18 June 2012

The Rape of the Natural World


I don't know if it's like this everywhere, but at our nearest zoo they advertise the time that the Sea-lions are going to get fed. Everybody visiting makes an effort to get there for it as the animals put on a characteristically smug display of jumping out the water to catch the fish that a keeper is throwing for them. In comparison to the other animals, these retarded mermaids really are attention seeking little bastards.

Based on its popularity, the zoo decided to publicise this event for some of the other animals too. At 1:00pm it was time to feed the Cheetahs and so again everybody turned up with their children to watch. However rather than fish, the zoo keeper this time arrived with a wheelbarrow full of chopped up chunks of flesh, very obviously once belonging to rabbits. Unfortunately the cute little bunnies had been cut in half, leaving both their entrails dangling out and the sad, sorrowful eyes still in their heads.

One at a time a rabbit was launched decapitated, cute head first into the cage. The blood splattered everywhere and the Cheetahs leapt into action, ripping the popular family pet into even more shredded pieces. Children began to scream and cry as Flopsy and Cottonball had their necks snapped and ears audibly ripped off. Parents began to panic knowing they'd just scarred their offspring with images of this Easter Bunny holocaust. The zoo itself received several complaints and they cowardly never promoted it again. Take it from me though- it was amazing!

Based on this incident, the thing that I can't help but wonder is: what kind of shitty fucking businessman could ever think that Jurassic Park would succeed? If the public can't cope with one minor buck-toothed genocide, then what chance have they got of enjoying Billy the goat having his arse torn open by a fucking great horny T-rex?

However I suppose these were the least of the concept’s problems, as were well documented in the 1993 film of the same name. The movie begins by introducing us to the main characters who are Sam Neil, Laura Dern, Richard Attenborough and Brundlefly. As it turns out, Attenborough has managed to clone some dinosaurs using a method closer to magic than science and everyone is convinced that it makes sense after some words of endorsement from the ‘experts’. He explains the method to Dern and Neil as they dig up some of those fossils, obviously left by God to test us... For those who haven't heard that unpopular theory of theists, the basic conclusion is that The Almighty is a tricksy motherfucker with too much free time. Kind of like an omnipotent Johnny Knoxville.

Having brought the dinosaurs back from the dead, Attenborough decides that the most logical thing he can do is stick these monolithic miracles in a fucking zoo. It's a nice idea but- balls to it, if we're sticking anachronistic tourist attractions behind bars then we should go the whole hog and throw the Queen of England in there too. She might have German in her blood but I doubt she's quite as lethal as a raptor. She looks like she's got a strong bite, but I'll be damned if she can run as fast.

So the gang arrive at the island and are given a brief tour of the attractions before it all goes massively tits up. It seems that the worst thing you can do when running a park is hire a greedy, untrustworthy fat bastard to be in charge of the security systems and then rely on his lardy arse to stick around. In the case of Jurassic Park, a treacherous Porky-pissing-Pig decides to steal some embryos by turning off all of the electric fences and allowing the dinosaurs to escape, running wild. Within minutes a lawyer is dead, Sam Neil is escorting two children through the Cretaceous safari and Brundlefly has burrowed his way to safety under the remains of a destroyed toilet block.

For someone who saw this when it originally came out, Jurassic Park will forever hold a place in my heart. As a child, I was obsessed with dinosaurs and so this quickly became my favourite film. If I was fascinated by the terrible lizards when they were dead- seeing them eat the living fuck out of people was enough to blow my 7 year old brain. Although even as a puny young one, I knew there were several problems with the gnarly beasties depicted on screen.

According to current research which was available during the writing stages of the film, Dilophosaurus probably couldn't spit venom, Velociraptor was no-where near that tall and T-Rex's vision wasn't based on movement. Even if old Granny-Rex was engineered to have the cataracts of a blinded old dodderer, the odds are it'd be able to smell its prey when it gets up close.

It's not just the facts regarding the individual species that are slightly dubious either. For a start, I'm not sure why they're correcting the genetic gaps of the dinosaurs with frog DNA. We've already established that the closest living relative is a bird, so why not use some of that instead? Unless you wanted to make a giant army of killer fucking Kermits, I'd stay clear of anything amphibian related.

Plus it's said that they got the dino-DNA from a mosquito, however those bloodsucking bastards don't just feed off the one creature. Not only would you need to extract the bug’s prehistoric contents but you'd then need to separate everything inside of it to the individual creatures it had drank from. Although, even then the odds of them getting anything at all are pretty slim seems as they're trying to collect the samples from a male mosquito. As any anorak of insects will tell you it's only the female that can drink any blood at all... Silly scientists! I'm assuming most of them lied on their CVs to get the job- at least one of them looks like the work experience boy taking the piss.

This film is technically listed as science-fiction, however there's so little actual science present that I'm currently putting together a law suit in relation to the trades description act. There's about as much science here as there is up a Vietnamese child's sleeve when he's doing some crafty fucking card trick. Though, does anyone really give a solid shit? Even if this is all bollocks, you'd have to be some pedantic prick not to enjoy Jurassic Park simply because it makes practically no biological (and sometimes physical) sense. Even if the makers had tried to claim the creatures had been beamed into their paddocks from fucking Mars I'd have gone with it.

It's often said that Spielberg's films are like a roller-coaster, although none more so than this considering that's exactly what it is. As the ride begins we're taken from one classic scene to the next with each being more thrilling than the last. There's the raptors being fed a cow in a gimp suit, Samuel L. Jackson lending a hand and the ninja T-Rex creeping into the Museum lobby. As set pieces go, Spielberg builds them like a genius showing us the vegi-saurus to start with before having people running for their life from the Stabby-cunt-osaurus. If the first half of the movie is building the tension then the second half is just Jaws with legs and a big pair of bollocks.

Sure the acting isn't the best but Brundlefly is always good fun and it's nice to see Laura Dern in something that doesn't resemble a Lynchian fucking nightmare. The kids are annoying too but as much as gay little Tim tries, he can never outdo his irritating older sister. Despite having no personality it's obvious that by now hacker ‘Lex’ will be a nappy wearing lesbian who refuses to leave her computer until she's levelled up her class 9 Wizard. I hoped a raptor had bit her hands off -it'd probably be the best thing for her, considering.

It's obvious too that the script is hardly Casablanca. But what Casablanca has in quality dialogue, it lacks in any dinosaur related deaths. As much as I like the witty conversations of Rick Blaine, I'd much rather see a T-rex throw a Raptor through a window. Plus you can't accuse the lines here of being unmemorable. “Hold on to your butts”, “Clever Girl” and “Ah, ah, ah you didn't say the magic word” are like religious text in the land of the blockbuster.

As Spielberg movies go, this probably isn't his best. E.T has more heart, Indiana Jones has a better hero and Jaws has ultimately left me with more psychological damage. Thanks to that ocean dwelling prick I can never go back into the sea however I'm strangely not so worried about theme parks. I went to Alton Towers recently and I was more afraid of being mugged by dwarves than I was being eaten by a dinosaur. Just because their stubby little fingers can't reach your pockets doesn't mean they won't still try.

By returning to the summer blockbuster, Spielberg has created here possibly the greatest monster movie ever. Some people might argue that the original King Kong or Godzilla are better, but last time I checked neither of those had a lawyer being eaten mid-shit by a T-Rex. Two depressing decades later and the film’s effects have stood the test of time and seeing a fat man slip down a waterfall is still as exhilarating as ever. This movie is still one of my favourites and if it proves anything, it's that like communism, a theme park full of man eaters is only a good idea in theory. It's a film that justifies its own existence for the simple stupidity of it's main concept and then being so brilliant despite itself. 

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