In Mission: Impossible 3, Ethan Hunt
is no longer a field agent having instead decided to become an IMF trainer. I
often wonder what actors draw from for a role but when Tom Cruise plays a man
who trains people in the secrets of a slightly sinister and shadowy
organisation, I think I can pretty much guess. However he's roped back in to
going out on missions when his most prized student is captured by Philip
Seymour Hoffman, which just goes to show how good a teacher he must have been
if the person who’s learnt the most from him can be captured by Truman Capote.
I assume whilst this is going on, his worst student is getting stabbed to death
by Julie Andrews with a butterfly knife.
Sadly, his protégées rescue doesn't quite
go to plan as the villains have stuck an exploding-bomb thing in her head and
Hunt incompetently forgot to check for it. This exploding-bomb thing basically
causes her to get a sharp pain in her brain resulting in excruciating agony
followed by death and an embarrassingly gozzy eye. If you can't imagine it from
that description, then the whole process plays out very much like my actions
after a few days without jizzing
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| It's not just the whispers that are careless. |
The rest of the film then involves Hunt
running around after a presumably dangerous device known as the Rabbit’s Foot.
As a sort of in-joke however, we're never told what this thing actually is.
Instead the filmmakers make no attempt to hide the fact that it's a MacGuffin
and so exists solely to move the plot along. I should explain for anybody
unaware of the term that famously, other examples of a MacGuffin might be the
briefcase in Pulp Fiction, the stolen money in Psycho and a
kebab/cock combo in the life of George Michael.
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| No Touching! |
However they instead decide to try a
different technique of disguising Hunt with a Philip Seymour Hoffman mask.
Personally I think this is probably my favourite scene in the film just because
of how it starts off ridiculous and then somehow ends up being shockingly
amazing. Basically the camera stays on Cruise as he puts on an obviously crappy
Leatherface style mask and then smoothes out the corners to somehow become the
villain. It's kind of like visiting a magician when one second he's doing
shitty card tricks and the next you're so impressed by something they've done
that you have to stab them in the heart and burn them at the stake for
witchcraft. This then leads to a really cool scene in which Hunt-in-the-mask
fights the real man he's pretending to be. So basically what you're left with
is a chubby smack-down between two Philip Seymour Hoffmans. Considering an
actor fighting himself has happened in such quality films as Double Impact and
The 6th Day it's good to see that the star of The Master is as
good an actor as the Muscles from Brussels and the Austrian Pervert.
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| I'm pretty sure that's Jeffrey Jones in suave-paedo mode. |
Speaking of The Master, anybody who
knows anything about it will be aware that it's a story involving a creepy
brainwashing cult that definitely isn't scientology. In that film, Hoffman
plays a confident but deluded control freak who coincidentally shares several
qualities with L. Ron Hubbard or as he's known, The Captain of the Bullshit
Enterprise. It's therefore quite fun to watch a scene later on where Hoffman
kicks the living crap out of Hunt. Having seen The Master and knowing
about Cruises's love for that weird alien fan club, it's quite fun to pretend
that we're watching him being punished by his loving leader for breaking one of
their commandments. I don't know if Scientology has any commandments but if
they do then I'd have to guess they include, “Thou shall give us all of your
money”, followed by “Thou shall not see us for what we are”.
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| Kidnapping is like a blind-date, only with more surprises... |
Aside from Hoffman however another
significant addition to the franchise is that of Michelle Monaghan who, as
always, is brilliant. I mean she's basically playing the same sassy character
that she does in every film she's in but I've decided that I love her so fuck
you! In fact, my appreciation for her goes further than simply being a fan and
quite deeply into a creepy kind of belief that we should be spending our lives
together. Some people sadly never find their soul mate whereas I have to accept
that if I did ever meet mine she would definitely issue a restraining order
against me and to be fair, I wouldn't blame her.
Although she plays a minor role in this
film, her involvement actually alters the second half of the action. The Mission:
Impossible Series had
been criticised in the past for focusing on Cruises character rather than that
of a team as the original television series had done. In the first half of this
film however, we're finally treated to IMF working together in a group. That is
until Hoffman crosses a huge line by kidnapping Monaghan who happens to be
Hunts wife. After that act of shear unforgivable cuntishness, things settle
back down into more of a Cruise centred film. I didn't watch the original
series so as far as I'm concerned, these films can play it how they like. As
long as someone is there to prevent any harm to the woman I'll one day stalk
then I don't mind what they do.
So it's probably obvious by now that I
think Mission: Impossible 3 is really great fun. Considering the last
film dribbled out from the arsehole of boredom, this was the adrenaline shot to
the balls that this series really needed. Of course, the man who can be
credited for this sudden rise in quality is J.J. Abrams who seems to be making
a career out of resurrecting the bloated, grey corpses of previously murdered
franchises. Thankfully, he realised that these films are all about a constant
barrage of set pieces and silliness and so quickly delivered like a postman on
crack. I'm not sure what film he's working on right now but I suspect it'll be
quite small after burdening himself with something as big as Star Trek Into
Darkness. Whatever low budget film he's presumably mulling over, I wish him
all the best of luck and may the force be with him, always!
Follow this blog or I'll fucking cut you.
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