18 August 2014

Welcome To The Jungle

As I write this right now, we're at that time of year in Britain when the sun decides to briefly pop out. It's not fun though. I hate it! We only get about four days of summer a year and by day two I'm massively pissed off by it. I can deal with the cold by just putting on more layers but when it's hot, we're fucked! What am I meant to do to cool down? Ideally I'd be walking around with my balls out, ice-packs strapped to my head and my cock windmilling around as I attempt to create any form of breeze. What did you do on your one week of summer? Did you take the kids to the zoo? Or maybe lie out in your garden and read the latest piece of shit book that all the thick people have been raving about? Well fuck that because I had better plans. I stayed in doors, I closed the curtains and I forced my hungover friend to watch Rambo with me as he lay half dead on the sofa. Bring on the fucking rain, I say. Bring on the fucking misery.

Speaking of fucking misery, I suppose I should describe the plot of Rambo for those who haven't seen it. Or as I call them... 'the lucky ones'. I'd never seen any of this franchise before but putting a DVD on meant having to get up and so with the help of Netflix, my semi-conscious chum and I decided to watch something that we'd never normally want to. So Rambo begins with what looks like genuine footage of the trouble in Burma. It shows what looks like real bodies rotting in the mud and actual people having been strung up and left to hang. Then we cut to Rambo pissing about with a snake, meeting some Christians who want to go to Burma, going to Burma, finding some bad guys and then fucking killing everyone. That's pretty much the entire film in a nut shell really. Some really misjudged archive footage of real life atrocities followed by a film so fucking stupid and immoral that its creator is either a total fucking moron or in fact devoid of any real human decency. I guess I could be wrong about the opening shit being archive footage and perhaps Stallone has simply recreated it. To be honest I really hope for the sake of his soul that that's exactly what he did. However, even if that was the case, he's still turned a real life horror into a film that glorifies himself so even if that was faked, that would only slightly lower his position on the What-The-Fuck-O-Meter.

In many ways I've had my opinion of Stallone fluctuate over the last few months. For years I thought he was a terrible actor and an idiot. Surely that's the only thing that could explain shit as shite as Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot, Judge Dredd and worst of all Get Carter. Not to sound overly dramatic but I think that remaking Michael Caine's 1971 masterpiece should be considered either treason or at the very least an act of war and to which we should have responded accordingly. However, if he is both a stupid man and a shit actor than with the exception of Get Carter perhaps we should at least respect the guy for carving himself a successful career in the face of his obvious handicaps. I know people seem to like the Rocky franchise but I tried to get through them once with the experience being as painful as having hot needles stuck though my brain and yet, still boring. I could only get as far as Rocky 4 before my spirit broke and I was unable to go any further. Even now if I see any form of montage, I get an involuntary shudder as though lurking deep within my subconscious is a tumour festering away, containing the memories of that tediously dull franchise. At the very least, I suppose the films allowed me to empathise with the life of a boxer as each installment was like being punched in the head by the fucking Hulk. If you can get through all six Rocky movies and not end up as a dribbling mess, unable to perform even the most basic of cognitive functions then you're a stronger person than me.

Having said all that, my view was completely changed towards the Italian Stallion when I saw his performance in James Mangold's really quite decent Cop Land. In it, the mumbling thesp is acting alongside such greats as De Niro, Harvey Keitel and Ray Liota and fuck me stupid- he's actually the best thing in it. I mean that sincerely too and not as a shitty dig against the others. The film's cast is like a green room for a Martin Scorsese masterpiece and yet somehow Stallone manages to steal the film. I honestly mean it when I say that he is brilliant in it. I was so impressed that I began watching interviews with him on various chat shows and to my surprise, he seemed like a really nice guy. He came across as funny, self-deprecating and shockingly of all, actually intelligent. Having seen his movies I wasn't sure if he was even fully sentient and so this was all very surprising. It also sadly makes Rambo even fucking worse than it initially might seem. No longer is this just a scummy piece of filth made by a lucky moron whose fluked his way into a Hollywood career. This was a film written, directed and staring a man who knew exactly what he was doing which is seriously so much worse. If Stallone just didn't realise how offensive this shit was then perhaps we could forgive him in the way that we do a child's drawings. Yes, they say it's a cat but all we see is a mixture of crayon scribbles and snot but bless them they don't know any better. Well, Cop Land is proof that this is not the case and Stallone should be fucking ashamed.

Like I said before, Rambo is set in Burma and uses their real life conflict as a set up for the plot, however rather than dealing with the subject sensitively, like perhaps a human might, Stallone instead uses the suffering as a backdrop to boost his own reputation. Whenever we see genuinely realistic depictions of the real life horrors, it's not to bring attention to it but rather to provide Rambo with some motivation to act. Imagine a cross between Indiana Jones and Schindler's List and that should help explain quite how insensitive this film is. Stallone's depiction of the villains in the real life conflict too is pretty much bordering on the racist. They don't have any motivation beyond their own evil and when they're not killing, torturing or raping innocent people, they're snarling and screaming like a pack of wild psycho-cunts. I think the logic is meant to be that the more evil they seem, the more we want them to die and so the more we like Rambo when he does kill them. But the truth is that they're so evil that there's just nothing to them- Rambo murders people so graphically that he has to be schizophrenic and Stallone just comes across as a prick who'll exploit any situation for more fame and more money.

Speaking of the gore, perhaps this films one redeeming feature could be it's action? I mean, regardless of whether or not I agree with its morals, there's surely no denying some decent choreography when you see it! Well sadly, I didn't see it as the action here is as a shit as anything else contained within its ninety-ish minute running time. For a start, the first half of the film doesn't really have anything action-y at all, instead focusing on attempting to make Rambo seem thoughtful and battle-hardened. Sadly however, Stallone does his usual trick of expressing all the charisma of a rotten turd and so unintentionally paints the aging Vietnam veteran as a lobotomised and slack jawed dullard. When the action does kick in for the films conclusion however, it's barely action at all... it's just gore with Rambo slaughtering everybody with both a machine gun and what I can only assume is a nuclear bomb. Generally when I think of action, I think of something at least resembling some form of kineticism but all we get here is Stallone standing on the spot as everybody around him is torn to pieces. I don't know what's worse... that he thought this would pass as entertainment or that he probably had an erection whilst filming it. In fact, I tell a lie! There's one scene in which he actually does move but by hurriedly running about the enemy compound in what I assume is meant to be a demonstration of his stealth abilities. However due to his bulk, Stallone seems to have developed what I'm going to call a 'chubby waddle'. It's hard to seem cool when your run is reminiscent of a desperate fat man's attempt to find the toilet before he gives in to his body's desire to explode from the anus. Shit action and Rambo runs like a twat. I swear to God, this film fails on every conceivable level.

Anyway, so in case you couldn't tell, I fucking hated this movie. This could have been Stallone's Unforgiven in which an aging warrior is forced back to the life of being a killer but it's not. By instead pandering to this presumably thick fan base he has instead made a film so crass and offensive that it's less Unforgiven and more unforgivable. I know you should always go into a film with an open mind and so please don't let me stop you pissing away an hour and a half of your life if you thought it looked good. Oh, and if you have both seen and liked it then please explain to me what the fuck you found to enjoy. I'll definitely be judging you as the twat that you probably are but I'm curious. With the clunky glorification of his mad jungle hero, this is less of an action film and more like watching Stallone toss off to his own reflection. I only watched Rambo because the sun was out and my friend was hung-over. Next time though, I think I might actually venture out of the house and into the real world instead... It was that bad! Anyway, that's me done for the day. Thanks for reading, motherfuckers, and I guess I'll see you next time. Bye!


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