Frozen 2 The Bone

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Frozen 2 is The Empire Strikes Back of this franchise in that it's a little darker than the first instalment and because I'm becoming increasingly confident that the central siblings are probably fucking each other. Wasn't there a bit in the first movie where the Snow Queen Elsa essentially came out as gay during a flamboyantly diva-ish musical number? I hope I'm not making that up because I have almost zero intention of going back to check it out. Well, in this movie it seems that she's in some sort of sexy-fun-time relationship with her sister which is pretty incredible of Disney. It's about time that they had a gay couple at the heart of one of their films although it's pretty ballsy of them to then have them so closely related. If it were me I'd have started with a couple of kissing cousins to test the waters but Disney seems to have muff-dived straight in with a sister-on-sister lez-off. I mean, not really, obviously. But there's quite a lot of focus on Elsa and her sister Anna's love for each other and that's just generally not something that you see in a movie outside of the porn industry. So you can see why I got confused? Maybe Frozen 2 is how all pornos would go if the pushy plumber failed to turn up and the two sisters were able to just go on an adventure instead?

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That fucking snowman is back again too in case you were wondering. I think he's quite popular because when I saw this movie at the cinema I heard all of the children in the audience cheer whenever they saw him. This was strange for two reasons. Firstly because I didn't then hear the sound of the children's parents fucking slap them for making such a loud noise during a movie. And secondly, because he's clearly a cunt. Well, not a cunt. I guess that's such a strong word for somebody that's entirely good-natured. But if I knew him in real life then that would be how I'd refer to him behind his back. He never shuts the fuck up and he's so incessantly happy that I can only assume that he's on some uber-strength fucking Prozac. I don't know why the two women in this movie keep the chirpy little fuck about but if I had to do even half a shift with him at work then I can guarantee that I'd have the heating on full and I'd be following the melty little fucker around with a fucking hairdryer. At one point he begins to wonder about the nature of 'change', whether all things eventually have to change and whether anything can ever stay the same. At one point he concludes that although change might be scary and inevitable the one thing that remains constant is love. I guess nobody has ever shown him the cliff that his previously loving parents would have thrown him off had he been born during the age of the fucking Spartans.

The other thing that this movie is about is in the discovery that your ancestors might not have been the heroes that you'd previously thought them to be. Although considering that most western countries were either built off the back of either the slave trade or some horrific genocide of its original inhabitants I suppose that shouldn't come as so much of a surprise to the characters here. I mean jeez, you don't even need to go further past the 'browse history' option to find out that your relatives are holding in some pretty horrific fucking secrets these days. Just promise that if you ever use my computer then you'll avoid typing in 'the sisters from Frozen' and then reading how it predicts that sentence will end. Or if you do then at least believe that I thought the phrase "clam-slamming" would be a lot more innocent than it was. I suppose that Frozen 2 is a kids film though, and the idea that its plot might revolve around the discovery that your supposedly civilised society may have been built on a foundation of lies and murder is pretty radical. A couple of my friends have had babies recently and I'm generally of the opinion that we should inject as much cynicism and crippling suspicion into them as we possibly can. If Disney wants to teach our young that their privilege was paved by the blood of the innocent then I'm absolutely all for it.

Of course, one of the ways that the film makes this horrific concept more palatable for a younger audience is by wrapping it all up in a bow of cheery songs. I don't know if you remember but that song from the last movie stuck around for fucking months after the movie was released like a fart trapped in a biscuit tin. Didn't it even win the Oscar for best song or something too? I could check but again I can't be arsed. All I remember is that it was performed by Elsa's voice-actor Idina Menzel or as John Travolta wrongly called her on the night, "Adele Dazeem". Still. I don't think anybody can blame him for that fuck up. It's not like it's his entire fucking job to remember basic lines and then deliver them as though he at least gives half a shit about what he's saying. Perhaps, as the rumours suggest he does, he'd already had a tough day trying to convince his masseuse to give him the standard anus-hole rub-down. There's one big song in this new film which I think is trying to be this years 'Let It Go' in which Elsa prances about in a sort of disco'd up Fortress of Solitude. But it's just not quite as catchy as that previous chart-topper was. There was another one called 'Into The Unknown' too which I didn't think quite hit those previous highs and which I again think might have been about where Travolta was trying to get his masseuse to enter.

Of course, there were some things in Frozen 2 that I liked. There's a scene in which Elsa rode a horse made of water across a sea of large and violent waves which was fun even if it did make me crave for a fucking Guinness. But for the most part, the movie kind of felt like a brilliantly made direct to DVD follow up of the first. It began, a bunch of shit happened, it ended and I instantly started to forget about it. I know that I've also described the life of my long-dead Granddad there, but I just never felt hugely invested in the movie. I was never bored with Frozen 2 but nor did I ever feel any huge sense of real emotional engagement. Sure I was always slightly self-conscious of the fact that I was a lone thirty-one-year-old male in a cinema full of mums and children. I know that I'm not a nonce but if there were any adults there that didn't tell their child to stay away from the 'scary, probably-a-pedo man' then that was some pretty shoddy parenting on their part. I guess that the first film was just so good that this perfectly acceptable sequel is bound to feel significantly lesser as a result. There's just a lack of anything significantly new here that perhaps prevents it from truly delivering that same wow factor again. The whole thing simply suffers from the old 'second power wank of the night' issue in that no matter how much you might want it to be it just isn't as good as the first one. Thanks for reading motherfuckers and see you next time.