Quantitative Easing, how aeroplanes
actually fly, and Mickey Rourke's face are just a few examples of things that I
don't understand. Another example might be the message of The Lego Movie which
to me seemed about as conflicted as a by-the-book Bishop with both a cum
stained collection of jazz mags and the words “cunt off” etched into his
forehead. In case you've not seen the film yet it centres around the journey of
a run-of-the-mill everyman named Emmet whose friendliness and positive attitude
more than make up for the fact that he's also a massive thick fuck. Through a
series of unfortunate events however, our cheerful average Joe becomes
embroiled in a conflict between the films uber-villain known as Lord Business
and some free-thinking hippy radicals. Where they want to simply sing and dance
and revel in their anarchic creativity, he just wants them to be glued into
place and to shut the fuck up. Oh, and because everybody believes Emmet to be
'The One' prophesied to bring down this villainous capitalist bastard, Lord
Business has released Liam Neeson's schizophrenic Policeman to track them down
and twat them into oblivion. So basically this film is sort of what a person
might see if they choked on some Lego and then spent a few seconds hallucinating
their way into the afterlife.
I suppose before we get into the nitty
gritty of things I should say that, above all else, The Lego Movie is
more than enjoyable. As somebody who'd have to think twice before swerving to
avoid driving over a lost child during a busy school run, I'm glad that we're
tricking them into seeing the world for the massive, evil bollock that it
really is. Personally I can't think of a better way to introduce kids to the
horrors of both fascism and the oppressive nature of big business than through
the movie adaptation of some interlocking plastic bricks. Which is lucky
because this film is littered with genuinely enjoyable satirical jabs at pretty
much everything from logo'd coffee shops to the brain-dead fuckwits who pay for
those drinks that, let’s face it, taste as though they've been blasted across a
dirty wall from the arse-end of a scabby goat. The film also seems to poke fun
at society’s obliviousness to the world around them, as Emmet casually
dismisses death threats from his leader when distracted by a shitty
catch-phrase based comedy show. If you've ever laughed at a fat Italian
American man mumbling the phrase “how you doin'?” then this film basically
thinks you’re a fucknugget... because you are!
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| Gotta love a good cum face... |
In many ways you really have to admire the
Lego company who have shown such expertise in attracting kids to their product
that in an alternate world, they could have made one hell of a pedophile. In
the past, children have existed in a grim black and white land of boredom where
their only toys were broken sticks, dead animals and unexploded German bombs.
To that generation, being introduced to the concept of a plastic brick must
have seemed like a golden shower of creative joy... but not anymore. Nowdays
our youngsters are frightened of reality preferring instead to face-plant some
sort of technological device and absorb its flashing lights with the crazed
desperation of an electronic crack-whore. It's to Lego’s huge credit then that
it's kept up with this by taking the basic concept of their design and applying
it to video games which, fuck me stupid, actually also turned out to be pretty
damn good. Lego Star Wars, Lego Indiana Jones and Lego Harry Potter
are all surprisingly good fun. I mean, if you've played one of them then you've
played them all, but movie tie-in games are generally shitter than shit and for
Lego to do as well as they are with them is quite an achievement. Sure, the
idea of a Lego film might on paper sound like a load of old wank
in the same way that a porno based on a bashing game of Marbles also might.
However in reality it seems like the company knows exactly what they're doing
with this movie only being further proof of that.
However this is where my confusion
regarding the film’s overall message kind of comes in. I think things are going
to get a little spoilerific about now so if you've not seen the film you might
want to toddle off for a little bit. Or not... up to you but don't complain
when I ruin the ending in a second. So basically, Fox the corporation accused
this film of being anti-capitalist which, to be fair, for the most part it does
seem to be. It's not a subtle film and so if the villains name is Lord Business
and he acts like a total cock-end then that might be a clue as to the movie’s
overall theme. However despite having what Fox thought was an anti-capitalist
agenda, the other thing that it very obviously is is an advert for Lego which
is itself a big fucking business. So on the one hand the film is saying that
people who can be manipulated into buying things for the shear balls of it are
unthinking mongtards but then on the other it's saying STOP THINKING AND BUY
OUR SHIT!!! At the same time as being shown how evil Lord Business is, we're
also shown every possible Lego product you could possibly imagine in a musical
montage that repeatedly sings the lyrics, “Everything is Awesome”. What a sly
bastard this film is!
And then to confuse things even more, the
concluding twenty minutes reveal an extra layer to the movie that kind of comes
out of nowhere and possibly changes the message? Basically the entire world
that our story is taking place in seems to be located in the basement of some
real life boy’s house with the kid facing a parallel crisis with his father.
The child wants to be creative and fuck shit up whereas his Dad wants
everything segregated to their various themes and glued into place. So I guess
that means that all the anti-capitalist stuff isn't actually an anti-capitalist
message but simply just metaphorical of how some kid views his uptight and
workaholic Dad? Considering the film ends with the father and son bonding at
the same time that Lord Business realises the error of his ways and undoes all
his evil work, I'd guess it has to be. Because if this film really was trying
to make any sort of political comment then there's no way it could end with a
corporation changing its ways and basically ruining its own business. If the
end of this film was to be applied to the real world it would be along the
lines of Donald Trump giving up his money before ending his life as a massive
evil cunt. Although I don't think that's going to happen any time soon, do you?
I suppose therefore that the politics of
this film aren't necessarily the politics of the filmmakers but instead the
ill-informed brain rambles of a young boy with daddy issues. Which I guess
means that the film isn't quite the hypocrite that it might initially seem. But
surely we can still slag it off for trying to subconsciously manipulate the
viewers into buying its shit can't we? Well I guess you could but then what the
fuck did you expect? The film spends its first half openly admitting how evil
large businesses can be and so if you weren't expecting a Lego film to promote its
own products then more fool you for being such a fucking stupid knobhead. On
the bright side though, and yes I'm aware this is still to help it sell
stuff... but on the bright side, the other thing the film seems keen to
celebrate is the power of the imagination. One second we're seeing a dance
routine around a construction site and in the next, Batman and a deformed
Pirate are chilling out on a bunk-sofa in the middle of a Lego sea.
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| His hair is still less stupid than Donald Trump's |
To kind of conclude, I guess an obvious
comparison to this film might be The Transformers franchise which is also based
on a toy and is also obviously also an advert for them. However if the message
of The Lego Movie is that ‘imagination is good, oh, and buy our shit’,
then it beats The Transormers franchise
hands down. Don't get me wrong, as Michael Bay's cinematic cancer
does agree with the bit about buying their shit but prefers to replace the
celebration of the imagination with racist robots and images of women that add
nothing to the film but wanking material. Fox business might not like this film
but I did and so I reckon you should check it out too... although hopefully
you've already seen the thing considering I warned you earlier to stop reading
before I gave away the entire end. In which case, just... I don't know... stop reading now and let’s all just get on
with our lives. Bye-bye!
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