The Film Is A Saddening Bore

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John Carter is the greatest film that has ever been made ever and I will die to defend it. Not really. Obviously. It's a massive piece of shit, but it was fun to write a sentence that no sane human being had ever written before. What a novelty it felt to do something so original. I only hope that the makers of this fucking God awful movie get to experience that one day themselves. What is John Carter about though? From its title we can guess that it's likely about a person called John Carter, but what else? That's hardly an exciting sounding name, is it? Maybe it's about a bank manager that gasses himself to death in his own car after walking past a mirror and seeing how fucking dull his life is? Can you think of any other movie titles that are just the main characters name but that isn't part of a pre-existing franchise? Because off the top of my head, I can only think of Jerry Maguire, Donnie Brasco and Vera Drake. Is that what John Carter is about? Is he a sports agent that goes undercover with the mob to perform illegal back-alley abortions? Because if not I've just found a really easy new way of coming up with new stories? What about Carrie, Domino, and Alfie? In which case John Carter could be about a telekinetic bounty-hunter whose womanising ways end after a trip to an.. oh.. to an illegal back-alley abortionist. Hmm. Well, I can tell you right now that John Carter does not involve the subject of abortion in the slightest. Although if I could kill it with a coat-hanger and then wash it down the drain then I absolutely would. 

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Was The Lone Ranger Really That Bad?

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The Lone Ranger opened to such a hostile reception that most reviews of it contained less stars than the average episode of Celebrity Rehab. From hearing about its dubious casting, huge budget, and overly long duration, the American critics had already undone their collective belt before seeing the final product, squatting down and taking a shit all over it. European reviewers seemed slightly kinder to the movie but the general consensus was that the film was a total fucking mess. Like being told about that picture of 'Tub Girl' however, curiosity got the better of me and I decided to see the thing for myself. Could it really be as bad as its reputation suggested? People seemed so happy to stick the knife in that you'd assume it was the cinematic equivalent of a Piers Morgan Voodoo doll. How can a fun looking film like this be on the receiving end of such hate? Was it funded by the gold that the Nazi's had stolen from Jewish teeth and I'd just not heard? If the film was played backwards would it contain a satanic message that had the power to resurrect whichever one of the Corey's has died? I needed to see and find out for myself.