
wrong there's a chance you'll heat up by thousands of degrees and explode like
a massive burning cunt. Obviously this becomes an issue for Tony Stark who
suspects these fleshy blood-bombs might be a result of a new super-terrorist
known as the Mandarin. Quickly things escalate for Stark who discovers asking a
tooled up nutter to come and attack him might not be the most sensible of
moves. Like a menstrual interior designer, the Mandarin calmly responds to this
threat and bombs Tony's house into oblivion leaving him homeless, lost and stuck
with a broken suit. Too make things even more tricky, Stark is also suffering
from some degree of trauma having under gone a minor case of death when
previously pissing about with The Avengers and a nuclear bomb.
For this third entry in the franchise, Shane
Black has been brought on to co-write and direct and for me, it's really him
that makes this film what it is. Black made his name in the late eighties when
he managed to sell his Lethal Weapon script whilst only just into his
twenties. However, despite his youthful success making me want to puke down my
tits, I actually think he may be my favourite screenwriter working in
Hollywood. Although there had been films that featured friends in the past, he
was really the first to successfully stick that relationship into an action
movie and have the chums bicker for two hours. This was a concept that was
clearly aided by Black’s genius sense of humour and ear for really sharp and
witty dialogue. Although I could just copy and paste his scripts because every
line is so good, I suppose one example from a previous Black film might be
after a character named Gay Perry is asked
if he's still gay, “Me? No. I'm knee-deep in
pussy. I just like the name so much, I can't get rid of it”.
In fact for me, Iron Man 3 feels
like two movies brilliantly crunched together. On the one hand it is very
clearly a comic book movie and on the other it is very obviously a Shane Black
film. The comic-books stuff would be all the exploding robot battles and the
Black stuff would be Tony Stark bickering with his mate Rhodey and occasionally
smack-talking a parentless child; “Dads leave. No need to be
such a pussy about it”. I think if I was ten years old, watching this film
would have been like getting stabbed in the brain with a syringe of excitement.
Luckily I have a mental age of about ten and so that's still exactly what this
was. However instead of being overcome by joy at the sight of human tin cans
blowing up it was actually Blacks script that made me giggle like some deranged
Arkham inmate. I genuinely loved all the action but I'd have quite happily
sacrificed it for a little more fast paced dialogue with a permanent
undercurrent of shittiness to it.
There's a scene about half way
through involving the Mandarin that couldn't be more Shane Black if it tried.
I'm about to spoil a major twist in the film so if you've not seen it yet then
I suggest you stop reading now and fuck off to the cinema to make up for lost
time. For those left reading, I am of course talking about the reveal that Ben
Kingsley is actually a decoy villain being played by some grotty actor called
Trevor from near Croydon. I mean, reservations aside, this has got to be one of
the funniest scenes in any action film ever with The Mandarin's bullshit reveal
consisting of him swaggering out of the toilet and announcing, “I'd give it
twenty minutes!”.
 |
| "Who a you calling a lacist?!" |
At the time though, I was kind of
conflicted. Although I was very definitely laughing at Trevor's sheer rattiness,
I was a bit disappointed to discover that what had so far been a genuinely cool
villain was actually a load of bollocks. Considering how big of a bad guy The
Mandarin is in the Iron Man comics,
this was a bit like having a Batman film where the Joker is
comically revealed to be a manly tart who’s just overdone it with the lip-stick.
However the more I've thought about it since, the less it's really bothered me.
I guess my overall feeling is that Trevor becomes such a funny character that
the humour he brings allows them to just about get away with it. Also by having
Aldrich Killian revealed as the real Mandarin, I suppose the movie conveniently
sidesteps the slightly racist Fu Manchu version from the original comic books.
Although I suppose had they gone with the Chinese caricature, they could have
given Mickey Rooney his most prolific acting role in about ninety years.
The only other real thing I guess
that irritated me very slightly was maybe just how many of the twists had
already been done in Nolan's Dark Knight trilogy. Rebecca Hall's character is a little bit like
Miranda Tate in that, despite lady-parts leaking all over Stark, she's actually
a bit of a baddie. Sir Ben's fake Mandarin not only dresses similarly to the
fake Ra's Al Ghul but is also a decoy for the real villain of the same name. Oh
and both Iron Man 3 and The Dark Knight Rises conclude with the use
of something known as “the clean slate”. However there is a difference as in
Iron Man 3, this device causes Stark's suits to explode whereas in the other, Batman
just uses it to jib of his job in favour of travelling the world and fucking
Catwoman.
The other thing that makes Iron Man
3 interesting is that it's the final film in which Robert Downey Jr is
contracted to play Tony Stark. Like the rest of the world, I can't imagine
anybody else doing the role as well as him but honestly this does feel like the
perfect time to recast. There's a finality to the scenes here with the
character arc that Stark set out on in movie one finally being fulfilled.
They're going to have to recast eventually, so why not now? There's a sort of
conclusion to the character with this and Downey Jr is only going to start
demanding a shit load of money to come back anyway. I'm not saying that if the
films make enough money to fund a small genocide that he shouldn't be entitled
to some of it too. But seriously how much cash does one human really need to
lead an enjoyable life? Especially one who has already given up drugs and
alcohol and probably doesn't need to pay for whores. If it requires a lot of
money to coax him back then maybe Marvel should just cut their losses and find
someone else.
 |
| "So you need a new rocket man?" |
Nobody could imagine a James
Bond without Sean Connery and yet fifty years after Dr No, the
franchise is still as strong as ever. Not only that but producers panicked
about the loss of Connery and so threw so much money at him that despite his
better judgement he returned for a few more films. Although the suave, lady-beating
Scotsman could now afford all the toupee's he'd ever need, it resulted in
several performances in which Bond just seemed kind of bored. Not only that but
our half arsed 007 received so much money that the stunts and set pieces had to
be cut down on, too. Considering that Downey Jr allegedly received over $50
million for his appearance in The Avengers alone, you've got to wonder how much
he'll want in order to return and ultimately if it's worth it. Like I say,
they're definitely going to have to recast at some point and this just seems
like the perfect timing both financially and in terms of the story. Although we
all have our differing opinions as to the future of Tony Stark, I personally
think that Marvel should play it safe and completely copy the Bond franchise
following their successful replacement of Sean Connery. For a proven guarantee
of longevity, they should simply let Robert Downy Jr go and replace him with
the presumably much cheaper Roger Moore for the next twenty-two years. As can
be seen with 007, the results of this strategy already speak for itself.
Anyway, ignoring all that in-the-future
crap, Iron Man Three is a really fun movie and more than makes up for
the slightly crappy second instalment. I'm sure some comic book purists will be
overly pissy about the cinematic depiction of one of their main villains but
for those of us who have lost our virginity, what remains is simply two hours
of joyous fun. It's nice too that I can also now add this to a list of my
favourite Christmas films along with Die Hard, In Bruges, OHMSS and
every other Shane Black film ever made. So I guess to conclude, I'll leave you
with a just-about-relevant line from Black’s debut movie Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang,
“I don't know if you want to see it now, but here's the fucking robot stuff
for your viewing pleasure. Can I say "fuck" more?” It's a tenuous
link, but sod it I'll take almost any opportunity to re-read that dialogue.
Follow this blog or I'll fucking cut you.
