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I
went on a little camping holiday this weekend to a grotty field in the
rain because that's what British people do. As we cowered under our
makeshift shelter like chimps in a nest, we decided to pass the time by
reading trashy women's mags and getting progressively bladdered. If we learned anything from this experience though, it's that like Disney and fairytales
have been trying to tell us, true love really does conquer all. Except,
if the trashy mags are to be believed, this isn't because people have
found their soul mate but rather that they're simply fucking stupid.
Story after story we read about moronic women going back to their
abusive partners like a flock of fleshy idiot-magnets. In one case, a
bloke had tried to strangle his wife before stabbing her in the neck
with his car keys and even then she went back to him. Like lemmings
slinging themselves off the cliff of love, it seemed that once people
got an idea into their head, even the strongest of alcoholic
partners couldn't beat it out of them. Now I'd like you to re-read this
paragraph whilst using my bitter tone and try to work out exactly just
how long I've been single for.