20 November 2016

Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows: Part Two

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Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows Part 2- What the fuck is it about? (Spoilers)

So this film begins with the Harry Potter trio breaking into a bank, because the movie came out during the recession and so fuck the system!! They're helped into the building by one of its employees who then proceeds to betray them and leave them trapped. Who'd have thought that a banker couldn't be trusted?! Anyway, they escape the bank with a horcrux and then destroy it. They then quickly find and destroy a shit tonne more horcuxes in half the time that it took them to fuck up that single one in the previous film. As much as I quite enjoyed The Deathly Hallows Part 1, I think this is proof that it had been affected by the curse known as Cyniculous Cash-In-ious.


From here, Harry and his friends break into Hogwarts to defend it from Voldemort, which makes them the only students ever in the history of education to be in school when they didn't have to be. This all leads to a huge battle between the forces of good and evil, which mostly consists of the Dark Lord's army and the students of one school. I'm not sure where every other wizard in the world is, because, considering how big of a deal this all is, you'd think they might like to pull their fucking fingers out. It's kind of like if the Nazi's invasion of Poland had been stopped by a few classes from Eton whilst the rest of planet Earth sat back having considered this to be an internal matter for that school. Anyway, the fight begins and we see a huge battle between wizards, werewolf-things, and stone warrior-things. Oh, and we get our first glimpse of what I assume to be a fully grown giant which are these huge hideous monsters which really beg the obvious question of.. what the hell kind of fucking mental pervert was the half-giant Hagrid's Human father?

So was it shit or not then? (Spoilers)

So on the bright-side, this film really is just set-piece after set-piece and they're all incredibly exciting. Apparently Julia Walters' favourite line in the entire franchise is when she utters the sentence “Not my daughter you bitch” before killing Helena Bonham Carter. I was going to make a joke about how this scene could have been called Educating Skeeter until I remembered that Bonham Carter was actually playing a character called Bellatrix Lestrange and my joke would have made no sense. Fucking bitch. I think my favourite moment however was when Harry is fighting and he passionately shouts, “Come on Tom- let's finish this as we started it.. together!!” He then grabs Voldemort's head with his hands and for one split second I genuinely thought they were going to kiss. Can you just imagine how amazing that would have been? "Harry is one of Voldemort's Horcuxes? Oh wow, I'm so shocked. Harry and Voldemort start necking each other mid-battle? Ha! What the fuck?!"

Anyway, so that never happened sadly, however there was a load of bullshit just beforehand in which Harry dies and goes to train-heaven that I really hated. It looked like it was filmed on the set of a corporate health and safety video and the dialogue was riddlesome to the point of parody. “Am I dead”, asks Harry? “Well”, Dumbledore may as well have responded, “My first is in jelly but never canoe, my second in hand-cream right next to the loo”. Just please answer the fucking question you dead old bastard! He does however give him one good piece of advice though that my misanthropic self could relate to, which was “Don't pity the dead. Pity the living”. These are genuinely words I live by, with the one alteration being that I'd change the second use of the word “pity” to “hate”.

It doesn't help either that this terrible scene comes right after Snape's death, which is one of the most emotional gut-punches in the entire franchise. Sure it was sad when Dobby got a knife to the heart.. But oh well. At least he looked like a deformed pervert. However this was like watching an eighteen hour movie with a twist at the end in which the creepy bad guy is actually one of the most heroic and noble figures in the entire franchise. If anybody happened to spot me when I watched this scene last night then I'd just like to clarify that a fly had gotten into one of my eyes and as I went to rub it, the fly got out and went into the other. For some reason this also made my hyperventilate a little. Either way, I wasn't fucking crying. And speaking of which, it was lucky that at the moment of Snape's death Harry happened to be there to catch his tears in a jar in order to re-watch all of his memories and learn his secrets. It's just such a shame that John McClane didn't think to do that to Rickman in Die Hard as it would have definitely saved about an hour of pissing about in Die Hard 3.

Oh, and for the record, I really do love the main three characters in this franchise. However, the moment at the end in which Harry snaps the most powerful wand of all time.. Seriously? What the fuck?! I'm pretty sure that I screamed the same thing at him that I did at the old lady as she threw the jewel into the ocean at the end of Titanic. What the fuck are you doing you stupid little bitch!! Although as odd as that was, it wasn't quite as odd as the actual ending in which the entire cast have been badly aged to look nineteen years older. They looked about as believable as adults as Mickey Rourke does a human. I mean, what technology did they use to achieve this look? In Rupert Grint's case it seems that all they did to make him look a little rougher was to rub him down with a tea-bag and then give him brief glimpse at how successful his next few non-Potter films would be. Not to slag it off of course, because in a way this ending is perfect and adds an excellent element of symmetry to the franchise. Overall, the series is an actual phenomenon that I remain a huge fan of. But it started with Harry on Platform nine and three quarters with us thinking.. “is this shit?”... it therefore seems only fitting that the last scene should end the same way. Thanks for reading, motherfuckers, and see you next time.