A Film About Depression?

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For me, Captain America: Civil War is one giant multi-million dollar metaphor for depression. The Avengers are being pressured into signing up to a contract in which they submit themselves to Earth's various Governments like a gang of gimped-up, pocket-holding, prison bitches. Tony Stark is all up for this deal having spent the previous few films allowing his post-tits-up guilt to begin to torture him as though his brain is hosting a party for a pencil-stabbing dominatrix and a naughty British MP on his birthday. Captain America however is slightly more dubious about signing up to a sinister organisation having been Deliverance-style fucked by the S.H.I.E.L.D/Hydra bullshit of his previous film. The two characters begin to bicker and fight with all of their various super-chums picking sides as though we're watching a gay couple's divorce take place in an exclusively camp fancy-dress shop. It's also worth mentioning that Bucky Barnes' Winter Soldier is a key player here with Stark wanting him captured and Cap attempting to protect him. Many people might wonder why Captain America is so hell-bent on protecting his clearly dangerous friend however if I was a seventy year old virgin then I reckon I'd also remain pretty loyal to a man with a pneumatic metal wanking arm.

The Path of the Righteous Man

And now I shall begin this blog in the style of an old bitter man who’s had one too many to drink before closing time. I'll let you decide at which point I start to break character and allow reality to bleed in! So... what is it with you people? Bastards, the lot of you! I look around and all I see are bullshitters and fuckwits. I used to have hope. I had dreams. But you've killed them all with your lies like the great selfish arseholes that you are! I hate you. I hate your fake smiles and your fucking punchable shithead faces. I'm sick of being choked to death by the truth shaped bollocks that you ram down my throat. You're all a herd of wild bell-ends and I have been trampled by your hooves of crap for far too long. Sure I might have a few trust issues but I'd say the biggest issue is simply that everyone's a twat and you can all burn in hell. I think there are about four people in this life who I can actually properly trust and thank fuck for them. They're the last line of defence between me, the world and a full blown breakdown. You lot should be fucking grateful for them too because I swear to God that I'm only one spoonful of horseshit away from heading to the clock tower and taking fucking aim! Aaaaand scene... So anyway, Captain America: The Winter Soldier was pretty good.

This film continues the story of Steve Rogers from both his first film and The Avengers as the worlds least scrawny nice-guy continues to have the world shit all over him. Whilst adjusting to life in our time, he now works for SHIELD who supposedly protect our world from all the freaky stuff that's been going down of late. I was actually thinking whilst watching this that if you lived in the Marvel Universe, the daily news channels would be the greatest TV show of all time! How the hell would something like Breaking Bad compete with the News at Ten when that news features genuine footage of aliens, superheroes, and massive fuck-off robots? You'd think that their fictional dramas would be the most boring things possible just as a bit of escapism from all the adrenalin. Breaking Bad wouldn't be about a dying teacher slowly becoming a stone-cold Meth dealer it would be about a dying teacher slowly becoming a stone-cold corpse. It'd be self-fulfilment television at its most relaxing! Anyway... So SHIELD gets compromised, Nick Fury disappears and the Captain has to figure out who he can trust whilst also trying to discover who the hell The Winter Soldier is. There's fights, laughs, tears, and credits.

What do you mean I look like someone left a waxwork of Brad Pitt to close to a fire?

So, if there's one theme that runs so consistently through this film it's the idea of trust which, other than my questionable mental state and an overly indulgent writing style, is the main reason for the opening paragraph. SHIELD has been infiltrated by the enemy and after being informed by Fury, The Captain slowly learns that he can no longer trust anybody. Although Marvel essentially make nothing but superhero action films, it's admirable that they try to remain at least somewhat original by setting each new addition in a different sub-genre. This time they've decided on homaging the old paranoia/conspiracy thrillers of the 70's with this film featuring sinister organisations, bugged rooms, double agents and the appearance of an old decomposing Robert Redford. It's not that Redford doesn't look good for his age, it's just that now he kind of looks like somebody’s tried to make a sculpture of his younger self out of cheese and it's starting to go off. He's still cool though so unless he's offering a million dollars, I suppose it doesn't matter to me what he looks like. I also appreciated how this film is basically the next episode in what is essentially now just a massive-budget TV show and yet still remains accessible to any new audience members. Did you see the first Captain America film? No? Well then don't worry because The Cap himself will fill you in when he goes for an egotistical stroll through, 'The Museum of Clunky Exposition'.

So yeah- I really enjoyed this film which, let’s face it, is so reminiscent of Thunderbirds that it's like a live-action wet dream from the founder of the Jerry Anderson fan club. For me, the highlight was near the start where Fury is involved in a car chase that results in even more proof that Samuel 'Not in the Matrix' Jackson really is the coolest motherfucker on the planet. I also really like Steve Rogers despite that fact that he seems so considerate and kind that he's at constant risk of being about as much fun as fingering a deflated sex doll that's not even pretending to be into it. I don't know why I like Rogers so much but I think it's because he's a nice guy and I'm single which, from my experience, must mean that I am too. I also admire how little controversy Marvel have attracted for Captain America considering that the way in which he acquired his powers essentially makes the franchise a promotional tool for the use of steroids. Are you a pathetic scrawny fuck who wishes he was tough enough to punch foreigners in the face? Then when not try making yourself bigger by stabbing yourself in the muscles with a variety of untested drug-filled needles?! You've got to admire their balls for that one!

Anyway, also I think it's pretty cool to see how relevant this film kind of is with its exploration of Government Agencies spying on people who haven't yet done anything wrong. Admittedly that exploration only goes as far as seeing how long it'll take for something to explode but it's still nice to know that John Snowdon has a blockbuster he can relate to, too. In fact, I really enjoyed all of the fun espionage action so much that for at least the first hour I thought this could be my favourite non-Avengers film in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Well, I thought that for the first hour at least but then it just went on and on and on. In many ways the structure of this film is very reminiscent of Ron Jeremy in that it's kind of long and a bit too flabby. Having said that, I don't really know what I'd take out to get this film down to a more reasonable duration. The only thing I can think is that the third act could have done with something different simply because every Marvel film ever has so far ended with a climactic battle. In fact, other than World War Z, I'm pretty sure that no action film has either. Sure none of them had previously also involved the cool swooping of The Falcon, or as I prefer, ‘Robo-Kes’... but still. In fact, one of the things I also loved was in how his metal wings were barely explained considering how fucking mental and impractical they are. I think there's a throwaway line about how he ended up with them after somebody asked, “what the fuck?” But despite whatever his answer really was, it was so uninformative that he may as well have just retorted with, “Because only cunts ask questions”.

Speaking of things with almost no explanation, I'd say that possibly the biggest fault of the film is that The Winter Soldier, whose name is in the fucking title, ends up getting a little neglected. As villains go, he's like a young boy sat outside a pub for six hours with a glass of lemonade and a packet of crisps as the adults have fun inside. His backstory is also explained in a sequence that's over so quickly it makes most vines look like Lawrence of A-fucking-rabia. The Winter Soldier turns up, shoots things and looks angry... that's about it. I mean how in God's name can he be unhappy considering his single superpower is a pneumatic wanking arm? In fact, what's he even doing out of the house? Although, whatever... I guess the presence of an underused villain is always going to be a problem with characters as charismatic and famous as these lead superheroes seem to be. It's also true of a few other Marvel films too, with Thor 2's Malekith being about as personality-free as a dishcloth and Iron Man's Obadiah Stane's name sounding like a wet patch found around an old, pissed Irishman's crotch. I guess there's also only so many times that they can wheel Loki out too before either Tom Hiddleston dies of exhaustion or the character becomes about as overused as a fat person’s shitting bucket. I suppose this villain thing is just going to have to be something the series concentrates on improving as things move on. Speaking of which, another problem is possibly that with these films are planned out so far ahead that there's almost no level of suspense in regards to the fate of key characters. Near the start here, somebody gets off-ed which is slightly undermined by the fact that we've all seen the cast list for The Avengers 2 and we all saw Gordon pull the exact same trick in The Dark Knight.

Captain America 3: The Unventilated Fart

But, yeah... I promise you that this film is still really good with Marvel's first real fuck up still yet to happen. It's admirable that a mainstream action movie should aim for some degree of political relevance- it's nice to see a studio have the balls to make huge changes within the world of their films and it's fun to see Robert Redford both visibly involved with pop-culture and alive. It does kind of bang on about the issue of trust quite a lot which is fine... Although if you've had the same experiences that I have with the opposite sex then not trusting people really isn't a lesson you need to be taught. Once you've had to forcibly prevent a girl from ramming her finger up your arse, a stern word about being ‘on your guard’ from Samuel L. Jackson seems a little redundant. But that's just me... Sometimes I think I can be too honest in these blogs…? Maybe that's why I can relate to Captain America so much. He can't trust people because everyone around him keeps getting murdered and I can't because somebody once tried to penetrate me. We're like two peas in a pod! And on that note, I'll end it there and see you next week. Bye-bye!!!

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That Loki Fucker Will Rue The Day!

 This is a big film and thus a big blog- read on only if you have seen the film or don’t mind some minor spoilers.

Like an arrogant David Blaine, God was pretty smug about bringing Jesus back from the dead. It was a brilliant trick to be fair, but not overly impressive when compared to the miracle Joss Whedon performed in resurrecting Firefly. Serenity was a genuinely brilliant film that featured great humour, action and characters. Unfortunately though, any chances for a sequel were destroyed when the movie was only seen by about nine and a half people. Considering it made approximately £14.20 back I can't help but think Whedon would have made more money by sticking his hand down the sofa and digging around for loose change.

A Calm Jason Statham

Thankfully though, Marvel are smart people and have been matching their movies with the perfect directors. Thor required someone who could handle the camp sub-Shakespearean themes and so they hired Kenneth Branagh. For The Incredible Hulk they got Louis Leterrier, a man most famous for directing the shaven headed, rage monkey that is Jason Statham and thus a larger, greener version would surely come naturally. With The Avengers they needed someone who could not only spin a lot of plates at once but would also be able to keep all the fans happy. Short of hiring a geeky whore with a mechanized wank-hand, Joss Whedon was probably the only name that could step up to the plate and provide the nerds with so much pleasure – he did not disappoint.

Loki's Darker Days

The film starts with Loki stealing the Transformers’ Allspark and pissing off somewhere with it to cause some troublesome shit. Nick 'Motherfucking' Fury is therefore tasked with formulating a plan to defend earth from Asgard's cunning- and better looking- version of Withnail. 

Shaft Fury - Best Porno Title Ever

The one-eyed Shaft (not an innuendo) therefore spends the first half of the movie rounding up any stray heroes from previous films creating the comic-book equivalent of Super Smash Bros Melee. Basically, this is all your favourite characters in one place kicking the living fuck out of each other, but with the added bonus of a typically witty Whedon-esque script.

Helping Fury to recruit his gang is Scarlett Johansson who, for some reason, bothers travelling the world to find her target. All she'd have to do is text those leaked pictures of her arse to Bruce Banner with an address and I can guarantee it, him and his big green dick would be there in seconds. Admittedly, if he's aroused, the phrase 'Hulk smash!' would seem somewhat more intimidating, but fuck it- the world's in danger- she should take one for the team.

It's nice to be outside, sometimes.

By the time the group has formed, Loki Withnail is chilling out in a fish tank and they're all bickering like a super-gang of comic-book fannies. Whedon is on record for saying that he wanted them to behave like a dysfunctional family, however the banter is a little more like The Simpsons than the Fritzl's- I don't know what fuel is used to power the invisible plane’s furnace but I'm going to assume it's probably not German babies... apart from anything, Chinese ones are much less complicated to get hold of.

... Wind your neck in, Liz.

Like an office day-out, this film is all about the heroes learning to work together as a team but that's not to say they don't have an army to fight against, too. Like a (probably) gay passenger of the Titanic, Loki Withnail's basic plan is to become king of the world which is fine by me. If we have to have a monarch, I'd rather one that had fought for the position rather than just having been born into it. By just asking, we could have put him in a jousting tournament with the Queen. As is well documented, old Lizzie can still snap a pheasant’s neck so I'm sure she could deal with a mischievous demi-God. If Princess Diana's car crash proved anything it's that she's still shit-hot with a sniper rifle and blatantly doesn't give a fuck. 

With this in mind, the Asgardian coward wisely decided against it and so instead gathered himself a bitch-army of Aliens from the rocky planet of Uber-Bland.

The second half of this film is therefore balls-to-the-wall action. Thor hammers, Hulk smashes and Black Widow lunges vagina first like a sexy, neck snapping, face hugger. The action here is exactly the opposite of Transformers 3, with The Avengers being more character driven than cog-smashingly shite. With Michael Bay's CGI turd-fest, it's hard to care about anything that's going on because all of the characters are just like him... under-developed, clichéd and soulless.

With The Avengers however, each action ‘beat’ shows the team and how they have begun to mesh. The fighting develops their personalities and progresses the story justifying every second of screen time. There's a tracking shot near the end that zooms from hero to hero, showing each performing their individual role. Not only is it exhilaratingly brilliant, it's also basically the moment that the last few years have been building towards. This is quality, as opposed to just being an overpriced video-game cut scene from the mind of a talentless, rent-o-cunt who just wants to ‘cluster fuck’ himself onto the Sunday Times’ Richest Prick list.

Case in point...

The main reason for this costumed quality is of course that Whedon is simply not a hack director. Although his success on the big screen has been limited, this latest work contains traits that are recognisably his. For a start, the movie is truly an ensemble piece with no one character taking the lead. Obviously with Tony Stark bleeding charisma from his ex-junkie veins, there was a risk that this could unintentionally slip into becoming Iron Man and His Shadow of Forgettable Bitches. However Whedon avoids this by simply allowing the other characters to be just as interesting. Nick Fury is inevitably cooler than a polar bear’s bell-end and Jeremy Renner is as watchable here as when playing “fuck my life” with a huge cunt of a bomb in The Hurt Locker.

You see my point...

In fact, for me the new characters were the most interesting people simply because I wanted to get to know them as well as I do the others. Many people have been saying that Hulk steals the show and although for me that wasn't quite the case, he was still brilliant. Third time ‘round and they've finally got the menstrual snot-beast spot on with the simple key being to hire Mark Ruffalo. By having him physically portray and facially resemble the monster, there is a connection there that has in the past been noticeably missing. In previous cases, it was as though Chopper would fuck off for a twenty-minute cup of tea whilst some mouldy man-frog smashed shit up. Now finally we believe that Bruce Banner can steroid himself green and go on a stomping fuck-off rampage.

You can't see it but his mini-Mal is out.

Another characteristic of Mr. Whedon is to imply the threat of the film’s villain by killing someone off. Serenity 2 doesn't exist not because of financial issues, but because there's only about two fucking characters left. If he were to make it, the storyline would just be Captain Mal wanking and crying because all of his friends are dead and he's got nothing better to do. Whedon applies the same trick here too by offing an important but disposable character. I won't ruin who it is, but if you don't look like an A-list actor, chances are you’re already on borrowed time. Although the death isn't quite as emotional as when Jean Gray popped Professor X like a fucking party balloon, it is still quite a bit of a moment.

The Star-Spangled Man

The Avengers isn't a perfect film but considering the difficulties of what was required, it is the best we could have hoped for. Thor's appearance is a little sudden with the explanation smacking a little of Asgardian bullshit. I can't remember the muttered reasoning for his appearance but it may as well be that, “one jizzed oneself here by sliding down through the shiny realm of Sphincterlube”. Captain America too has had a slight suit change- in his own film, the costume served the purpose of boosting morale and acting as a kind of armour. Here however it looks a little more like he's broken into a clothes shop and stolen a range of Marvel sponsored Captain America pyjamas. I'm pretty sure it has a buttoned hatch round the back for him to do his military-approved midnight crap.

Whilst we're nitpicking, Loki Withnail's Alien army was probably slightly too devoid of any individual personality. They weren't quite cardboard cut-outs but nor did they reach the memorability of Emperor Pope-a-tines witless Stormtroopers from the good half of Star Wars.

Enough of this silliness.

I also thought the way in which people who have been possessed regain their self-awareness was a little clichéd. Although the revelation came at the end of a fight, it was only slightly more cinematic than having a glass of water chucked in their face. In some defence though, Whedon does avoid most clichés by building them up and then stifling them with his typically smart-arse put downs. Kind of like the classic Serenity quote, “We have a little problem with our entry sequence, so we may experience some slight turbulence and then – explode”. His dialogue is typical of the genre but with a knowing and humorous twist.

In the end though, Whedon has managed to make a film that lives up to the hype. It's not retarded like the supposedly light Fantastic Four but nor is it as serious as the gritty Dark Knight. It's fun without being shit and serious without being depressing. I'm sure people who come straight to this film might be a little confused by some things. A gamma ray might sound like something that killed Steve Irwin and the Iron Man could be mistakenly thought to be Dennis Thatcher. However, for the rest of us with an ounce of geek in our DNA, this is the perfect blockbuster. It has thankfully been worth the wait and Whedon has proven that he really is the Pop-Culture God we all thought him to be. Also fuck yourselves, marketing people, it's The Avengers, not Avengers, Assemble! Anyone who goes to this film expecting to see Sean Connery and Uma Thurman is walking proof that Darwin was wrong.

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