3 July 2016

Bringing The World Together

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We live on a planet that has a whole range of variety within the unique personalities of our dominant species. Some people are smart and so will like Independence Day: Resurgence because it's unpretentiously big and dumb. Other people will probably like it however simply because they themselves are unpretentiously big and dumb. I saw the movie at the cinema last night and at its very opening, some text appeared on screen saying “West Virginia” so that we could identify the setting. Of course most of us will know West Virginia as an eastern U.S. state however this alone seemed to confuse some teenagers in our audience who loudly questioned, “What's West Vagina?” I mean, usually if I'm at the cinema and people make enough noise to make me aware that they're not dead then I start to get angry. Only the other day there was a gang of teenaged wank-drippings that fucking waffled all the way through a movie that had me so pissed off that I suspect that I probably left a little anus-stamp of blood on my seat. If I had a claw-hammer then I'd have happily gone to the back of their row and played their empty skulls like a human fucking xylophone. 


However with the loud kids in Independence Day: Resurgence I honestly didn't mind because after initially mixing up a bit of America with what a friend of mine refers to as “a lady's giggle-gutter”, they really fucking loved what they were watching. They loved the movie and I loved the movie and for two perfect hours that room and Independence Day: Resurgence had humanity united in the joy of seeing a “tall, gangly man” defend Earth from an alien species that looks a little as though a xenomorph once fucked a squid. It's also worth noting that I didn't actually see the teenagers themselves and so to emphasise how this film united all of humanity, I'm going to imagine that they're basically the opposite of me, which would make them black, female, and gay. This all seemed rather apt to me as well because at the centre of the movie there seemed to be an underlying message that humanity will progress much more positively if we all just stop pissing about and start being friends. Since 1996 when the aliens failed their first invasion, we have been using their technology in order to advance our own so that we can ably defend ourselves during their inevitable return. It's a bit like causing your mugger to drop his knife by sneezing in his face and then when returning two decades later he finds that you've strapped his blade to your rape-alarm in order to get a better grip when ramming it though his fucking eye.

You can only imagine my surprise therefore when I read the reviews for this movie and saw that it had indeed united our species, except in a slightly more negative way than I'd presumed. Because, although me and the noisy young lesbians, with their imagined ethnic background, really fucking loved this movie, it seems that the bulk of Earth's film journalists really, really hated it. If Independence Day: Resurgence was a mugger with a knife, then the critics haven't so much as sneezed in its face as they have stolen the blade and Gaddafi'd him up the arse with it. Which is just insane because I genuinely can't see where they're coming from. If you just Google this film and the word 'review' then you'll see phrases popping out at you like “summers worst film”, “boring”, “really bad”, and “disastrous”. And I honestly don't agree with any of them in the slightest. Is this film up their with Citizen Kane? Well, obviously not, but where Citizen Kane has its revolutionary style and iconic lead performance, Independence Day: Resurgence has Jeff Goldblum driving a school bus away from a giant fuck-off alien and I'll be damned if there's not a place in this world for both of those movies.

I should point out too that this year I've seen literally almost every single film that my local cinema has shown and I've had to really recalibrate what a 'good film' is. Because, I don't know about you, but it seems to me that in actual fact, most movies are like staring at a blank canvas, as a pure fountain of Tub Girl-like shite explodes all over it. In just the first six months of this year alone I've watched the anti-disabled, capitalist propaganda Me Before You; I was forced to regret the existence of my own Mum in Mothers Day; and I saw De Niro wanking away what was left of his dignity in the mind rapingly terrible Dirty Grandpa. To suggest that Independence Day: Resurgence is even close to being able to smell shit like that would either be a gross under-appreciation of this movie or worse, a thought-blind, lobotomy-requiring over-exaggeration of them. Because in all honesty, Independence Day: Resurgence pretty much gave me everything that I'd want from an Independence Day sequel. It's two hours of pure self-aware cheese that has no pretension as to being anything other than something fun to gawp at whilst you're shoving pop-corn down your stupid fucking throat.

And of course that might sound like damning with faint praise but if you honestly thought that this movie was boring then I dare you to go and see The Huntsman: The Winter War, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Out Of The Shadows, or Batman V Superman: Dawn of fucking Justice. Because by comparison to them, Independence Day: Resurgence was a juicy cherry of joy on top of a festering cake of crap that was presumably made for some woman called fucking 'Martha'. For a start, this one has Jeff Goldblum in it and even the very worst movie is made instantly more watchable by his bug-like brilliance. Even Liam Hemsworth is pretty good in this movie, which is a sentence I never thought I'd say. Based on his previous performances I'd always assumed that his brother Chris had managed to drain their mothers womb of all of its charisma juice, but I guess there was at least a few drops left in there after all. I'll agree that there's probably nothing in this movie that's as iconic as the White House explosion in the original, but firstly the original has already had twenty years to achieve that status, and secondly Will Smith isn't in this one, and that's never a bad thing, surely?!

I mean, don't get me wrong, I like him when he's good. But people seem to think that Smith's lack of appearance here is a bad sign for the movie as though he was the metaphorical space-rat fleeing the sinking mothership. But fuck that. Have you seen his filmography? He quite literally hasn't made a good film since Ali, and that was fifteen fucking years ago. In fact if you look at the movies he has turned down then it seems that with films like Django Unchained and The Matrix, you could argue that his career choices make him a little less The Fresh Prince Of Bel-air as it does The Fresh Prince Of Bell-end. As such, I literally didn't miss him here in the slightest, with enough of the older characters coming back for a splash of nostalgia to keep me satisfied. In fact, Goldblum aside, it was also nice to see Brent Spiner and Bill Pullman back as the mad scientist and one of the many fictional American presidents that still seems more real than Donald Trump. Of course you could argue that this is tried and tested ground for director Roland Emmerich who has destroyed the world so many times that I can only assume that his movies are like viagra at a Kim Jong-Un and Vladimir Putin weekly-wank-of-world-chaos party. However I think in this case, the level of competency with which he has things get the shit smashed out of them and the complete self-awareness that the film has in doing so was completely worth the price of the ticket. 
 
It seems that at the end of the day, the young homosexuals of unknown heritage and I that watched this film together are both in the minority. Although, we're obviously not alone. Empire Magazine described the movie as being “as spectacular as you'd hope”, and The Guardian online referred to it as “enjoyable chaos”. So all I can say is that this film is probably only as good as you think it's going to be. Does the idea of Jeff Goldblum screaming sound fun to you? Then you'll probably enjoy it. Are you likely to roll your eyes at the idea of a dumb sequel that literally only goes bigger for the sake of going bigger? Then maybe this isn't for you after all. I mean, I know it rains pretty heavily in England most of the time anyway, but this film goes so big that it has fucking Japan rain down on top of it instead. Perhaps this film didn't provide so much mindless joy that it would bring peace to the world like I initially thought, but fuck it, at least me and the lesbians who I invented had fun watching it. So thanks for reading and see you again, motherfuckers.