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So
this film begins with the Harry Potter trio breaking into a bank,
because the movie came out during the recession and so fuck the
system!! They're helped into the building by one of its employees
who then proceeds to betray them and leave them trapped. Who'd have
thought that a banker couldn't be trusted?! Anyway, they escape the
bank with a horcrux and then destroy it. They then quickly find and
destroy a shit tonne more horcuxes in half the time that it took them
to fuck up that single one in the previous film. As much as I quite
enjoyed The Deathly Hallows Part 1, I
think this is proof that it had been affected by the curse known as
Cyniculous Cash-In-ious.
From
here, Harry and his friends break into Hogwarts to defend it from
Voldemort, which makes them the only students ever in the history of
education to be in school when they didn't have to be. This all leads
to a huge battle between the forces of good and evil, which mostly
consists of the Dark Lord's army and the students of one school. I'm
not sure where every other wizard in the world is, because, considering
how big of a deal this all is, you'd think they might like to pull
their fucking fingers out. It's kind of like if the Nazi's invasion
of Poland had been stopped by a few classes from Eton whilst the rest
of planet Earth sat back having considered this to be an internal
matter for that school. Anyway, the fight begins and we see a huge
battle between wizards, werewolf-things, and stone warrior-things. Oh,
and we get our first glimpse of what I assume to be a fully grown
giant which are these huge hideous monsters which really beg the
obvious question of.. what the hell kind of fucking mental pervert
was the half-giant Hagrid's Human father?
So
was it shit or not then? (Spoilers)
So on the bright-side, this film really is just set-piece after
set-piece and they're all incredibly exciting. Apparently Julia
Walters' favourite line in the entire franchise is when she utters the
sentence “Not my daughter you bitch” before killing Helena
Bonham Carter. I was going to make a joke about how this scene could
have been called Educating Skeeter until I remembered that Bonham
Carter was actually playing a character called Bellatrix Lestrange
and my joke would have made no sense. Fucking bitch. I think my
favourite moment however was when Harry is fighting and he
passionately shouts, “Come on Tom- let's finish this as we started
it.. together!!” He then grabs Voldemort's head with his hands and
for one split second I genuinely thought they were going to kiss. Can
you just imagine how amazing that would have been? "Harry is one of
Voldemort's Horcuxes? Oh wow, I'm so shocked. Harry and Voldemort
start necking each other mid-battle? Ha! What the fuck?!"
Anyway, so that never happened sadly, however there was a load of
bullshit just beforehand in which Harry dies and goes to
train-heaven that I really hated. It looked like it was
filmed on the set of a corporate health and safety video and the
dialogue was riddlesome to the point of parody. “Am I dead”,
asks Harry? “Well”, Dumbledore may as well have responded, “My
first is in jelly but never canoe, my second in hand-cream right next
to the loo”. Just please answer the fucking question you dead old
bastard! He does however give him one good piece of advice though
that my misanthropic self could relate to, which was “Don't pity
the dead. Pity the living”. These are genuinely words I live by,
with the one alteration being that I'd change the second use of the
word “pity” to “hate”.
It doesn't help either that this terrible scene comes right after
Snape's death, which is one of the most emotional gut-punches in the
entire franchise. Sure it was sad when Dobby got a knife to the heart..
But oh well. At least he looked like a deformed pervert. However this
was like watching an eighteen hour movie with a twist at the end in
which the creepy bad guy is actually one of the most heroic and noble
figures in the entire franchise. If anybody happened to spot me when
I watched this scene last night then I'd just like to clarify that a
fly had gotten into one of my eyes and as I went to rub it, the fly
got out and went into the other. For some reason this also made my
hyperventilate a little. Either way, I wasn't fucking crying. And
speaking of which, it was lucky that at the moment of Snape's death
Harry happened to be there to catch his tears in a jar in order to
re-watch all of his memories and learn his secrets. It's just such a
shame that John McClane didn't think to do that to Rickman in Die
Hard as it would have definitely saved about an hour of pissing about in Die Hard 3.
Oh, and for the record, I really do love the main three characters in
this franchise. However, the moment at the end in which Harry snaps
the most powerful wand of all time.. Seriously? What the fuck?! I'm
pretty sure that I screamed the same thing at him that I did at the
old lady as she threw the jewel into the ocean at the end of Titanic.
What the fuck are you doing you stupid little bitch!! Although as
odd as that was, it wasn't quite as odd as the actual ending in which
the entire cast have been badly aged to look nineteen years older.
They looked about as believable as adults as Mickey Rourke does a
human. I mean, what technology did they use to achieve this look? In
Rupert Grint's case it seems that all they did to make him look a
little rougher was to rub him down with a tea-bag and then give him
brief glimpse at how successful his next few non-Potter films would
be. Not to slag it off of course, because in a way this ending is
perfect and adds an excellent element of symmetry to the franchise.
Overall, the series is an actual phenomenon that I remain a huge fan
of. But it started with Harry on Platform nine and three quarters
with us thinking.. “is this shit?”... it therefore seems only
fitting that the last scene should end the same way. Thanks for
reading, motherfuckers, and see you next time.
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