7 October 2013

I Just Blue Myself


I hate having to go to a 3D movie. If it had been forced upon us for artistic reasons then perhaps I'd be more forgiving but the truth is that it was a gimmick designed to combat piracy. If that's the case then fine but it seems a bit shitty to whack the price up and charge more for those of us who have bothered to actually go to the cinema. Not only does the film itself cost more to see but they then also charge extra for use of those mongo looking glasses too. I understand the staff there are doing a menial job for exploitatively low wages but if they're going to fuck me up the arse then the least they can do is smile whilst it's happening. Plus based on its entire concept, 3D is clearly the Chris Tucker of gimmicks in that it's both irritatingly unnecessary and distracts the living fuck out of me. I really don't need a film to shoot things out of the screen unless we're in the unlikely situation that it stars Angelina Jolie and the script makes constant use of the word “squirting”.

Of course though, 3D is actually half the age of Joan Rivers having been used as far back as 1915. This new wave of extra-dimensional cinematography however, was kickstarted in 2009 when James Cameron's Avatar was thrust upon us with more excitement than a free shot of heroin to the eyeball. To their absolute credit they did manage to create a hell of a lot of hype for a film that most of us didn't really know anything about. At least I'm guessing it was the genius marketing that caused people to flock to it because it sure as fuck wasn't the story. For anybody who somehow doesn't know, it's pretty much just Pocahontas but with an Alien species called the Na'vi as a stand in for the Native Americans. I should also possibly clarify that by Pocahontas I mean the cartoon and not the true story that involves significantly more kidnap, rape and death than Disney bizarrely seemed to mention. Although I'm sure I don't need to have said any of that considering that Avatar is currently the highest grossing movie on the planet. Still, as the mega-rich Donald Trump has proven, just because something makes a lot of money it doesn’t mean it can't also be a fat lump of shit.

Cheetara says: "Don't share needles."
So Avatar, to me, was fairly annoying because it both brought back 3D and also had a story that was about as unique as a toothless whore in a hardened cock-factory, however the real achievement is not in the films 3D technology but in its ability to believably render some fucking ridiculous looking aliens. The Na'vi themselves are at times completely photorealistic and that's despite their design reminding me of an AIDs riddled Thundercat. I think this was the first film too that managed to solve the problem of CG characters having that weird dead-eyed thing. For anyone who has forgotten, this was a kind of glazed over disconnect that characters used to have in films like The Polar Express which really made it difficult to believe in them. Since the progress of Avatar, this dead-eyed problem seems to have been solved and can only now be found in interviews where Bruce Willis has been forced to talk about his latest shit action film.

However it's not just the Na'vi that have been created inside a computer but from what I can tell pretty much everything else was as well. The sets and background creatures are phenomenally well rendered considering everything was filmed in the kind of empty warehouse that might once have been used to kill chickens in. In fact it's the imaginative colours of the various different species and plant-life in Avatar that is one of my favourite things about the film. It's as though all those tree fucking hippies actually managed to impregnate Mother Nature and eventually all their various children came out tie-died. The only downside to this is that near the end there is a lot going on in terms of big battles and it stops being quite so convincing. It is all still fun, it's just that with so many colourful and obviously computerised images fighting the shit out of each other it sort of turns into a kind of psychopathic movie from Pixar.

The other thing that deserves to be praised is the performances. Like I said, the whole thing was filmed in an empty room and so the actors did very well to be able to imagine their surroundings and play off things that weren't really there. I guess it helps when the kind of people that you've hired are as amazing as Sigourney Weaver but still... Actually now that I think about it, Weaver’s blue Avatar kind of looks like the corpse of Ellen Ripley if you were to drag it out of a polluted lake and then punch it in the face. All of the characters are fairly clich├ęd but its cast do well to make us forget. I guess this just means that James Cameron is better at directing than he is at writing which might also explain why he invents words such as Unobtainium. If you have to come up with the name of a valuable mineral and you're happy to use something as shit as that then you may as well go one further and just name it CuntsRock. The other thing that I really hated in regards to the script was the voice-over from Sam Worthington. I'm not sure if it's in every version of the film but it is in the extended cut and was like having a dribbling fucktard sitting over your shoulder and badly describing everything that you could already see. If that's the kind of experience you’re after then I strongly recommend listening to Arnie's commentary for Total Recall which is actually hilarious.   

The other thing about Avatar that I really hated was the score which was really god damn awful. If I have one pet peeve, it's those Gladiator-esque themes that sound like an African woman wailing after she's been hoofed in the fanny and this film is full of them. Also the soundtrack was composed by James Horner who I hate at the best of times because it seems that his music is permanently set to shit. To make things worse though, there's a piece in Avatar that sounded strangely familiar. After a few seconds of scanning my autistic movie-brain, I realised that the film Troy had used the exact same fucking theme. Amazed by this shocking level of shoddiness I quickly went to YouTube to see if I was right and it turns out that I was. Not only that but according to a video that somebody had made, Horner had used this particular theme in loads of his other movies over and over again. If you remember at the start of this blog I said that people working in a cinema do a menial job for exploitatively low wages. Well in contrast, Horner gets paid loads of money to do his dream job and yet is squandering this gift to be a proper lazy twat about it. However even that is nothing in comparison to the bloody awful Leona Lewis song that plays out over Avatar's credits at the end. I don't know who wrote that sappy ballad of bollocks but it's so offensively crap that I can only conclude that they must have committed some sort of crime in its creation. If you can imagine what notes you'd use to replicate the feeling of having barbed-wire dragged through your bleeding ears then that's basically what this shit song sounds like.

Check out this sexy blue alien monster!
Still, I hope it doesn't sound like I don't like the movie because I really do. I mean yes, it's way too long, features cardboard characters and has a familiar plot that's derived from one of the crappier Disney films but you know... I hate to nitpick. In regards to the CG, it is technically brilliant and the creativity involved in designing creatures and environments was so cool that it was like having my eye balls slit open with an LSD-lined razor blade. I really love films that explore jungles full of exotic species and like Jurassic Park and King Kong- this film does just that. I really don't need any of the Pocahontas shit, even if it has a fairly positive ‘treat the world with respect’ type message. Just show me a colourful creature with nine legs, an arsehole full of teeth and an angry dick and I'll be more than entertained. The writing of the film is rubbish but we can't deny the impact if its execution. Plus the Na'vi use this weird thing in their head to both fuck each other and ride animals. Other than the whole eco thing, the message of this film seems to be that you should stand up for your right to make love to any species whether it be horse, bird or alien. Whether I agree with that or not, I have to admire the balls of a big budget movie that is clearly pro-bestiality.

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