23 December 2013

Come With Me If You Want To Live



Due to it consisting exclusively of scroungers, deadbeats, nutters and fuckwits, if I can avoid my mums family then I damn-well will. However thanks to some recent bullshit I accidentally found myself on the Facebook profile of one of my seventeen year old cousins who I'd not laid eyes on in over a decade. Despite having refused to do a days work in her short and pointless life, it seems that right now the fat, skanky little tart is living freely in her own flat after having pushed offspring out from her slutty little minge. In the job section of her profile she had simply written, “I'm a full-time Mummy <3”, which was a sentence that annoyed me so much that my eyes burst and sprayed blood everywhere. Between my Aunty and her current partner, the two alpha-rats have created eleven children who, as in the case of my teenaged cousin, have also began to pop out their own ugly, state funded mutants. Like a plague of human filth, they breed, consume, and die having contributed nothing to society beyond being a constant supply of brain-dead guests for those shit chat-shows in which toothless yokels scream blue murder at each other after stealing from people who work. Urgh... To conclude this rant I'll get to the point... Believe it or not but the life cycle of these parasitic clagnuts is actually encouraged by the film The Terminator... kind of!

I'm going to hope that everybody on the planet has seen this film although for the sake of those suffering from head trauma, I suppose I'll do a quick recap. Basically, in the future, humanity is at war with the machines because they're better than us and we have this pissy little habit of not wanting to die. To try and scupper our resistance, the robots initiate the standard war time procedure of travelling back through time and murdering our leader’s mum Sarah Connor before she can give birth to him. I actually think that Churchill was planning to do that to Hitler before the Americans finally got their shit together and found some perspective. Also at the same time as this, humanity has also sent Sarah a soldier for protection because we need her alive and the tacky haired bitch seemed oddly underprepared. I suppose this was back in the 80's when most women weren't expecting to be randomly slaughtered by a naked, psychopath with bright red-eyes... Ah who doesn't feel a tinge of nostalgia for our pre-bathsalts days?!

Cum with me if you want to live...
Okay so from this point on I'm going to just assume that you've popped your Terminator cherry as I can't be arsed over-explaining everything and I'll be going into some spoilers... If you've not seen the film then from here on you should probably just fuck off and repair that half life that you've so far wasted the shit out of.... Anyway, so obviously the film is a classic blah, blah, blah... However if I have one question it is simply this- what was it about the 1980's that resulted in so many films following a main character as they to trick their dad into fucking their mum? Not only was there Back To The Future's creepy love triangle of incest but this too! John Connor gives his soldier mate a picture of his mum as spaffing-rations before sending him back through time to future spunk her into getting pregnant. This baby then grows up to be John which means that his mate who he got all hot and bothered with the sexy MILF pics turned out to be his own dad?! And I thought my friends were motherfuckers... But then if John had to send his dad back in time to screw himself out of his mum then how did that happen in the first place? Because presumably there's a point where the future hasn't happened yet and she's not able to get pregnant because she's not met the man who'll give her the unborn baby that'll hook them up... Err what? More confusingly of all though, how could anybody ever send their dad on a mission to fuck themselves out of their own mum? I mean seriously... These films were made to be fun and yet just the thought of that makes me want to dribble vomit down my tits in disgust. 

...And this is where all that stuff regarding my useless bag-of-puss family comes into it. If you pay close attention to Terminator 2: Judgement Day then you'll discover that it is set ten years after the first film with Sarah Connor apparently now being twenty-nine years old. This means that in The Terminator when she gets boned by the scratty looking soldier, she must have only been about eighteen or nineteen years old. Nothing wrong with that I suppose except for the fact that she’s not in a steady relationship, she's jobless and now she's got a child to bring up too. Who’s going to pay for that little bastard I wonder? Not only that but because her child is meant to be Earth’s saviour, we're all meant to be happy that this gullible mullet ends up hanging a crusty donut. Subconsciously this film is putting into kids minds that an unplanned teen pregnancy is both cool and acceptable...

I realise that this point is kind of anticlimactic in comparison to the indulgently long slurry of bile about my family at the beginning. Nor do I really believe an adult film should worry about being watched by children. But you know... It's my blog and sometimes I like to find reasons to call my relatives, “alpha rats” and “fuckwits”. To make up for this I'll distract you by quickly justifying the statement about kids being influenced by this when it is clearly a film for adults. Basically, children are fucking devious and will get whatever they want. I wanted to see it when I was younger and so to get around the watchful eye of my parents I simply asked my confused nan (from dad's side) to tape it off the television for me. She didn't know what the fuck it was and my parents didn't know what she'd done as 'Schwarzenegger' is a difficult word to spell. For a good few weeks I had a video lying around my room with a title written on in old lady scribble calling it, “Some Arnold Sharonarroneger thing”. It would have been the perfect crime had I not then spent the next few weeks finding any opportunity to leave rooms just to have an excuse to announce, “I'll be back”.

"I yam an gooood yaactoorr"
Other than being a contributing factor to my estranged fucking relatives though, The Terminator is obviously a complete masterpiece. If I'm being honest, it's probably also quite a small influence on their breeding in the grand scheme of things but still... There are plenty of things that make this film as great as it is but let’s face it, Arnie is probably the main one. I'm a huge Schwarzenegger fan and although I admit that he has been involved in some truly terrible movies he's also been in a lot of great ones too. I need to see Batman and Robin again about as desperately as I need a swift kick to an open wound on my bollocks but surely nobody can deny the genius of Total Recall or Predator? I love the fact that in real life he managed to take over a state of America by constantly quoting an out of context catchphrase but I'm also glad he's back on our screens now. He was away for ten years and it's about time he returned to what he was made for and starred in some brand new classics... Preferably that aren't also part of The Expendables franchise which as far as I'm concerned just looks too much like an explosive Hollywood remake of the British sitcom Dad's Army. I don't think that Arnie is the greatest actor of all time but I think he's better than some people give him credit for. In fact I would even argue that his only real problem is his distracting accent which although ‘cool’, it makes everything he says sound like he's just fallen down a massive hole. Arnie is capable of great acting when he finds the right part and with the right director to guide him. In this case it just so happens that for the role of an almost silent machine that simply cannot show any human emotion whatsoever... he's perfect!

To kind of conclude, I guess it's interesting to note that director James Cameron pulled the same trick with this franchise that he did with the Alien one too. Whereas this part-one is a kind of slasher/horror film, part-two then switched genres to become much more focused on action. I'm still quite a fan of the shitter films that came after those first couple and I'm quite looking forward to part five although I've no clue what the story will be. So far for that they've just cast both John and Sarah Connor with Sarah being interestingly younger than her son. Does this mean that we'll be travelling back in time to meet her as a teenager again? Possibly! The way this incestuous franchise works it really wouldn't surprise me either if John ended up being sent back to protect her just so he could fuck her and become his own dad. Meh, I'm optimistic either way and I guess we'll have to just wait and see! 

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