Her Heart Will Go On

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Alita: Battle Angel begins with Christoph Waltz finding a robotic head in a landfill site which is lucky for him. When I was a kid the most exciting thing that I found lying around was a porno mag in the bushes and the pictures in it were so rank that I think it actually set my development back a few years. But this film is set in the future where finding robot heads is apparently not a huge deal and I presume that porn mags have been replaced with a chip in your brain and some kind of sci-fi suction device. I'm not sure what kind of sci-fi suction device that might be but I reckon a robotic ladies head that you find in the dump might be a good starting place. From here, Waltz decides to give the lady's detached robotic head a body and bring her back to life which is pretty lucky for her. Most people are perverts and so realistically I think the closest to a body that most people would attach her head to would be a fucking anvil. If anything this film should be like a cross between Pinocchio and one of those documentaries about creepy men that become too attached to their sex dolls. Anyway, it turns out that the robot that Waltz names Alita is actually a three-hundred-year-old fighting machine. So she actually looks pretty good for an older lady considering that she's the same age and level of human that Jackie Stallone is.

Come With Me If You Want To Live

Due to it consisting exclusively of scroungers, deadbeats, nutters and fuckwits, if I can avoid my mums family then I damn-well will. However thanks to some recent bullshit I accidentally found myself on the Facebook profile of one of my seventeen year old cousins who I'd not laid eyes on in over a decade. Despite having refused to do a days work in her short and pointless life, it seems that right now the fat, skanky little tart is living freely in her own flat after having pushed offspring out from her slutty little minge. In the job section of her profile she had simply written, “I'm a full-time Mummy <3”, which was a sentence that annoyed me so much that my eyes burst and sprayed blood everywhere. Between my Aunty and her current partner, the two alpha-rats have created eleven children who, as in the case of my teenaged cousin, have also began to pop out their own ugly, state funded mutants. Like a plague of human filth, they breed, consume, and die having contributed nothing to society beyond being a constant supply of brain-dead guests for those shit chat-shows in which toothless yokels scream blue murder at each other after stealing from people who work. Urgh... To conclude this rant I'll get to the point... Believe it or not but the life cycle of these parasitic clagnuts is actually encouraged by the film The Terminator... kind of!

I'm going to hope that everybody on the planet has seen this film although for the sake of those suffering from head trauma, I suppose I'll do a quick recap. Basically, in the future, humanity is at war with the machines because they're better than us and we have this pissy little habit of not wanting to die. To try and scupper our resistance, the robots initiate the standard war time procedure of travelling back through time and murdering our leader’s mum Sarah Connor before she can give birth to him. I actually think that Churchill was planning to do that to Hitler before the Americans finally got their shit together and found some perspective. Also at the same time as this, humanity has also sent Sarah a soldier for protection because we need her alive and the tacky haired bitch seemed oddly underprepared. I suppose this was back in the 80's when most women weren't expecting to be randomly slaughtered by a naked, psychopath with bright red-eyes... Ah who doesn't feel a tinge of nostalgia for our pre-bathsalts days?!

Cum with me if you want to live...

Okay so from this point on I'm going to just assume that you've popped your Terminator cherry as I can't be arsed over-explaining everything and I'll be going into some spoilers... If you've not seen the film then from here on you should probably just fuck off and repair that half life that you've so far wasted the shit out of.... Anyway, so obviously the film is a classic blah, blah, blah... However if I have one question it is simply this- what was it about the 1980's that resulted in so many films following a main character as they to trick their dad into fucking their mum? Not only was there Back To The Future's creepy love triangle of incest but this too! John Connor gives his soldier mate a picture of his mum as spaffing-rations before sending him back through time to future spunk her into getting pregnant. This baby then grows up to be John which means that his mate who he got all hot and bothered with the sexy MILF pics turned out to be his own dad?! And I thought my friends were motherfuckers... But then if John had to send his dad back in time to screw himself out of his mum then how did that happen in the first place? Because presumably there's a point where the future hasn't happened yet and she's not able to get pregnant because she's not met the man who'll give her the unborn baby that'll hook them up... Err what? More confusingly of all though, how could anybody ever send their dad on a mission to fuck themselves out of their own mum? I mean seriously... These films were made to be fun and yet just the thought of that makes me want to dribble vomit down my tits in disgust. 

...And this is where all that stuff regarding my useless bag-of-puss family comes into it. If you pay close attention to Terminator 2: Judgement Day then you'll discover that it is set ten years after the first film with Sarah Connor apparently now being twenty-nine years old. This means that in The Terminator when she gets boned by the scratty looking soldier, she must have only been about eighteen or nineteen years old. Nothing wrong with that I suppose except for the fact that she’s not in a steady relationship, she's jobless and now she's got a child to bring up too. Who’s going to pay for that little bastard I wonder? Not only that but because her child is meant to be Earth’s saviour, we're all meant to be happy that this gullible mullet ends up hanging a crusty donut. Subconsciously this film is putting into kids minds that an unplanned teen pregnancy is both cool and acceptable...

I realise that this point is kind of anticlimactic in comparison to the indulgently long slurry of bile about my family at the beginning. Nor do I really believe an adult film should worry about being watched by children. But you know... It's my blog and sometimes I like to find reasons to call my relatives, “alpha rats” and “fuckwits”. To make up for this I'll distract you by quickly justifying the statement about kids being influenced by this when it is clearly a film for adults. Basically, children are fucking devious and will get whatever they want. I wanted to see it when I was younger and so to get around the watchful eye of my parents I simply asked my confused nan (from dad's side) to tape it off the television for me. She didn't know what the fuck it was and my parents didn't know what she'd done as 'Schwarzenegger' is a difficult word to spell. For a good few weeks I had a video lying around my room with a title written on in old lady scribble calling it, “Some Arnold Sharonarroneger thing”. It would have been the perfect crime had I not then spent the next few weeks finding any opportunity to leave rooms just to have an excuse to announce, “I'll be back”.

"I yam an gooood yaactoorr"

Other than being a contributing factor to my estranged fucking relatives though, The Terminator is obviously a complete masterpiece. If I'm being honest, it's probably also quite a small influence on their breeding in the grand scheme of things but still... There are plenty of things that make this film as great as it is but let’s face it, Arnie is probably the main one. I'm a huge Schwarzenegger fan and although I admit that he has been involved in some truly terrible movies he's also been in a lot of great ones too. I need to see Batman and Robin again about as desperately as I need a swift kick to an open wound on my bollocks but surely nobody can deny the genius of Total Recall or Predator? I love the fact that in real life he managed to take over a state of America by constantly quoting an out of context catchphrase but I'm also glad he's back on our screens now. He was away for ten years and it's about time he returned to what he was made for and starred in some brand new classics... Preferably that aren't also part of The Expendables franchise which as far as I'm concerned just looks too much like an explosive Hollywood remake of the British sitcom Dad's Army. I don't think that Arnie is the greatest actor of all time but I think he's better than some people give him credit for. In fact I would even argue that his only real problem is his distracting accent which although ‘cool’, it makes everything he says sound like he's just fallen down a massive hole. Arnie is capable of great acting when he finds the right part and with the right director to guide him. In this case it just so happens that for the role of an almost silent machine that simply cannot show any human emotion whatsoever... he's perfect!

To kind of conclude, I guess it's interesting to note that director James Cameron pulled the same trick with this franchise that he did with the Alien one too. Whereas this part-one is a kind of slasher/horror film, part-two then switched genres to become much more focused on action. I'm still quite a fan of the shitter films that came after those first couple and I'm quite looking forward to part five although I've no clue what the story will be. So far for that they've just cast both John and Sarah Connor with Sarah being interestingly younger than her son. Does this mean that we'll be travelling back in time to meet her as a teenager again? Possibly! The way this incestuous franchise works it really wouldn't surprise me either if John ended up being sent back to protect her just so he could fuck her and become his own dad. Meh, I'm optimistic either way and I guess we'll have to just wait and see! 

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Follow this blog or I'll fucking cut you.

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I Just Blue Myself

I hate having to go to a 3D movie. If it had been forced upon us for artistic reasons then perhaps I'd be more forgiving but the truth is that it was a gimmick designed to combat piracy. If that's the case then fine but it seems a bit shitty to whack the price up and charge more for those of us who have bothered to actually go to the cinema. Not only does the film itself cost more to see but they then also charge extra for use of those mongo looking glasses too. I understand the staff there are doing a menial job for exploitatively low wages but if they're going to fuck me up the arse then the least they can do is smile whilst it's happening. Plus based on its entire concept, 3D is clearly the Chris Tucker of gimmicks in that it's both irritatingly unnecessary and distracts the living fuck out of me. I really don't need a film to shoot things out of the screen unless we're in the unlikely situation that it stars Angelina Jolie and the script makes constant use of the word “squirting”.

Of course though, 3D is actually half the age of Joan Rivers having been used as far back as 1915. This new wave of extra-dimensional cinematography however, was kickstarted in 2009 when James Cameron's Avatar was thrust upon us with more excitement than a free shot of heroin to the eyeball. To their absolute credit they did manage to create a hell of a lot of hype for a film that most of us didn't really know anything about. At least I'm guessing it was the genius marketing that caused people to flock to it because it sure as fuck wasn't the story. For anybody who somehow doesn't know, it's pretty much just Pocahontas but with an Alien species called the Na'vi as a stand in for the Native Americans. I should also possibly clarify that by Pocahontas I mean the cartoon and not the true story that involves significantly more kidnap, rape and death than Disney bizarrely seemed to mention. Although I'm sure I don't need to have said any of that considering that Avatar is currently the highest grossing movie on the planet. Still, as the mega-rich Donald Trump has proven, just because something makes a lot of money it doesn’t mean it can't also be a fat lump of shit.

Cheetara says: "Don't share needles."

So Avatar, to me, was fairly annoying because it both brought back 3D and also had a story that was about as unique as a toothless whore in a hardened cock-factory, however the real achievement is not in the films 3D technology but in its ability to believably render some fucking ridiculous looking aliens. The Na'vi themselves are at times completely photorealistic and that's despite their design reminding me of an AIDs riddled Thundercat. I think this was the first film too that managed to solve the problem of CG characters having that weird dead-eyed thing. For anyone who has forgotten, this was a kind of glazed over disconnect that characters used to have in films like The Polar Express which really made it difficult to believe in them. Since the progress of Avatar, this dead-eyed problem seems to have been solved and can only now be found in interviews where Bruce Willis has been forced to talk about his latest shit action film.

However it's not just the Na'vi that have been created inside a computer but from what I can tell pretty much everything else was as well. The sets and background creatures are phenomenally well rendered considering everything was filmed in the kind of empty warehouse that might once have been used to kill chickens in. In fact it's the imaginative colours of the various different species and plant-life in Avatar that is one of my favourite things about the film. It's as though all those tree fucking hippies actually managed to impregnate Mother Nature and eventually all their various children came out tie-died. The only downside to this is that near the end there is a lot going on in terms of big battles and it stops being quite so convincing. It is all still fun, it's just that with so many colourful and obviously computerised images fighting the shit out of each other it sort of turns into a kind of psychopathic movie from Pixar.

The other thing that deserves to be praised is the performances. Like I said, the whole thing was filmed in an empty room and so the actors did very well to be able to imagine their surroundings and play off things that weren't really there. I guess it helps when the kind of people that you've hired are as amazing as Sigourney Weaver but still... Actually now that I think about it, Weaver’s blue Avatar kind of looks like the corpse of Ellen Ripley if you were to drag it out of a polluted lake and then punch it in the face. All of the characters are fairly clichéd but its cast do well to make us forget. I guess this just means that James Cameron is better at directing than he is at writing which might also explain why he invents words such as Unobtainium. If you have to come up with the name of a valuable mineral and you're happy to use something as shit as that then you may as well go one further and just name it CuntsRock. The other thing that I really hated in regards to the script was the voice-over from Sam Worthington. I'm not sure if it's in every version of the film but it is in the extended cut and was like having a dribbling fucktard sitting over your shoulder and badly describing everything that you could already see. If that's the kind of experience you’re after then I strongly recommend listening to Arnie's commentary for Total Recall which is actually hilarious.   

The other thing about Avatar that I really hated was the score which was really god damn awful. If I have one pet peeve, it's those Gladiator-esque themes that sound like an African woman wailing after she's been hoofed in the fanny and this film is full of them. Also the soundtrack was composed by James Horner who I hate at the best of times because it seems that his music is permanently set to shit. To make things worse though, there's a piece in Avatar that sounded strangely familiar. After a few seconds of scanning my autistic movie-brain, I realised that the film Troy had used the exact same fucking theme. Amazed by this shocking level of shoddiness I quickly went to YouTube to see if I was right and it turns out that I was. Not only that but according to a video that somebody had made, Horner had used this particular theme in loads of his other movies over and over again. If you remember at the start of this blog I said that people working in a cinema do a menial job for exploitatively low wages. Well in contrast, Horner gets paid loads of money to do his dream job and yet is squandering this gift to be a proper lazy twat about it. However even that is nothing in comparison to the bloody awful Leona Lewis song that plays out over Avatar's credits at the end. I don't know who wrote that sappy ballad of bollocks but it's so offensively crap that I can only conclude that they must have committed some sort of crime in its creation. If you can imagine what notes you'd use to replicate the feeling of having barbed-wire dragged through your bleeding ears then that's basically what this shit song sounds like.

Check out this sexy blue alien monster!

Still, I hope it doesn't sound like I don't like the movie because I really do. I mean yes, it's way too long, features cardboard characters and has a familiar plot that's derived from one of the crappier Disney films but you know... I hate to nitpick. In regards to the CG, it is technically brilliant and the creativity involved in designing creatures and environments was so cool that it was like having my eye balls slit open with an LSD-lined razor blade. I really love films that explore jungles full of exotic species and like Jurassic Park and King Kong- this film does just that. I really don't need any of the Pocahontas shit, even if it has a fairly positive ‘treat the world with respect’ type message. Just show me a colourful creature with nine legs, an arsehole full of teeth and an angry dick and I'll be more than entertained. The writing of the film is rubbish but we can't deny the impact if its execution. Plus the Na'vi use this weird thing in their head to both fuck each other and ride animals. Other than the whole eco thing, the message of this film seems to be that you should stand up for your right to make love to any species whether it be horse, bird or alien. Whether I agree with that or not, I have to admire the balls of a big budget movie that is clearly pro-bestiality.

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Follow this blog or I'll fucking cut you.

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