From Cradle To The Grave

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Alice Lowe's comedically black horror film Prevenge begins with the line that David Attenborough has never had the balls to use; “Nature's a cunt”. Having found herself knocked up and alone, the lead character Ruth appears to have lost her fucking mind and I honestly don't think I can blame her. Her baby still has a little while until its due but already she believes that she can hear it talking to her and it mostly seems to want her to kill people. It's all just 'want, want, want' with these fucking kids, isn't it?! But can you imagine getting pregnant? It's a fucking terrifying idea. One minute you're having a fun time fumble with somebody that you hopefully fancy and the next you're preparing for a tiny human to blast their way out through your fucking genitals. Thank God I was born a male because unless that shit Arnie movie from the early nineties turns out to be a true story then it seems pretty unlikely that I'll find myself up the duff anytime soon. I honestly think that expecting mothers are braver than fucking soldiers because of what they have to go through. At least if you go to war you can convince yourself that you'll return unhurt and having taken a few of the enemies down with you. But pregnant women? There's no escaping the inevitability that a tiny person is about to rip their way out of your vagina and there's nothing you can do in retaliation but love them for it. Nature really is a cunt. 

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The fact that any of us even exist is such a miracle that it's impossible to fully comprehend. Think of how hard it can be to find somebody to bonk off with and then remember that most of the time you really don't want it to result in the creation of a little baby brat. Think of how many people needed to meet and screw and then get pregnant at that exact time for you to be here right now. The exact combination of people doing an exact thing has been happening since the dawn of time and it's only because of all those coincidences that we're here right now. Amazing. Bearing all this in mind, you might therefore expect life to be a little less fucking shit than it actually is. As a whole, I am not a fan of people and really don't like the world that we live in. I do however love movies about the apocalypse which I genuinely do see as being a kind of wish-fulfilment thing. Usually in these movies, most of humanity has been wiped out which is fine by me because most people are knobheads anyway. Also, the survivors are now all on a comfortably even playing field- none of this ‘I'm richer than you’ or ‘your partner is uglier than mine’ bullshit. During the apocalypse, whether you're a success or a failure won't be dictated by the whimsical fucking chances that society may or may not present you with. It'll be judged on who’s got the pointiest stick and who’s willing to eat a dead person’s face. Meh... fucking fine by me.