The Cold War for anyone unaware, was a
prolonged state of political and military tension between the Eastern and
Western Bloc which thankfully ended in 1991. I say that because for anybody who
doesn't know, The Cold War just sounds like the on going mystical bitch fight
between the Asgardians and the Frost Giants. I know I shouldn't have to specify
the difference between a fictional battle in Thor and that time humanity
was almost nuked off the planet but you know... some people are thick.
I mention this only because Mission:
Impossible was one of the first successful spy franchises to be launched
after Mother Russia and Uncle Sam stopped their apocalyptic pissy fit. When the
Nukes where put back in the box, spy films were left a little bit confused as
to where they should now be playing. The first film in this series however got
around the problem by making the enemy one of IMF's own spies. In fact, the
second and third film also did this proving that for a gang of secret agents,
they're all seriously shit judges of character. Three fucking films we've
gotten through to get here and each one of them has revealed one of their own
to be the main baddie. If we just shut the organisation down then the world
would be a much safer place.
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| Russia called my mum a 'fat tart'?! |
Well for the first time in the franchise, Mission
Impossible: Ghost Protocol does not feature an IMF agent as the main
villain. In fact the bad guy this time around is just some random old bloke who
for whatever reason wants to destroy the world. I don't remember his motive but
to be fair thanks to my ingrained sense of misanthropy, I'm not completely
against him. However, what is
interesting, considering what we just talked about, is how his plan simply
involves attempting to kick start a war between America and Russia. So he's
really just like the kind of shit-starting slab of dick-dirt that spreads
rumours about a couple down the pub to cause an argument… having said that,
it's nice to feel nostalgic for that warm blanket of nuclear fear that I was
born into. I was only two years old when the Cold War ended but in many ways I
think the worry that my flesh could be burnt off at any second has really
influenced my outlook on life.
Anywho, so the old bloke manages to blow up
the Moscow Kremlin whilst simultaneously framing IMF. Because of this, their
new boss informs them that the agency has thankfully been closed down and that
they must work completely alone to unofficially finish the mission. So although
this time they aren't against one of their own they have been out smarted by
some mental ageing duffer with a death wish. Seriously this agency isn't just a
waste of tax payers’ money but actually a threat to the survival of the fucking
planet. Also, I say new boss because they don't half go through them. There was
Angelina Jolie's Dad, Hannibal Lector, Morpheus and now Tom Wilkinson in what I
assume is the espionage equivalent of The Defence against the Dark Arts job.
 |
| Welcome to the Crazy Face! |
But despite all that Mission: Impossible
- Ghost Protocol is still amazing. After three films, I think we know now
that this series works best at its silliest and when shoving stupidly crazy set
pieces in our face. This time around the ridiculous death defying stunt of
choice involves Tom Cruise scaling the side of the worlds tallest building like
an ageing Peter Parker suffering a midlife crisis. In 2005 director Werner
Herzog released the documentary Grizzly Man which showed video footage
of a deranged animal lover who liked to tit about on his own in the wild. Sadly
his love wasn't completely reciprocated by the cuddly bears there showed
their gratitude for his presence by promptly biting his head off and eating him
and his girlfriend. In their review of the film, Empire Magazine described it
as, “the longest suicide note ever composed”, which is in
my opinion something that could easily be applied to Cruise in the Mission:
Impossible series. My
theory is that it's the subconscious part of his mind trying to free itself
from the pain caused by all that brainwashing that's been done back on the
mothership of Scientology.
Presumably in an attempt to plan for his
inevitable death however, we finally here have a Mission: Impossible film
that focuses completely on the efforts of an IMF team. Not only that but we're
introduced to a potential future lead with the presence of Jeremy Renner who I
actually really liked. Since his career exploded with The Hurt Locker,
he's been looking for a series to headline by appearing in pretty much every
blockbuster he could get his freaky drumstick fingers on. Like a deranged chimp,
he's consistently throwing shit like The Bourne Legacy and Hansel and
Gretel: Witch Hunters at a wall in the hope that something might stick. However after collecting so many franchises like a movie pimp, I
think that the Mission: Impossibles might be the whore that finally pays out for
him. If Cruise does either die or return to his home planet then I'd really
like Renner to take over as the lead which would avoid the recasting issues
faced by the Bond Franchise. As I've said before, I do prefer the adventures
of 007 but even I have to admit that in Die Another Day, Bond was
looking bloody good for a man who must have been well into his 70's.
Whilst we're talking about new people here, it's
also worth noting the presence of director Brad Bird. Previously he'd only
worked in animation, having helmed The Iron Giant, The Incredibles and Ratatouille
and so this was his first venture into live action. For anyone who’s not
seen Ratatouille by the way, it's basically a French-set story about
some dirty, unlikeable, vermin who are taught to cook by a bunch of rats. Despite
this being his first foray into the world of the flesh however, Bird does a
great job by racking up the humour, tension, silliness and action. The film
goes on a bit longer than maybe it should have done but it's forgivable just
for the ridiculousness of the final battle. Without
giving too much away it basically involves the bad guy fighting Cruise around
around the steel bonnets of an unbelievably tall car factory. With an old man
battling a sprightly midget in this metallic setting I couldn't help but
reminded of Palpatine versus Yoda in Revenge of
the Sith. 
Having now watched the entire Mission:
Impossible franchise, I
have to say that I love that each film has a different director. Not only that
but each one of them brings a distinct style from De Palma's love of Hitchcock
to John Woo's inability to make anything less than shit in English. This always
brings a certain freshness to each new addition and will hopefully continue to
allow the series to live on in the future. Directors I'd like to one day see
have a go at one of these are Steven Soderbergh, Bryan Singer and just because
every mainstream franchise needs a backwards speaking midget, maybe David
Lynch.
Follow this blog or I'll fucking cut you.
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