Disney fucking pisses me off, with their
happy-happy world that just doesn't exist in any form of reality whatsoever. In
a Disney film, everything is so boringly perfect and everybody so annoyingly
happy that I can only assume that all of the characters are off their tits on
ecstasy. Just for once I'd like to see a story that focuses on the adventures
of Mickey and Goofy as they try to hide the rotting corpse of a butchered up
whore who they killed whilst raging on bath salts.
I understand that these are kids’ movies but children really need to know that the world is a shitty place just so that adulthood doesn’t come as quite a shock to them. I don't remember how a film like Dumbo actually concluded but I doubt they went for the realism of having the elephant shot in the face so that its teeth could be turned into an expensive piano.
I understand that these are kids’ movies but children really need to know that the world is a shitty place just so that adulthood doesn’t come as quite a shock to them. I don't remember how a film like Dumbo actually concluded but I doubt they went for the realism of having the elephant shot in the face so that its teeth could be turned into an expensive piano.
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| "We should stab each other." |
The depressing truth is that in our world,
the closet thing to a happy ending is the cheeky wank you receive after a particularly expensive
massage. As for the idea of couples in love living happily ever after, well,
that little Disney rule can go fuck itself up the arse with a dildo wrapped in
serrated divorce papers. Let’s try to pretend that people do stay together and
happy then one of them has to die first leaving their partner old, frail,
depressed and alone. The only way a loving couple can live happily ever after
is if at the peak of their joy they make a suicide pact and hurl themselves off
a particularly high bridge and into that day’s heavy rush hour traffic. It's
not that I hate Disney films, it's just that I can't cope with the misery of
our world after ninety minutes of their bullshit propaganda for the gullible
optimist.
Despite it's preoccupation with world
domination and in-between buying and owning everything ever, Disney has somehow
found the time to release a new animated film called Wreck-It Ralph. This
film tells the story of how our computer game characters come alive within
their consoles when there are no humans around to play them. So basically it's
kind of like the setting of Tron crossed with the concept of Toy
Story but without the constant references to a young boy playing with his
Woody. Within the arcade community of Wreck-It Ralph, the various
characters can travel into each others worlds and interact with each other
allowing them to form a society consisting of bars, support groups and
prejudice. Like we humans ignorantly hate our minority groups or anybody
different to ourselves, so too do computer game characters. As a result when
everybody comes alive they all have a great time except for the game’s villains
who are demonised and cast out like AIDs infected lepers at a lucky-dip sex
party.
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| "After killing 85 people I hid in the subway and the police just forgot about me" |
The film follows the title character of
Wreck-It Ralph who is the bad guy in his own game and starting to feel a little
lonely after being shunned for thirty years by all of the heroes. As a result,
Ralph attends a support group for game villains in which they all discuss their
grievances and learn to accept themselves for who they are. It's a strange to
note that of all the cameos in this scene they bizarrely don't have anybody
from Grand Theft Auto which is a shame. Having said that, with
some of the things I've made Niko Bellic do, there's a chance he may have been
shunned from even here. In a way I suppose break-time in Hell would be similar
to this, with wrongdoers consoling each other. But instead of Bowser and Doctor
Eggman it'd be cunts like Myra Hindley, Vlad the Impaler and Bernard Manning.
This group session however results in Ralph declaring that he's sick of being
the bad guy and that he actually wants to be liked by those that he spends his
working day tormenting. Kind of like a Nazi prison guard deciding that when
he's off duty he should be more than welcome down at the local synagogue.
After ruining a party that he wasn't
invited to, Ralph announces to his game’s characters that he is going to become
a hero for them to respect and befriend. This takes him on a huge mission that
involves a futuristic first person shooter and a racing game set in some colourful
world made of biscuits and product placement. So he pretty much just enters two
games that so closely rip off Halo and Mario Kart that I'm
surprised that their companies lawyers haven't started ejaculating with joy and
plans to sue. However it's in the latter of those two places that we're
introduced to the young and potentially annoying supporting character Venellope.
She's a young girl who dreams of being a racer despite being a glitch. This
basically means she can't help but unintentionally zap around like a broken
version of X-Men 2's Nightcrawler. I suppose she's the gaming world's
equivalent of someone with special needs as she suffers from an apparent case
of teleportation Tourette’s.
From this point on, the film follows a
fairly formulaic path which to it's benefit does manage to wrap up all of the
competing subplots. However, no matter how tidily everything might end up being
that still means from about half way in there's absolutely no surprises
whatsoever. I suppose it's kind of like shagging the same person for the tenth
year in a row, it's not that you aren't having fun but just that everything has
gotten a little predictable. In fact the analogy can be taken even further as
the only reason you're still doing them is because like with each character in Wreck-It
Ralph, you simply enjoy their personality.
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| We had to censor his language for a reason... |
Another very slight problem that I had here
was exactly what I ranted about at the start. The film is all about the burden
of loneliness and yet still it insists on having a feel good ending. It's not
that I didn't expect it but there's a moment near the end in which Ralph pretty
much attempts suicide and gets annoyingly rescued before it's too late. I think
it bothered me because stupidly for one nano-second I actually thought he was
going to proper top himself and traumatise the children with a little bit of
reality. I know people think kids should be protected from darkness but fuck
that! Time Bandits is one of the best kids films of all times and that
ends with the kid alone and presumably about to be sectioned. I saw Misery when
I was about five years old and the only way I can think of that movie potentially damaging me is that now I
can't get erections without thinking of dead animals.
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| The ghosts of actual victims of this violent game. |
Like I said though, Wreck-it Ralph is
still an enjoyable film. It might not be overly memorable or particularly life
changing but it's still good fun. To its credit, it does also seem to be
continuing a rule that the best computer game movies aren't based on any actual
computer game at all. Films like Scott Pilgrim and Crank are
great fun whereas something like Super Mario Bros makes me want to hang
myself with a NES controller whilst crying. This might not quite reach the
heights of Toy Story but as a celebration of a gaming culture, I can
appreciate its love for all things 8bit. I might not be desperate to see a
sequel but I'm glad it exists if only to inspire kids to go out and find some
retro games to enjoy. Fucktards are always accusing things like GTA of
encouraging real life violence but too many people forget about the great
famine of the Pacman generation. People really do get brainwashed by
games and it's about time the children were told what happened to Earth's
supply of cherries.
Follow this blog or I'll fucking cut you.
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