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Near
the end of Valerian And The City Of A Thousand Planets, the two lead
characters find out that they're going to be stuck in a shuttle with
each other for two hours and with nothing to do. “Great” one of
them says to the other, “Two hours with you is going to feel like
an eternity”. “Imagine how I felt”, a friend said to me after
the film, “I had to spend two and a quarter fucking hours with
them”. To be fair the film hasn't exactly received the warmest of
welcomes with critics accusing it of essentially being cinematic
candy-floss, colourful to look at but ultimately lacking in any
substance whatsoever. They're not wrong either. Sci-fi movies have
the potential to hold a mirror up to our own society and reveal
profound truths about our existence and way of life. In this film we
see Cara Delevingne stick her head up a jelly-fishes arse hole in
order to see the future and, in honesty, I fucking loved it. Not just
the head to anus scene but every rainbow coloured piece of bullshit
that the film spewed my way. If gay pride was a person then this is
the film that it would vomit out at the end of a really enjoyable but
ultimately forgettable night out.