The Avengers Abide

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When a film like Avengers: Endgame comes out, it starts to feel like we're living in some sort of fascist state in which even the slightest whisper of a spoiler is punishable by death. In general, I'd say that I'm against any form of fascism to the point that I get pissed off when even the self-scan in the supermarket tells me to remove my shopping from the bagging area. I mean what the fuck does it think it's doing, telling me what to do. We don't live in the fucking Matrix yet you robot-prick! However, in this case, my only regret is that spoiling things literally isn't punishable by death as I would quite happily cave any perpetrators head in with a fucking rock and then shit into their skull as a warning to everybody else. So I won't spoil anything major here if you haven't seen it. I'll probably talk about the bit in the movie in which Tony and Steve die of AIDS and why I felt it was right to graphically show how they got it. But I don't think that counts as a spoiler because we all saw it coming right? We certainly saw them coming in that scene anyway. So I guess I will be talking a little bit about what happens and so if you haven't seen it then you know.. piss off.

Marvel Gets Its Stones Out

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If you visit Amsterdam, there's a sex museum that most people go to in which there are replicas of two giant cocks that you can sit between and have your photo taken. Like one of those giant cocks, the mad titan Thanos is a huge scary bastard with a big purple head who looks like he wants to fuck everything. Although in his case I obviously mean that in a destructive way, such as the time that U2 fucked our iTunes collection by having their latest shit album automatically pollute our phones with their unwanted twangly bollocks. For those who have been living under a rock then Thanos is the villain in Marvel's latest Avengers: Infinity War and who we've been warned has been coming for quite some time now. Which is another similarity to a giant cock I suppose. Although if you're not completely up to speed on the multi-franchise team-up, then good luck on following whatever the shit is going on in this movie because it doesn't really do much to help bring you in. At one point Peter Parker is sat on his school bus when he spots an alien invasion in the distance. Quick as a flash he web-slings the window open in order to escape and head over to it. If you didn't know he was Spider-Man, then you're essentially watching a young man fling his stringy 'substance' at a window, which is something you can't even get away with at an Amsterdam sex museum.

A Film About Depression?

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For me, Captain America: Civil War is one giant multi-million dollar metaphor for depression. The Avengers are being pressured into signing up to a contract in which they submit themselves to Earth's various Governments like a gang of gimped-up, pocket-holding, prison bitches. Tony Stark is all up for this deal having spent the previous few films allowing his post-tits-up guilt to begin to torture him as though his brain is hosting a party for a pencil-stabbing dominatrix and a naughty British MP on his birthday. Captain America however is slightly more dubious about signing up to a sinister organisation having been Deliverance-style fucked by the S.H.I.E.L.D/Hydra bullshit of his previous film. The two characters begin to bicker and fight with all of their various super-chums picking sides as though we're watching a gay couple's divorce take place in an exclusively camp fancy-dress shop. It's also worth mentioning that Bucky Barnes' Winter Soldier is a key player here with Stark wanting him captured and Cap attempting to protect him. Many people might wonder why Captain America is so hell-bent on protecting his clearly dangerous friend however if I was a seventy year old virgin then I reckon I'd also remain pretty loyal to a man with a pneumatic metal wanking arm.

Cruise Control For Earth

Sometimes it's best to read all of the instructions before trying to use a device that you intend to have save you some time. I heard a story about some guy who bought himself a camper van and seeing that it had cruise control, decided to go for a drive. Now we sane people know that this simply means that the vehicle will maintain its speed without you having to dick about with the pedals. But this golden fuck-nugget bought the thing under the assumption that cruise control meant autopilot and that he'd never need to steer again. So the dipshit went for his drive, popped on the cruise control, and without so much as a test, went to the back to make himself a cup of tea. Cut to one minute later when the road hits a bend, and suddenly Dopey the Dick finds himself smashed to buggery and on his way to the hospital. I think he then sued the makers of his vehicle, presumably on the grounds that he's a braindead, fucking, numpty.

Retro Slashing

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There was this one time that I was alone in the house when suddenly somebody burst through the front door and ran straight up the stairs. As it turned out, they desperately needed the bathroom and didn't feel the need to shut the door behind themselves. I was therefore treated to the sounds of a stranger shitting their guts out. I heard every fart, every splash and every groan. There wasn't a single element of their arse flappage that I didn't experience with crystal-clear clarity! The problem was that I was in the room directly opposite the bathroom and so, although they wouldn't have seen me on their trip in, they'd be looking right at me on their way out. The only thing worse than having a stranger run into your house and start shitting up the walls is the social awkwardness afterwards and so I started to panic. I decided to try and shut myself in so that I'd be hidden from view, however, because my door is annoyingly creaky, I had to time my actions to the sound of their... noises. Do you ever have those moments where you look at your own life and wonder “what the fuck has gone wrong?” Hiding from a stranger as they filled the house with the stench of their own anus was certainly one for me.

The Path of the Righteous Man

And now I shall begin this blog in the style of an old bitter man who’s had one too many to drink before closing time. I'll let you decide at which point I start to break character and allow reality to bleed in! So... what is it with you people? Bastards, the lot of you! I look around and all I see are bullshitters and fuckwits. I used to have hope. I had dreams. But you've killed them all with your lies like the great selfish arseholes that you are! I hate you. I hate your fake smiles and your fucking punchable shithead faces. I'm sick of being choked to death by the truth shaped bollocks that you ram down my throat. You're all a herd of wild bell-ends and I have been trampled by your hooves of crap for far too long. Sure I might have a few trust issues but I'd say the biggest issue is simply that everyone's a twat and you can all burn in hell. I think there are about four people in this life who I can actually properly trust and thank fuck for them. They're the last line of defence between me, the world and a full blown breakdown. You lot should be fucking grateful for them too because I swear to God that I'm only one spoonful of horseshit away from heading to the clock tower and taking fucking aim! Aaaaand scene... So anyway, Captain America: The Winter Soldier was pretty good.

This film continues the story of Steve Rogers from both his first film and The Avengers as the worlds least scrawny nice-guy continues to have the world shit all over him. Whilst adjusting to life in our time, he now works for SHIELD who supposedly protect our world from all the freaky stuff that's been going down of late. I was actually thinking whilst watching this that if you lived in the Marvel Universe, the daily news channels would be the greatest TV show of all time! How the hell would something like Breaking Bad compete with the News at Ten when that news features genuine footage of aliens, superheroes, and massive fuck-off robots? You'd think that their fictional dramas would be the most boring things possible just as a bit of escapism from all the adrenalin. Breaking Bad wouldn't be about a dying teacher slowly becoming a stone-cold Meth dealer it would be about a dying teacher slowly becoming a stone-cold corpse. It'd be self-fulfilment television at its most relaxing! Anyway... So SHIELD gets compromised, Nick Fury disappears and the Captain has to figure out who he can trust whilst also trying to discover who the hell The Winter Soldier is. There's fights, laughs, tears, and credits.

What do you mean I look like someone left a waxwork of Brad Pitt to close to a fire?

So, if there's one theme that runs so consistently through this film it's the idea of trust which, other than my questionable mental state and an overly indulgent writing style, is the main reason for the opening paragraph. SHIELD has been infiltrated by the enemy and after being informed by Fury, The Captain slowly learns that he can no longer trust anybody. Although Marvel essentially make nothing but superhero action films, it's admirable that they try to remain at least somewhat original by setting each new addition in a different sub-genre. This time they've decided on homaging the old paranoia/conspiracy thrillers of the 70's with this film featuring sinister organisations, bugged rooms, double agents and the appearance of an old decomposing Robert Redford. It's not that Redford doesn't look good for his age, it's just that now he kind of looks like somebody’s tried to make a sculpture of his younger self out of cheese and it's starting to go off. He's still cool though so unless he's offering a million dollars, I suppose it doesn't matter to me what he looks like. I also appreciated how this film is basically the next episode in what is essentially now just a massive-budget TV show and yet still remains accessible to any new audience members. Did you see the first Captain America film? No? Well then don't worry because The Cap himself will fill you in when he goes for an egotistical stroll through, 'The Museum of Clunky Exposition'.

So yeah- I really enjoyed this film which, let’s face it, is so reminiscent of Thunderbirds that it's like a live-action wet dream from the founder of the Jerry Anderson fan club. For me, the highlight was near the start where Fury is involved in a car chase that results in even more proof that Samuel 'Not in the Matrix' Jackson really is the coolest motherfucker on the planet. I also really like Steve Rogers despite that fact that he seems so considerate and kind that he's at constant risk of being about as much fun as fingering a deflated sex doll that's not even pretending to be into it. I don't know why I like Rogers so much but I think it's because he's a nice guy and I'm single which, from my experience, must mean that I am too. I also admire how little controversy Marvel have attracted for Captain America considering that the way in which he acquired his powers essentially makes the franchise a promotional tool for the use of steroids. Are you a pathetic scrawny fuck who wishes he was tough enough to punch foreigners in the face? Then when not try making yourself bigger by stabbing yourself in the muscles with a variety of untested drug-filled needles?! You've got to admire their balls for that one!

Anyway, also I think it's pretty cool to see how relevant this film kind of is with its exploration of Government Agencies spying on people who haven't yet done anything wrong. Admittedly that exploration only goes as far as seeing how long it'll take for something to explode but it's still nice to know that John Snowdon has a blockbuster he can relate to, too. In fact, I really enjoyed all of the fun espionage action so much that for at least the first hour I thought this could be my favourite non-Avengers film in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Well, I thought that for the first hour at least but then it just went on and on and on. In many ways the structure of this film is very reminiscent of Ron Jeremy in that it's kind of long and a bit too flabby. Having said that, I don't really know what I'd take out to get this film down to a more reasonable duration. The only thing I can think is that the third act could have done with something different simply because every Marvel film ever has so far ended with a climactic battle. In fact, other than World War Z, I'm pretty sure that no action film has either. Sure none of them had previously also involved the cool swooping of The Falcon, or as I prefer, ‘Robo-Kes’... but still. In fact, one of the things I also loved was in how his metal wings were barely explained considering how fucking mental and impractical they are. I think there's a throwaway line about how he ended up with them after somebody asked, “what the fuck?” But despite whatever his answer really was, it was so uninformative that he may as well have just retorted with, “Because only cunts ask questions”.

Speaking of things with almost no explanation, I'd say that possibly the biggest fault of the film is that The Winter Soldier, whose name is in the fucking title, ends up getting a little neglected. As villains go, he's like a young boy sat outside a pub for six hours with a glass of lemonade and a packet of crisps as the adults have fun inside. His backstory is also explained in a sequence that's over so quickly it makes most vines look like Lawrence of A-fucking-rabia. The Winter Soldier turns up, shoots things and looks angry... that's about it. I mean how in God's name can he be unhappy considering his single superpower is a pneumatic wanking arm? In fact, what's he even doing out of the house? Although, whatever... I guess the presence of an underused villain is always going to be a problem with characters as charismatic and famous as these lead superheroes seem to be. It's also true of a few other Marvel films too, with Thor 2's Malekith being about as personality-free as a dishcloth and Iron Man's Obadiah Stane's name sounding like a wet patch found around an old, pissed Irishman's crotch. I guess there's also only so many times that they can wheel Loki out too before either Tom Hiddleston dies of exhaustion or the character becomes about as overused as a fat person’s shitting bucket. I suppose this villain thing is just going to have to be something the series concentrates on improving as things move on. Speaking of which, another problem is possibly that with these films are planned out so far ahead that there's almost no level of suspense in regards to the fate of key characters. Near the start here, somebody gets off-ed which is slightly undermined by the fact that we've all seen the cast list for The Avengers 2 and we all saw Gordon pull the exact same trick in The Dark Knight.

Captain America 3: The Unventilated Fart

But, yeah... I promise you that this film is still really good with Marvel's first real fuck up still yet to happen. It's admirable that a mainstream action movie should aim for some degree of political relevance- it's nice to see a studio have the balls to make huge changes within the world of their films and it's fun to see Robert Redford both visibly involved with pop-culture and alive. It does kind of bang on about the issue of trust quite a lot which is fine... Although if you've had the same experiences that I have with the opposite sex then not trusting people really isn't a lesson you need to be taught. Once you've had to forcibly prevent a girl from ramming her finger up your arse, a stern word about being ‘on your guard’ from Samuel L. Jackson seems a little redundant. But that's just me... Sometimes I think I can be too honest in these blogs…? Maybe that's why I can relate to Captain America so much. He can't trust people because everyone around him keeps getting murdered and I can't because somebody once tried to penetrate me. We're like two peas in a pod! And on that note, I'll end it there and see you next week. Bye-bye!!!

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