Speaking
of fucking misery, I suppose I should describe the plot of Rambo
for those who haven't seen it.
Or as I call them... 'the lucky ones'. I'd never seen any of this
franchise before but putting a DVD on meant having to get up and so
with the help of Netflix, my semi-conscious chum and I decided to
watch something that we'd never normally want to. So Rambo
begins with what looks like
genuine footage of the trouble in Burma. It shows what looks like
real bodies rotting in the mud and actual people having been strung
up and left to hang. Then we cut to Rambo pissing about with a snake,
meeting some Christians who want to go to Burma, going to Burma,
finding some bad guys and then fucking killing everyone. That's
pretty much the entire film in a nut shell really. Some really
misjudged archive footage of real life atrocities followed by a film
so fucking stupid and immoral that its creator is either a total
fucking moron or in fact devoid of any real human decency. I guess I
could be wrong about the opening shit being archive footage and
perhaps Stallone has simply recreated it. To be honest I really hope
for the sake of his soul that that's exactly what he did. However,
even if that was the case, he's still turned a real life horror into a
film that glorifies himself so even if that was faked, that would only
slightly lower his position on the What-The-Fuck-O-Meter.
In
many ways I've had my opinion of Stallone fluctuate over the last few
months. For years I thought he was a terrible actor and an idiot.
Surely that's the only thing that could explain shit as shite as Stop
Or My Mom Will Shoot, Judge Dredd and
worst of all Get Carter. Not
to sound overly dramatic but I think that remaking Michael Caine's
1971 masterpiece should be considered either treason or at the very
least an act of war and to which we should have responded
accordingly. However, if he is both a stupid man and a shit actor than
with the exception of Get Carter perhaps
we should at least respect the guy for carving himself a successful
career in the face of his obvious handicaps. I know people seem to
like the Rocky franchise but
I tried to get through them once with the experience being as painful
as having hot needles stuck though my brain and yet, still boring. I
could only get as far as Rocky 4
before my spirit broke and I was unable to go any further. Even now
if I see any form of montage, I get an involuntary shudder as though
lurking deep within my subconscious is a tumour festering away, containing the memories of that tediously dull franchise.
At the very least, I suppose the films allowed me to empathise
with the life of a boxer as each installment was like being punched in
the head by the fucking Hulk. If
you can get through all six Rocky movies
and not end up as a dribbling mess, unable to perform even the most
basic of cognitive functions then you're a stronger person than me.
Having
said all that, my view was completely changed towards the Italian
Stallion when I saw his performance in James Mangold's really quite
decent Cop Land. In it,
the mumbling thesp is acting alongside such greats as De Niro, Harvey
Keitel and Ray Liota and fuck me stupid- he's actually the best thing
in it. I mean that sincerely too and not as a shitty dig against the
others. The film's cast is like a green room for a Martin Scorsese
masterpiece and yet somehow Stallone manages to steal the film. I
honestly mean it when I say that he is brilliant in it. I was so
impressed that I began watching interviews with him on various chat
shows and to my surprise, he seemed like a really nice guy. He came
across as funny, self-deprecating and shockingly of all, actually
intelligent. Having seen his movies I wasn't sure if he was even
fully sentient and so this was all very surprising. It also sadly
makes Rambo even
fucking worse than it initially might seem. No longer is this just a
scummy piece of filth made by a lucky moron whose fluked his way into
a Hollywood career. This was a film written, directed and staring a
man who knew exactly what he was doing which is seriously so much
worse. If Stallone just didn't realise how offensive this shit was
then perhaps we could forgive him in the way that we do a child's
drawings. Yes, they say it's a cat but all we see is a mixture of
crayon scribbles and snot but bless them they don't know any better.
Well, Cop Land is proof
that this is not the case and Stallone should be fucking ashamed.
Like I
said before, Rambo is
set in Burma and uses their real life conflict as a set up for the
plot, however rather than dealing with the subject sensitively, like
perhaps a human might, Stallone instead uses the suffering as a backdrop to boost his own reputation. Whenever we see genuinely realistic
depictions of the real life horrors, it's not to bring attention to it
but rather to provide Rambo with some motivation to act. Imagine a
cross between Indiana Jones and
Schindler's List and
that should help explain quite how insensitive this film is.
Stallone's depiction of the villains in the real life conflict too is
pretty much bordering on the racist. They don't have any motivation
beyond their own evil and when they're not killing, torturing or
raping innocent people, they're snarling and screaming like a pack of
wild psycho-cunts. I think the logic is meant to be that the more evil
they seem, the more we want them to die and so the more we like Rambo
when he does kill them. But the truth is that they're so evil that
there's just nothing to them- Rambo murders people so graphically
that he has to be schizophrenic and Stallone just comes across as a
prick who'll exploit any situation for more fame and more money.
Speaking of the
gore, perhaps this films one redeeming feature could be it's action? I
mean, regardless of whether or not I agree with its morals, there's
surely no denying some decent choreography when you see it! Well
sadly, I didn't see it as the action here is as a shit as anything
else contained within its ninety-ish minute running time. For a
start, the first half of the film doesn't really have anything
action-y at all, instead focusing on attempting to make Rambo seem
thoughtful and battle-hardened. Sadly however, Stallone does his usual
trick of expressing all the charisma of a rotten turd and so
unintentionally paints the aging Vietnam veteran as a lobotomised and
slack jawed dullard. When the action does kick in for the films
conclusion however, it's barely action at all... it's just gore with
Rambo slaughtering everybody with both a machine gun and what I can
only assume is a nuclear bomb. Generally when I think of action, I
think of something at least resembling some form of kineticism but
all we get here is Stallone standing on the spot as everybody around
him is torn to pieces. I don't know what's worse... that he thought
this would pass as entertainment or that he probably had an erection
whilst filming it. In fact, I tell a lie! There's one scene in which
he actually does move but by hurriedly running about the enemy compound in what
I assume is meant to be a demonstration of his stealth abilities.
However due to his bulk, Stallone seems to have developed what I'm
going to call a 'chubby waddle'. It's hard to seem cool when your run
is reminiscent of a desperate fat man's attempt to find the toilet
before he gives in to his body's desire to explode from the anus.
Shit action and Rambo runs like a twat. I swear to God, this film
fails on every conceivable level.
Anyway, so in case
you couldn't tell, I fucking hated this movie. This could have been
Stallone's Unforgiven in which an aging warrior is forced
back to the life of being a killer but it's not. By instead pandering
to this presumably thick fan base he has instead made a film so crass
and offensive that it's less Unforgiven and more unforgivable.
I know you should always go into a film with an open mind and so
please don't let me stop you pissing away an hour and a half of your
life if you thought it looked good. Oh, and if you have
both seen and liked it then please explain to me what the fuck you
found to enjoy. I'll definitely be judging you as the twat that you
probably are but I'm curious. With the clunky glorification of his
mad jungle hero, this is less of an action film and more like watching
Stallone toss off to his own reflection. I only watched Rambo
because the sun was out and my friend was hung-over. Next time though,
I think I might actually venture out of the house and into the real
world instead... It was that bad! Anyway, that's me done for the day.
Thanks for reading, motherfuckers, and I guess I'll see you next time.
Bye!
You can also visit the blog picture artist at _Moriendus_
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