17 November 2016

Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire

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Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire- What the fuck is it about? (Lots of spoilers)

The film begins with an attack at a sports event. Only Harry sees the attacker and yet when pressed for details responds with “I don't know who it was. I didn't see his face!” I wouldn't worry about it mate. If the last three fucking films have been anything to go by it'll probably be your new Defence Against The Dark Arts teacher. I honestly don't know how that school gets away with its hiring policy for that position. We're four films into this franchise and so far there's been a radicalised child killer, a pathological liar, a man with a violent split-personality, and now an imposter. In the real world, and despite being innocent, Filch's appearance alone would spur the papers to out him as a nonce and incite a mob to burn his fucking shed down.

In this movie, Hogwarts is host to an event known as the Tri-Wizard tournament, which is like a really selective sports day in which you gamble your life for a shiny gold cup. Definitely worth it. Despite not entering the game, Harry finds himself nominated which causes a rift between him and his best friend. Ron is pissed off that Harry entered without telling him and seems to get more annoyed every time Harry denies having done it himself. Ron's very first year of school involved helping his best-mate fight some prick with the face of a half-dead psychopath on the back of his fucking head, and yet the idea that Harry might now be being set-up? Fuck that shit!

Anyway, the competition ends when Harry touches the trophy and gets zapped into a trap in which franchise uber-villain Voldemort is resurrected. Turns out that the new teacher was influencing Harry's performance throughout the entire tournament in order for this to happen which was incredibly clever of him. He had to know what Harry and the three other competitors would do with each step of the journey whilst also factoring in the sheer randomness of the competitions themselves. Seems like there's a lot of elements left to chance there. Pretty sure he could have just enchanted a coffee mug to do what that trophy did and then instead of having to plan the shit out of the next few months he could have simply asked Harry, “Fancy a cuppa?!”. But fuck it- what do I know?!

So was it shit or not then? (Still Spoilers)

Perhaps a more apt name for this movie would have been Harry Potter And The Curse Of The Shitty Hairdo because both he and Ron look fucking ridiculous in this one. In case you don't remember it, this is the film in which they've made them both look like a couple of middle-aged house wives at an after-wedding disco in the early 1990's. Although ignoring both that and a couple of plot holes that were so big that a dragons cock wouldn't touch the sides, I suppose I really don't have much else to slag this film off about. In fact, for me, it just seemed to go from great scene to great scene, so I figured we could have a quick look at some of them now.

Scene 1- Gambon's madness.
I know that in the book Dumbledore is described as being warm and friendly, but fuck me- Gambon's performance here is just so much funnier than that. This is his second time playing the role and he's still not quiet settled on an accent yet, which makes for quite a hardcore drinking game. But the highlight has got to be the moment after Harry's name comes out of the Goblet and Dumbledore isn't too pleased. In fact Dumbledore, the kindly father figure, fucking charges at Harry like an alcoholic rushing to the bar just as he spots the last orders bell is about to ring. Then he grabs Harry, pushes him against the wall, and screams into his face as though we're watching a deleted 'fancy dress party' scene from Nil By fucking Mouth. Oh, and if that wasn't all funny enough as it is, watch closely when he's running and you'll notice that he has to grab his dress to save tripping over it. I'm not sure what this scene's DVD chapter name would be for you to find it but I know that it won't labelled as 'Dumbledores Fucking Dignity'.

Scene 2- Diggory's Offer
The Harry Potter franchise has never been shy about dealing with issues of sexuality. Who can forget that time that Rowling bravely outed Dumbledore just after she'd sold millions of books and made so much money that she could probably afford to kick-start a homophobe holocaust if she'd wanted to? Well if you ask me, The Chamber Of Secrets is a giant metaphor for Harry's sexual awakening and the confusion he feels as he tries to decide his place on the Kinsey scale. Well, in this film we find out that he's definitely not put himself firmly in the straight camp as one of his rivals, Cedric Diggory, comes on to him and his response is to take him up on his offer. Here's the exchange...

Spotting Harry's sexy phallic-like scar, Cedric can't resist the boy's charms any longer and so pulls him aside.

I realize I never really thanked you properly for tipping me off about those dragons.

Cedric looks down at Harry and attempts his most powerful 'fuck-me eyes'.

Forget about it. I'm sure you would've done the same for me.

Cedric attempts to make his flirting more obvious by gaining an erection.

Exactly. You know the Prefects' bathroom on the fifth floor? It's not a bad place for a bath. Just take your egg and... mull things over in the hot water.

Harry realises what's going on. He usually liked to take a rubber duck to the bath with him but perhaps that might not be the most appropriate of all his many rubber toys on this occasion. 

From here, we then cut to Harry in the bath and I'm not even going to contemplate what 'take your egg and... mull things over' means. I suppose it might be a reference to the big golden egg that Harry has to figure out for a clue to his next trial.. but where's the fun in that?! It's clearly a reference to wanking somehow. It's one gay character coming onto another whose sexuality is still forming and I for one applaud its bravery!

Scene 3- The Yule Ball
There's no denying that the Harry Potter franchise has scenes that add fuck-all to the plot despite dragging the running times out to the point that if you don't pause the movie for a piss then you're going to fucking die. There's also no denying that the Yule Ball is one of those scenes. You could chop the entire sub-plot out and not only would the overall story remain the same but we'd all gain about half an hour of free time. Or you could use that extra half hour in the movie to really expand on the blossoming Diggory/Potter love affair that I just mentioned. However I really do like this scene because, although we don't learn anything about the main plot, we do learn quite a bit about the characters and how shit they are.. which is something that I find to be painfully relatable.

During the Yule Ball we see how crap at dancing Harry is which is something I can empathise with, having only mastered the one move that I like to call 'shaking about like a zombie with a cattle-prod up its fucking arse'. I avoided most school events like this one, however on the rare occasion that I was forced to go, like Harry and Ron, I'd usually end them by sitting with my best-mate and bitching about everything in an attempt to distance myself from it. For me, this is the moment in the movie in which the franchise stops being about characters going through a plot and begins to feel more like we're seeing people going through their shit. Considering I'm writing a blog about Harry fucking Potter and have essentially just turned a scene in this movie into gay fanfiction, it also might not surprise you to know that I'm not great when it comes to pulling. Neither, as it happens, are Harry or Ron, who are able to read girls about as well as a blind monkey can read 'The Big Book Of Shit That Makes No Sense'. Throw a bit of 90's icon Jarvis Cocker onto the soundtrack and, congratulations- this film has just tapped into the nostalgic part of my brain labeled repressed awkward memories!

Scene 4- The Graveyard
Obviously the first few films tried to be a little scary with their giant snake monsters and whatnot, but I mean, this one is actually creepy. We see Harry get sliced with a fuck-off knife, one of Voldemort's followers mutilate themselves, and that's before the terrifying main bastard has even turned up. Voldemort returns and we essentially get a ten minute sequence in which a deformed and psychotic adult tortures a helpless child with the intent of eventually killing him. Ralf Fiennes doesn't calm his 'I'm the best on-screen Nazi' thing down either just because children might be watching. Fuck them, I guess!? Plus he looks really, really nightmarish in terms of his character design. He's got horrible sunken eyes, he's missing his nose, and worst of all he's got a big ol' bald head, like a single, perfect arse-cheek with a face on it. Oh, and on top of that, the character of Cedric Diggory has just been murdered. So there's the corpse of a school boy lying in the background throughout the entire scene. You know.. just in case things weren't fucked up enough?!

With Mike Newell, this was the first time that a Harry Potter film had been directed by an actual Brit with his most notable film previously having been Four Weddings And A Funeral. In fact, that movie concludes with Andie Macdowell running to Hugh Grant and giving the worst delivery of one of the worst lines ever as when stood in the pouring rain she asks “Is it still raining? I hadn't noticed”. Of course it's raining you stupid bitch- you're in England! Well, as downbeat endings go, he's managed to top that with Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire and all it took was one traumatised child, one dead child, and the villain getting away to do it all again... and that's why I loved this movie. Thanks for reading, motherfuckers, and see you next time.

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