From Cradle To The Grave

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Alice Lowe's comedically black horror film Prevenge begins with the line that David Attenborough has never had the balls to use; “Nature's a cunt”. Having found herself knocked up and alone, the lead character Ruth appears to have lost her fucking mind and I honestly don't think I can blame her. Her baby still has a little while until its due but already she believes that she can hear it talking to her and it mostly seems to want her to kill people. It's all just 'want, want, want' with these fucking kids, isn't it?! But can you imagine getting pregnant? It's a fucking terrifying idea. One minute you're having a fun time fumble with somebody that you hopefully fancy and the next you're preparing for a tiny human to blast their way out through your fucking genitals. Thank God I was born a male because unless that shit Arnie movie from the early nineties turns out to be a true story then it seems pretty unlikely that I'll find myself up the duff anytime soon. I honestly think that expecting mothers are braver than fucking soldiers because of what they have to go through. At least if you go to war you can convince yourself that you'll return unhurt and having taken a few of the enemies down with you. But pregnant women? There's no escaping the inevitability that a tiny person is about to rip their way out of your vagina and there's nothing you can do in retaliation but love them for it. Nature really is a cunt. 

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So there was this one time that I ‘blacked up’ one of my close chums for a short movie that we were making. It was nothing offensive though before you jump to any conclusions, as all I wanted him to do was to walk around town like a bad motherfucker. Okay- looking back, maybe this wasn't in the best of taste but I can swear that there was no hate involved and we were much younger at the time. It's hard to judge what's socially acceptable when you're only a mere twenty-one years old. Anyway, the walk to the set involved a brief journey along the main road where my friend suddenly became infected with a sort of strange, hysterical confidence. Seeing the ridiculousness of the situation, the cars driving past began to beep and wave causing him to respond accordingly by aiming his guns and pretending to shoot. Did I mention he had guns? No? Well he did! Politically, 2009 was a different time so please don't judge us by your modern standards. Anyway so we filmed the scene, hid from the police and then went home safe in the knowledge that we'd had a productive day. I asked my friend if he could sum up his experience of mingling with the public whilst in disguise in one word to which he replied “fucking weird”. Technically that was two words, but you know... who’s going to argue with a white guy that thinks he's fucking Shaft.