A Film Without A Craftsman

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It is April 2017 and an X-Men spin-off that focuses on a cast of new characters coming to terms with their new powers in a creepy asylum enters pre-production. It is called The New Mutants. I am miles away in England and am unaware that this is taking place. I am probably masturbating. It is September 2020 and I am walking towards the cinema having finally booked my ticket to see The New Mutants. The reviews I'd read the day earlier prepared me for the worst. I continued masturbating. It is September 2017 and principal photography has concluded on the film. Director Josh Boone claimed to feel “a bit neutered” during the process having been prevented from making the horror movie that he'd intended. As I sit down to watch his film tonight I notice a man sat a few seats along from me. He smells like a toilet. As the New Mutants title card appears on the screen, this man's smell will not be the last thing that reminds me of shit tonight. “I wish this man had been “neutered” like the film was” I think to myself, “he seems to be looking at me like I'm a discount sex doll and, despite my lack of luck with the ladies, am still yet to turn - as I call it... prison gay”. It is January 2018 and the film's release is delayed until February 2019 in order to allow time for reshoots that are intended to make the film feel more frightening. As the film begins to play in front of me I do feel fear, although not because of what I can see on screen but because the man that smells of shit has decided to slowly move seats to get closer to me. I regret leaving the house tonight.

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A Boiled Toad Of A Movie

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The X-Men series used to work as a metaphor for those that felt as though they were considered a minority within our society. Black people could relate to the idea of being unjustly treated as a second class citizen and gay people could relate to the idea that if they didn't want to wear spandex then leather was considered their only other option. As the series has progressed though, it seems that there's now an even smaller minority of people that might be drawn to it and that's the four people left on planet Earth that actually still give a shit about these films. I know that coming out to your family must be a difficult thing but after I told my Mum that I didn't hate X-Men: Apocalypse, it wouldn't have been unfair for her to ask, “Have you tried not being a stupid twat?” But out and proud I am when it comes to my love of the X-Men movies. Sure there might have been a few bad ones like Apocalypse, Last Stand, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, and The New Mutants. But let's not forget that this is the franchise that really started the comic book movie boom in 2000 and even more recently, the Deadpool series and Logan have been fucking great. Oh and in case you've not heard of The New Mutants then it's an X-Men film from a few years back that's so terrible that the studio still hasn't released it. If movies were children then The New Mutants is the one that you keep locked up in the attic and feed on a diet of fucking fish heads.