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However with the loud kids in Independence Day: Resurgence I honestly didn't mind because after initially mixing up a bit of America with what a friend of mine refers to as “a lady's giggle-gutter”, they really fucking loved what they were watching. They loved the movie and I loved the movie and for two perfect hours that room and Independence Day: Resurgence had humanity united in the joy of seeing a “tall, gangly man” defend Earth from an alien species that looks a little as though a xenomorph once fucked a squid. It's also worth noting that I didn't actually see the teenagers themselves and so to emphasise how this film united all of humanity, I'm going to imagine that they're basically the opposite of me, which would make them black, female, and gay. This all seemed rather apt to me as well because at the centre of the movie there seemed to be an underlying message that humanity will progress much more positively if we all just stop pissing about and start being friends. Since 1996 when the aliens failed their first invasion, we have been using their technology in order to advance our own so that we can ably defend ourselves during their inevitable return. It's a bit like causing your mugger to drop his knife by sneezing in his face and then when returning two decades later he finds that you've strapped his blade to your rape-alarm in order to get a better grip when ramming it though his fucking eye.
You
can only imagine my surprise therefore when I read the reviews for
this movie and saw that it had indeed united our species, except in a
slightly more negative way than I'd presumed. Because, although me and
the noisy young lesbians, with their imagined ethnic background, really
fucking loved this movie, it seems that the bulk of Earth's film
journalists really, really hated it. If Independence Day:
Resurgence was a mugger with a
knife, then the critics haven't so much as sneezed in its face as
they have stolen the blade and Gaddafi'd him up the arse with it.
Which is just insane because I genuinely can't see where they're
coming from. If you just Google this film and the word 'review' then
you'll see phrases popping out at you like “summers worst film”,
“boring”, “really bad”, and “disastrous”. And I honestly
don't agree with any of them in the slightest. Is this film up their
with Citizen Kane? Well,
obviously not, but where Citizen Kane has
its revolutionary style and
iconic lead performance, Independence Day: Resurgence has
Jeff Goldblum driving a school bus away from a giant fuck-off alien
and I'll be damned if there's not a place in this world for both of
those movies.
I
should point out too that this year I've seen literally almost every
single film that my local cinema has shown and I've had to really
recalibrate what a 'good film' is. Because, I don't know about you, but
it seems to me that in actual fact, most movies are like staring at a
blank canvas, as a pure fountain of Tub Girl-like shite explodes all
over it. In just the first six months of this year alone I've watched
the anti-disabled, capitalist propaganda Me Before You; I
was forced to regret the existence of my own Mum in Mothers
Day; and I saw De Niro wanking
away what was left of his dignity in the mind rapingly terrible Dirty
Grandpa. To suggest that
Independence Day: Resurgence is
even close to being able to smell shit like that would either be a
gross under-appreciation of this movie or worse, a thought-blind,
lobotomy-requiring over-exaggeration of them. Because in all honesty,
Independence Day: Resurgence pretty
much gave me everything that I'd want from an Independence
Day sequel. It's two hours of
pure self-aware cheese that has no pretension as to being anything other
than something fun to gawp at whilst you're shoving pop-corn down your
stupid fucking throat.
And
of course that might sound like damning with faint praise but if you
honestly thought that this movie was boring then I dare you to go and
see The Huntsman: The Winter War, Teenage Mutant Ninja
Turtles 2: Out Of The Shadows, or
Batman V Superman: Dawn of fucking
Justice. Because by
comparison to them, Independence Day: Resurgence was
a juicy cherry of joy on top of a festering cake of crap that was
presumably made for some woman called fucking 'Martha'. For a start, this
one has Jeff Goldblum in it and even the very worst movie is made
instantly more watchable by his bug-like brilliance. Even Liam
Hemsworth is pretty good in this movie, which is a sentence I never
thought I'd say. Based on his previous performances I'd always
assumed that his brother Chris had managed to drain their mothers
womb of all of its charisma juice, but I guess there was at least a
few drops left in there after all. I'll agree that there's probably
nothing in this movie that's as iconic as the White House explosion
in the original, but firstly the original has already had twenty years
to achieve that status, and secondly Will Smith isn't in this one, and
that's never a bad thing, surely?!
I
mean, don't get me wrong, I like him when he's good. But people seem
to think that Smith's lack of appearance here is a bad sign for the
movie as though he was the metaphorical space-rat fleeing the sinking
mothership. But fuck that. Have you seen his filmography? He quite
literally hasn't made a good film since Ali, and
that was fifteen fucking years ago. In fact if you look at the movies
he has turned down then it seems that with films like Django
Unchained and The
Matrix, you could argue that his
career choices make him a little less The Fresh Prince Of
Bel-air as it does The
Fresh Prince Of Bell-end. As
such, I literally didn't miss him here in the slightest, with enough of
the older characters coming back for a splash of nostalgia to keep me
satisfied. In fact, Goldblum aside, it was also nice to see Brent
Spiner and Bill Pullman back as the mad scientist and one of the many
fictional American presidents that still seems more real than Donald
Trump. Of course you could argue that this is tried and tested ground
for director Roland Emmerich who has destroyed the world so many
times that I can only assume that his movies are like viagra at a Kim
Jong-Un and Vladimir Putin weekly-wank-of-world-chaos party.
However I think in this case, the level of competency with which he
has things get the shit smashed out of them and the complete
self-awareness that the film has in doing so was completely worth the
price of the ticket.
It seems that at the end of the day, the young homosexuals of
unknown heritage and I that watched this film together are both in the
minority. Although, we're obviously not alone. Empire Magazine
described the movie as being “as spectacular as you'd hope”, and
The Guardian online referred to it as “enjoyable chaos”. So all I
can say is that this film is probably only as good as you think it's
going to be. Does the idea of Jeff Goldblum screaming sound fun to
you? Then you'll probably enjoy it. Are you likely to roll your eyes
at the idea of a dumb sequel that literally only goes bigger for the
sake of going bigger? Then maybe this isn't for you after all. I mean,
I know it rains pretty heavily in England most of the time anyway, but
this film goes so big that it has fucking Japan rain down on top of
it instead. Perhaps this film didn't provide so much mindless joy
that it would bring peace to the world like I initially thought, but
fuck it, at least me and the lesbians who I invented had fun
watching it. So thanks for reading and see you again, motherfuckers.
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