Quickly I'm coming to the realisation that
males and females just don't belong to the same species. It's not that I don't
like girls because I really do, it's
more that their thought process is a complete and utter mystery to me. Trying
to work out what a girl wants is as difficult as trying to read Tolstoy's War
and Peace if it was written in Klingon by a dyslexic nutter with shit for
ink. In fact I'd still be oblivious as to whether a girl liked me even if she
whipped out her tits and lunged pussy-first towards my cock. I think with guys
you know where you stand because for the most part we're fairly simple beings.
I mean if a bloke hasn't punched you in the face or slyly dipped his knob in
your pint then the chances are that he thinks you're okay. Girls on the other
hand will have you jumping through fucking hoops to get their approval as
though you're a horny dolphin desperately performing for just a whiff of fish.
Having said that though, I would much
rather be living this life in my sheer confusion than be gay. I know we're
meant to live in an open minded world but unfortunately we don't. Personally I
couldn't care less who fancies who but sadly there are still a lot of ignorant
fuckwits out there making other peoples lives unnecessarily difficult.
Homophobia is such a strange thing because it basically involves getting Hulk
smashingly mad about somebody else's fondness for a bit of bum-loving. I don't
know about you but becoming so emotional over what some guy does with his own
dick sounds pretty gay to me. Luckily though there is one place on this Earth
where prejudice doesn't exist and men who love each other can live in peace. I
am of course talking about an American Naval aircraft carrier which according
to Top Gun is the most homo-happy place in existence. If that film is to
be believed then these ships are just giant floating gay bars but where they
fly planes and blow people up instead of dancing to Kylie and getting slack
from poppers.
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| "Your ego is writing cheques your body can't cash." |
I feel at this point that I should
summarise the plot of the movie which is annoyingly a pretty difficult thing to
do. There are two ways to read this film which is the intended way or the gay
way. The intended way is that it's about a bunch of pilots who all bond and fly
planes and I think briefly fight some Russians… to be honest though, that
version of the film is actually pretty dull. Taken for what it is, Top Gun is
an overly cheesy, 80's movie that
thankfully has at least a few good action scenes in it. Unfortunately though
watching footage of planes fly around for two hours really isn't that enjoyable
to me considering I'm not a six year old child or a maladjusted dullard. As
much as I appreciate a glimpse of the metal bird as it whizzes past with its
shiny wings, I'd still prefer at least a tiny bit of story now and again too.
Oh and with its cheap keyboard-cat sounding music the film has really badly
dated to shit in the last twenty years. In fact the only other thing that I can
think of that has aged this badly since the 80's is probably Mickey Rourke's
face which now resembles a death mask of his own arse.
However to fully enjoy this film you really
need to watch it with the gay slant in mind. I'd heard of Top Gun’s reputation
for being about a gang of homo-pilots but nothing prepared me for quite how
unsubtle it was. Back in 1994 a film was released called Sleep With Me in
which for some reason somebody had once again given Tarantino an acting job.
Although the film has been mostly forgotten the one thing that it is remembered
for is QT's spot on analysis of Top Gun as being a gay metaphor. To
quickly summarise his points, it's that Tom Cruise is sexually confused and
torn between being straight or gay. Here the Navy represents homosexuality and Kelly McGillis's unprofessional tutor represents heterosexuality.
Throughout the film both the Navy and Kelly McGillis fight for his affection
before Cruise makes his choice and inevitably becomes a full on, high-flying
sodomite.
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| "So tell me again about fisting..." |
There are several obvious reasons
why this film is brilliantly about a bunch of gay people and all it takes is a
simple viewing to figure it out. These observations aren't particularly
analytical because it's just so in your face that I genuinely can't see how it
could be unintentional or go unnoticed. For a start all of the characters have
clearly got boyfriends so Maverick is obviously fucking Goose, Iceman is
fucking Slider and Viper is fucking Jester. They all announce if they have an
erection from seeing each other, spend way too much time flashing their cocks
whilst lingering in the changing rooms and then there's the dialogue. At one
point as an example Slider asks, “Whose butt did you kiss to get in here
anyway?” to which Goose replies. “The list is long, but distinguished” before
Slider ends the conversation by saying, “Yeah, well so is my Johnson”. It might
sound tenuously about the Military but it is clearly a jealous man accusing
another of being a slag before concluding the debate by trying to seduce him.
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| "Utter one more syllable and I'll have you killed." |
Perhaps out of context it might
sound like I'm reaching for it, but seriously- watch it and you'll see that
every conversation between any two men is just brimming with sexual tension.
Every time I see Maverick and Iceman together it genuinely feels as though
they're about to violently fuck each other whilst Goose has a cry in the
background. Sure Maverick might shag Kelly McGillis at one point but it's clear
he's picturing Valerie Kilmer when he does it and you can tell he's sticking it
up her arse for old time’s sake. It's such a joyless fuck between them that it
simply highlights Cruise and McGillis complete lack of compatibility. Maverick
probably has more sexual chemistry with miscellaneous props such as tables and
microphones than he does with her although in her defence microphones are
fairly cock-shaped. Also if McGillis is the character that is intended to lure
Cruise into being straight would it not make sense to cast someone at least a
little more tempting? At the time she looked old enough to be his bloody mother
but now aged just 55 she's already started to resemble a cheap Judi Dench
lookalike.
Anyway I know I'm going on about the gay
thing but that's because it's clearly the best thing about this movie.
Minorities are always neglected when it comes to having heroes and so it's nice
that here exists an action movie that non-judgementally provides them with a
few. Night of the Living Dead is always being praised for providing the
world with its first black hero for which colour was irrelevant and I genuinely
believe Top Gun deserves equal credit. On its own, this film is just a
series of adverts for ships, planes, motorbikes and stupidity. By assuming
they're all boyfriends though everything suddenly makes a lot more sense and
the film is elevated into a brilliant 80's oddity that even homophobes can
obliviously enjoy. Sure the aviation footage is pretty cool but if all I wanted
to see was what the world looked like from up high I'd probably just throw
myself off a bridge… which of course brings me neatly to the subject of
director Tony Scott.
I think that like many people I genuinely
had no clue of how much of a fan of him I was until he'd died. Throughout his
career I tended to dismiss news of his upcoming films on the grounds that they
would probably be shit. As it turns out most of them actually were. However as
rubbish as Beverly Hills Cop Two might be, it's hard to actually dislike
many of his films simply because of their huge balls and joyful simplicity.
Scott may have been a little keen on the hand-cranking in his later films but
it was never at the expense of character or acting. When you remember Man on
Fire it's not the shoot-outs that linger but the emotion between Denzel
Washington and Dakota Fanning. Well that and the whole bomb up the arse thing I
suppose.
With hindsight, Scott really was one of the
kings of crappy action movies but unlike Michael Bay he didn't simply rely on
CGI and the dedication of a brain-dead fanbase of morons. In Top Gun when
the planes fly about at break-neck speed it was because he had ensured the
support and assistance of the American Navy. If Bay had made that film you can
guarantee everything would be made of pixels and instead of being joyously gay
it would probably be disturbingly sexist.
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| "These balls have sand all over them!" |
Scotts death made me want to re-view his work
and when going through his back catalogue you'll quickly notice that there's
always a True Romance and Last Boy Scout for every Domino and
Déjà Vu. Sure Top Gun is a bit crap but I can honestly say that
at no point did I find myself bored. Admittedly his films are at their best
when watched in company and without too much concentration but in the end
that's not a bad thing. When casually hanging out with a gang of friends it's
more fun to watch something as silly as Top Gun than banging in
Schindler's List and then organising a few minutes silence for after the
credits. People slag Top Gun off for trying to show the Navy in an
appealing light but fuck them! It's not a promotional tool for the Military but
an educational film about homosexuality. Anyone who doesn't believe that is
clearly yet to behold the joy and proof of the gayest volley ball scene ever
committed to film.
Follow this blog or I'll fucking cut you.
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