Coming Out In The Cold

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Doesn't everyone just love it when it snows? Sure a few pensioners'll freeze to death... Junkies, hoboes and whores too I imagine! But at least we get to make some snowmen! I live in England where it doesn't really snow that often, the weather instead subjecting us to fifty-two weeks of over-cast bullshit a year. Even on the rare occasion that the Cloud God does choose to jizz forth his frosty joy and present us with some snow, it never lasts. Within an hour of having fun, the snow has all turned to sludge and the cars are all skidding about and killing people like a nationwide remake of Death Race but on ice. You know that joyful past time of the snowball fight? Well, if it snowed when we were in school then we'd have one of those in the playground. Harmless enough you might think except that most people tried to ensure that their chilly projectile was at its largest by filling it with rocks, broken glass and dog shit. All it took was a few flakes to hit the ground and we'd be left with an entire generation that'd be blind forever. I have no actual knowledge that could prove my upcoming statement... but if you find me somebody who has lost their sight, then I bet you that you've also brought me somebody who’s been hit in the eyes by a frozen turd.

Speaking of Frozen I recently re-watched that film having originally seen it at the cinema and dismissed it as simply being just pretty damn good. Despite having liked it though, I seemed to have completely underestimated it as the rest of the world decided to turn it into a fucking phenomenon. Like I say, I did enjoy the film but not as much as everybody else seemed to. If you were to stick Vanilla Ice, Ice T, Ice Cube and  Richard “The Iceman” Kuklinski into a blender before mixing their remains with some Crystal Meth that you intended to give to children for free, then I still don't think you'd become as famous as this film has. Although to be fair, you would probably be more famous than Vanilla Ice. Frozen tells the story of two sisters who both happen to have bizarre and freaky mutations. One of them can control ice and the other has ginger hair. They're both also Princesses but seems as this is a Disney film, I'm guessing you probably already knew that. Is it just me or would it be nice if for once these kids films focused instead on the lowly peasants of this world? It'd be less about some pampered bitch attempting to find her true love and more about some frumpy, old, fish wife trying not to die of the plague whilst deciding which window to throw her next bucket of shit out of. I'm not saying it'd be a nice film but just that it'd make a change.

Anyway, so as I was saying, one sister can make ice shoot out of her hands as though X-Men's Bobby Drake has grown himself a nice pair of tits and popped on a frock. The world finds out about it causing her to leg it into the mountains where her fear of public shame causes her to make a lovely ice palace for herself and an eternal winter for everybody else. In terms of the logic of the story, I'm not too sure why her minions disown her once she's outed as having powers because she seems nice enough and hasn't previously wronged them. Christ, it's just nice to see a member of a Royal Family do something more magical than simply accept the public’s money and then mysteriously make it disappear. However, in terms of the story’s subtext, I suppose her being shunned makes sense as clearly this film is about a lesbian.

Firstly, Elsa the gay Ice Queen has a personal secret that she knows she must keep to herself to avoid any undeserved discrimination or abuse. Secondly, she doesn't actually show any interest in any men. Obviously this isn't normally proof of somebody’s preference for the meaty curtains but since when did a Disney Princess not spend all of her time looking for Prince Charming? Elsa's reserved nature towards the opposite sex seems to also be in very stark contrast to her sister who goes gushy in the love organs within seconds of finding some chiselled bloke to bounce on. It's as though the film is trying to draw attention to the difference between them by having them as the extreme opposites! Anyway, on top of that, the first half of the film also involves Elsa having locked herself in a room in which her younger sister keeps insisting that she should “Come Out”! As subtlety goes, it's as though Disney has simply decided to remake that Tom Cruise episode of South Park. With all this in mind, the main song of the film must also surely take on a secondary meaning! In this context “Let It Go” isn't about Elsa accepting her powers but is rather about the relief of having being outed so that she can finally be her true self. To a homophobe, this must be the musical equivalent of a clichéd gay man buying his first bottle of amyl nitrate, popping up a butt-plug and moving to Brighton.

Speaking of the song- it too is obviously pretty good, having gone fairly stratospheric since the film’s release. As well as the empowering lyrics about a woman accepting herself as a lesbian, it is also brilliantly performed by Idina Menzel... or as John Travolta pronounces it, Adele Dazeem. What a fucking idiot! I suppose that song is key to the film’s success in that, it's nice for females to finally have a film for them in which the sole motivation of the lead character isn't simply to find a royal man with a nice set of crown jewels... and a big cock and balls. Cinema tends to favour young boys with brain damage which is, I'm pretty sure, the main demographic of Michael Bay's films and the reason for their success. Occasionally there'll be a Juno or something that bumps the supporting gender up into the lead role but that really is a rarity. If a female is a main character, then nine times out of ten it's a rom-com and even more often than that it'll turn out to be shit. Not only is this a Disney film in which the two sisters aren't obsessed with finding their soulmate but it seems to actually be actively against this idea. I suppose after eighty years of brainwashing girls into thinking that they need a man to take care of them, the Mouse House has decided to move with the times and preach something a little less sexist. Elsa doesn't want a guy because she's a lesbian and although her sister is gagging for it, the film teaches her that attempting to grab the first handful of cock that she can might not be the best idea.

Having said that, maybe I'm wrong about why Frozen has become as popular as it has. I'd like to think it's because the world appreciates Disney's attempt at a gay princess, a film that features two strong female characters and a story that doesn't put romance on a pedestal, however there's a good chance that people really just like the funny snowman and the slightly mongy looking reindeer. Although that might be slightly less profound, there is no denying how fun the supporting characters are, I suppose. People like the Snowman because he keeps banging on about wanting to be in the sun as though he doesn't know what will happen to him when he gets there. However, at no point does he actually contradict the fact that he might ultimately melt. In fact, there's a scene later on when he's standing next to a fire and he starts melting and seems to know exactly what's happening to himself. I don't like him because he's naïve and cheerful as everybody else seems to presume he is. I like him because he's clearly a manic depressive with a shockingly driven desire for suicide. That frosty bastard knows exactly what will happen to him if he stands in some heat and he can't fucking wait for it. The reindeer too has a strange relationship with his owner Kristoff. The two pretty much live alone together with Kristoff staging conversations in which he asks questions and then vocalises the answers that he presumes his pet would give. So basically he's the closest that Disney will ever get to having a Norman Bates character. Give it a couple of sequels to this film and there's no way that Kristoff won't have started stabbing people in the shower whilst parading around in the rotten skin of the now-dead reindeer.

I don't think that Frozen is the best Disney film of all time with that honour probably belonging to either Aladdin or Pulp Fiction, however I stand by my original assessment of it being pretty damn good and having now seen it for a second time, I suppose it makes sense that it would become so popular. Animated films are like cocaine for kids these days and so one that promotes individuality, independence and equality is probably also going to connect to a few people too. Beauty And The Beast is about Stockholm Syndrome, The Little Mermaid is about bestiality and Sleeping Beauty is like that scene in Kill Bill that features Buck who loves to fuck. Frozen is simply a nice story about over-coming loneliness and discrimination to eventually find happiness by being yourself. Whether you like to shoot ice out of your hands or simply touch somebody whose genitals match your own, I'd hope we can all appreciate the message of this film. Thanks for reading and see you next time motherfuckers!

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