7 September 2020

A Film Without A Craftsman

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It is April 2017 and an X-Men spin-off that focuses on a cast of new characters coming to terms with their new powers in a creepy asylum enters pre-production. It is called The New Mutants. I am miles away in England and am unaware that this is taking place. I am probably masturbating. It is September 2020 and I am walking towards the cinema having finally booked my ticket to see The New Mutants. The reviews I'd read the day earlier prepared me for the worst. I continued masturbating. It is September 2017 and principal photography has concluded on the film. Director Josh Boone claimed to feel “a bit neutered” during the process having been prevented from making the horror movie that he'd intended. As I sit down to watch his film tonight I notice a man sat a few seats along from me. He smells like a toilet. As the New Mutants title card appears on the screen, this man's smell will not be the last thing that reminds me of shit tonight. “I wish this man had been “neutered” like the film was” I think to myself, “he seems to be looking at me like I'm a discount sex doll and, despite my lack of luck with the ladies, am still yet to turn - as I call it... prison gay”. It is January 2018 and the film's release is delayed until February 2019 in order to allow time for reshoots that are intended to make the film feel more frightening. As the film begins to play in front of me I do feel fear, although not because of what I can see on screen but because the man that smells of shit has decided to slowly move seats to get closer to me. I regret leaving the house tonight.

It is twenty-minutes before I am due at the cinema and I wonder whether or not I should just skip the film and have a night in to tug one out. I make the wrong decision. It is March 2018 and The New Mutants is delayed yet again to avoid a clash with X-Men: Dark Phoenix. I am reminded that I actually saw Dark Phoenix instead of staying in for a wank and yet reading about that delay now is the first time I have thought about the film since its credits. I do however still think about the missed opportunity for a wank. It is September 2018 and the reshoots for The New Mutants fail to happen. Perhaps the cast and crew decided to stay home for a wank instead themselves. It is September 2020 and as I write at my computer I decide that I have probably mentioned wanking a bit too much at this point. I will likely ignore this thought and mention it a few more times throughout. A few hours earlier as I watch the film, the third act is about to start and a giant bear appears on the screen. I wonder about what the fuck is going on and why the hell I am meant to care? The man that smells of shit decides to move a few seats closer to me. I think that I am going to fucking vomit. It is March 2019 and Mickey Mouse decides to take his big swinging dick and aim it at 20th Century Fox. Disney makes public its plans to buy the company to tighten its monopoly on all forms of our entertainment and presumably keep their founder's head floating in ice. It is September 2020 and as I write a blog on The New Mutants I wonder why I thought it would be a good idea to write it in the style of Watchmen's Doctor Manhattan. Like almost every decision that has gone into the creation of The New Mutants, it feels badly considered and fucking pointless. I think about doing a shit into the jar containing Uncle Walt's frozen head. It makes me smile. It's not that funny but I decide to write it down regardless.

It is April 2019 and Disney is rumoured to be unhappy with the cut of The New Mutants that they have acquired. It is September 2020 and I can see what they mean. It is one year before the film's release and Disney delays the film until April 2020. At which point they presumably begin heavy research into what happens when you roll a turd in glitter. The second act of the movie begins to play out in front of me and I hope to fuck that it will get better. “If a giant bear turns up at the end of this then I'm going to regret leaving the house”, I think to myself. I slyly eye up the man who smells of shit suspiciously. He looks over to me at the exact same moment and I fucking die of discomfort. It is late 2019 and somebody in China decides to fuck a bat. Or maybe they eat a bat? Or maybe they fuck and eat a bat? Either way, nobody can see this becoming a big deal. Surely people fuck and/or eat random animals all the time? It is March 2020 and director Josh Boone announces that work on the film is complete despite the lack of re-shoots or pick-ups. He explains that when Disney took over the company, he had only edited about seventy-five per cent of the movie and the visual effects were not finished. As I watch the film tonight I note to myself that this is fucking obvious. Boone is asked to return to finish his film but can't because he's since moved on to work on a television adaptation of Stephen King's The Stand. It is September 2020 and having seen the film, and whilst writing this blog, I make a mental note to significantly lower my expectations for the television adaptation of Stephen King's The Stand. 

The first act of The New Mutants begins to play on the screen in front of me. I hear a voice-over from the main character explaining an old Native American proverb. I can't remember it fully. Something about having “two bears inside of you”, I zone out for a second whilst making my own jokes about that being the kind of message that you might receive on the gay dating app Grinder. A bear is gay slang for a kind of big fat hairy man that wants to fuck you.. so I'm told. I notice that if there's anything to compliment this film for it is in having a native American actress as the lead. This is unusual for a superhero film which tends to prioritise big white guys as the main hero as though comic books are secretly in cahoots with Hitler for selling his Aryan propaganda. As I write this now I feel like I may have hit on a racist conspiracy in which white supremacist billionaires are in control of our media. I suspect that they are all also pedophiles. I ironically begin to fashion a hat out of tin foil whilst secretly suspecting that I'm probably right. It is January 2018 and One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest is cited as an influence on The New Mutants and although it's more like Dream Warriors crossed with the buzzing of a fridge. I'm grateful that the native American character isn't asked to simply stand silently and then smash a window to escape at the end. It occurs to me now that she does smash a window to escape at the end. I consider how it's also pretty cool that there's a lesbian relationship at the centre of the movie considering how mainstream the audience is that it's aiming itself at. Maisie William's character was accused of being a witch by a religious fanatic in her homeland. During a shower scene later on, we see a “W” branded onto her back. Her future girlfriend spots it and asks, “What does that stand for?” This seems like a stupid question. Clearly, it stands for “what the fuck went wrong with that final season of Game Of Thrones?!”. 

It is March 21st 2020 and the bat-fucking thing did turn out to be a bit of a God-damn fucking problem. Josh Boone has since returned to finish the edit of his film but Disney decides to delay again because of the on-going inconvenience of a global pandemic. On the list of things that this pandemic has fucked over which includes “people dying en mass”, “global economic ruin”, and “having been locked-in with nothing to do but wank until wanking seems less fun than risking death to see a shit movie at the cinema”, the New Mutants delay barely registers. It is September 2020 and as the film credits begin to roll, the man that smells of shit walks past me and asks, “where I get my gear from”, in a moment of confused excitement I mistake him for a drug dealer and begin to wonder what he's selling. By 'gear' it transpires that he was referring to my clothes. I think he's flirting with me. I become convinced that he has actually shat his actual pants. As The New Mutants credits continue to roll in the background I am reminded that the stench of this man as he attempts to seduce me is not the worst thing that I have experienced tonight. It is April 2020 and Disney announce that The New Mutants will be released in September. The world laughs. This film's constant delays have become a joke. But the film is not a joke. It's boring as fuck. I am tired of this movie. I'm tired of hearing about it. Its build-up was like the end of a post-lockdown wank in that its release was nothing more than a dull trickle. It is a few seconds later and I instantly regret that previous sentence. It's gross. It is August 2020 and Forbes write a review of The New Mutants entitled, “New Mutants Is The Worst X-Men Movie Ever”. Maisie Williams retweets it with the status, “Sounds like a must-see. Get your tickets now”. I am online thinking about investigating some porn. The tweet makes me laugh and I decide to book my tickets to see this instead. I will come to regret this decision. Thanks for reading motherfuckers, and see you next time. 

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