Marvel Gets Its Stones Out

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If you visit Amsterdam, there's a sex museum that most people go to in which there are replicas of two giant cocks that you can sit between and have your photo taken. Like one of those giant cocks, the mad titan Thanos is a huge scary bastard with a big purple head who looks like he wants to fuck everything. Although in his case I obviously mean that in a destructive way, such as the time that U2 fucked our iTunes collection by having their latest shit album automatically pollute our phones with their unwanted twangly bollocks. For those who have been living under a rock then Thanos is the villain in Marvel's latest Avengers: Infinity War and who we've been warned has been coming for quite some time now. Which is another similarity to a giant cock I suppose. Although if you're not completely up to speed on the multi-franchise team-up, then good luck on following whatever the shit is going on in this movie because it doesn't really do much to help bring you in. At one point Peter Parker is sat on his school bus when he spots an alien invasion in the distance. Quick as a flash he web-slings the window open in order to escape and head over to it. If you didn't know he was Spider-Man, then you're essentially watching a young man fling his stringy 'substance' at a window, which is something you can't even get away with at an Amsterdam sex museum.

Marvel Is Going Strange

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Doctor Strange is arguably the most unbelievable film that Marvel have decided to use in their Cinematic Universe. Not because of all the magic and crazy shit in it of course. Who can be surprised by that in a world featuring The Avengers?! Even more insanely, it actually seems to take place in an America in which literally nobody ever seems to have to pay their hospital bills! I mean, what the fuck?! At one point an injured Doctor Strange zaps straight into the hospital, calls the name of a nurse he knows, finds an empty operating room and gets seen to straight away. The other day my mate fell strangely onto his ankle because he's a total fucking idiot and I thought we were both going to die in that hospital the wait was so long. It was the same as that time I slipped in the bathroom when balancing on the side of the bath and cracked my bollocks on the sink. Who cares about magic when the film has hospitals that treat people as well as this?! This might be a universe in which aliens are being shat out of the sky, and various ancient Gods are taking a huge glittery dumps onto humanity, however clearly it's not all bad!