14 July 2016

Star Trek 5: The Final Frontier

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Star Trek 5: The Final Frontier - What the fuck is it about?

The main story kicks off in a place called Paradise City in which some Jesus like figure has started causing some shit. I mean I say Paradise City.. I'd always been led to believe that the grass there is green and the girls are pretty. However it seems that in reality it's actually a desert and so the grass is dead and the girls aren't so much pretty as they are three-titted cat people. Still, the crew of the enterprise turn up here to try to solve the trouble regarding the Jesus character. His name is Sybok and it's claimed that he can “put you in touch with feelings you never previously knew you could express”. So, basically he's the alien equivalent of a love-egg.

So the crew arrive and Sybok takes over their ship and forces them all to go on a trip with him to see God. Long story short.. Kirk's not into that shit and so when presented with the face of The Almighty, he decides that the best thing to do is to start a big old slanging match. At one point Sybok offers to help remove Kirk of anything that might bother him, to which he screams “I need my pain!!”. Not sure what he's referring to here but I'm guessing it's probably his cholesterol levels.

So was it shit or not then?

Erm.. well, the movie started pretty terribly in which we see Shatner's Kirk climbing up a huge cliff-face for fun and without any safety ropes. I mean, considering his size and age, this is something that could only realistically happen the day pigs fly.. admittedly, for a split second I thought that was what I was actually seeing. When asked why he felt the urge to do this, climb Kirk replied “The most important reason as to why we should climb a mountain is because it's there”. Presumably he has a similar policy when it comes to eating some lovely, lovely cake. Although honestly I think the worst bit about this scene is its attempts at humour which then continue throughout the entire movie and is honestly about as painful as a Vulcan death-pinch to the dick.

Actually, speaking of pain, one of the things I did like was the make-up of the Klingons, and that's even if they are basically just browned-up people with a stitched-up vagina glued above their face. After having the last two films directed by Nemoy, this is the first to be attempted by Shatner. And to be fair, although it is sort-of rubbish, I do admire the way it decides to tackle religion. Even when presented with the face of God, the crew remain logical and talk shit to it rather than simply dropping to their knees and grovelling. Although that could be because if this ageing cast dropped to their knees then I'm not quite sure they'd be able to get back up again.

In terms of direction, I actually don't think that Shatner did a bad job. Nor do I think he did a bad job in terms of finding a theme for the movie. The problem is with the script, which could have done with a few more drafts. I hear that the budget was cut for this movie which may be the cause of the situation, but I suppose that catering just isn't going to pay for itself. There's a contrived twist involving Spock's family that I didn't need, and despite its mostly crap humour, there's a scene in which Bones euthanises his own father which got a bit fucking dark. However simply due to its promotion of rational thinking in the face of religion, I think that this entry is definitely worth a watch.