Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix

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So in this, film Harry is confused and disturbed by the fact that he's found himself dreaming of an older man. Sure it might be the man that killed his Mum, Dad, and at least one fellow student, but I'd still make fun of him for it if I was his friend. Hey, I have a joke that I thought up whilst watching this film. It goes...

Q- Voldemort has no nose. How does he smell?

A- Of the blood of Harry's parents!

Anyway, because of comments like that, Harry spends most of this movie being pretty pissed off. At one point he even worries if his anger is proof that he has a lot more in common with Voldemort than he'd like to admit to. I wouldn't worry about it mate.. being constantly angry isn't proof of a magical connection to your parents' killer. The other day I nearly smashed the office up just because I was the only person in work not to get offered a fucking biscuit. To add to this however, he's probably also pretty pissed off that nobody believes him about Voldemort's return which seems fair enough on his part. The last film ended with him having won what was essentially his school's sports day when he returned holding the corpse of a fellow competitor. I guess the idiots watching just assumed that was what you won in that competition. In which case, fuck them.. I'd take my prized Diggory home and mount him in the bathroom where I keep my other fucking trophies.

In order to prevent him from screaming about the rise of a mad dictator, the Ministry Of Magic have sent some mad bitch in to keep an eye on his school. At one point Harry spots her and says to Ron “I know her, she works for Fudge”. No idea what that means so I'm presuming it's euphemism about anal. Which, to be fair, was a rare moment of crudity considering the rest of the film, and the fact that the entire cast are school students. They decide to form a secret club in which they'll learn how to defend themselves and they name it Dumbledore's Army. Seriously? Kids love swearing! If this was real they'd have called it the Dick Kickers or the Fuck You's or something like that. And don't even get me started on the Room Of Requirement. Apparently it's a secret room that appears to anybody that's in need of it and will provide everything that they need to do whatever it is that they need it for. In this case it's a secret classroom for them to practice their defensive spells in- but come on!? A secret room that gives you whatever you need in a boarding school full of teenagers? Realistically, that place would have walls like an Amsterdam titty booth.

So was it shit or not then?

I have to say that I completely admire this film for the way in which it looked at the size of the book that it's based on and thought 'fuck that!' The problem with most adaptations of Young Adult books is that they stick too closely to the source material which doesn't always translate into a great film. Just look at Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets, for example. At the start of the movie Harry steps into the magical fire place, utters the name of the wrong location, gets lost, instantly found, and then everything moves on. It's a scene that goes literally nowhere, and what do we learn from it? That Harry doesn't like being grabbed by the still-moving hand of a rotten corpse? What an insight that was! Here however, the filmmakers looked at the novel and decided to rip out every single fucking page that didn't either mention Harry or something specific to his journey. As far as I'm concerned, it's a complete disregard for how some pissy purists might react that makes for a great script. Sure there's a couple of cliched lines in there, such as the moment when Hagrid says “There's a storm coming” for the millionth time in cinema history. However, I always tend to get through that line by pretending their referring to Halle Berry.

It was at this point in the franchise too that the producers stopped slutting about with directors and finally found the one they wanted to settle down with. David Yates had a history of directing gritty, political TV thrillers, and it's this more adult tone and intelligence that really shines through. The scenes in which the Nurse Ratched-like Professor Umbridge tortures the children are genuinely pretty intense, and with the exception of every time I see my step-mum, I've never wanted to hit a woman more than her. Plus I suppose the way in which Harry feels so alone is obviously a relatable aspect for any teenagers watching. Sure, I've never been psychically attacked by Ralf Fiennes, but I'm sure we've all felt a little abandoned and lonely in our life haven't we? Or am I on my fucking own with that one, as well as everything fucking else!

If I have one criticism then I'd say it's in regards to the moment in which Sirius Black kicks the bucket. Because honestly.. what the fuck was going on in that scene? One minute everything is going great and the next second every-body's sad because Gary Oldman flopped through an arch and got beamed up by fucking Scotty. Who cares? Particularly when he's barely made an impact in the franchise anyway. We hadn't heard of him until the third film in which we spent the bulk of it assuming he was the bad guy, he pops up as a shit looking fire in the fourth film, and then he had about twelve seconds of screen time in this one. I can see Harry is upset when Black floats away but I'm never quite sure why I should care as an audience member. From there, Harry goes legging after the woman that apparently killed him and tries to perform a forbidden curse on her. Sadly it fails and she's left laughing on the floor knowing that he's not strong enough to perform any spell that can kill her. But just because you have your wand doesn't mean you have to always use magic does it? If you're that bothered then just stamp on her throat you specky twonk! Thanks for reading, motherfuckers, and see you next time.