11 July 2016

Star Trek: The Motion Picture

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Star Trek: The Motion Picture - What the fuck is it about?

The film begins with both the Vulcans and the Klingons speaking in their own language and so I didn't really know what the fuck was going on to be honest. I was about fifteen minutes in before I realised that the DVD I was watching had expected me to manually select the third option of English subtitles on offer in order for me to have the alien gibberish translated. I mean why the fuck wouldn't it just have that on automatically? Does it really expect the average fan to be fluent in both fucking languages? ...Actually I've seen some of the fans of this series.. fair enough..

The movie involves the crew from the TV show all getting back together for a mission in which they are required to investigate a suspicious blue cloud. Wow. The movie assumes that you'll already know who these characters are and are happy to spend a good thirty minutes watching them do sweet fuck all. I mean, literally nothing happens for so God damn long. There's a scene in which Kirk lays eyes on the Enterprise for the first time that lasts longer than some amateur pornos do. That reference is actually particularly apt because throughout this scene, Kirk is giving the ship a look that suggests that the moment everybody's back is turned, he's almost definitely going to try and fuck it. Kirk looks at that ship in the same way that a sailor looks at a woman after returning home from months at sea, then heading straight to the nearest titty bar.

So was it shit or not then?

Yes. Yes it was. This was literally one of the most boring movies that I've ever seen and speaking of amateur pornos I say that as somebody who has seen that shit Paris Hilton video. You know the one in which she kind of just bounces up and down with glazed over eyes as though testing the worlds shittest spacehopper.  If Inglorious Bastards is to be believed, film is insanely flammable and there was a lot of names on the credits to this movie.. you'd have thought at least one person would have realised how long it was running on for and so thrown a fucking cigarette into whatever room in which the dailies are kept. Even if the resulting fire burnt for seven long days, you'd still be left with enough footage to make a ninety minute film. The special effects have dated pretty badly too. I'm guessing the budget was pretty small for this movie because the whole thing consisted mostly of people talking absolute bollocks on the bridge whilst occasionally cutting outside for a shot of the ships. Except, the ships are obviously models and the shots last so long that it just feels like you're trapped in some fat nerd's bedroom as he shows you his fucking toy collection.

Oddly this movie was directed by Robert Wise who you may know from his 1965 masterpiece in which he had Julie Andrews dressed as a Nun. Although Star Trek: The Slow-motion Picture, as it's been dubbed, is less The Sound Of Music as it is the sound of fucking silence. If you don't own this movie but want to replicate the experience of watching it then simply imagine the plot to Solaris, 2001: A Space Odyssey, and John Carpenter's Dark Star, though as if it was dumbed down by some boring old bastard. I guess I liked the effects of the alien ship within the blue cloud, but that's only because it had a feature that looked like a pulsing anus and I was really searching to find things that were entertaining. Oh, and for the record.. some of the extras were wearing jumpsuits that were way too tight for them. I could literally see their dicks.