The Amazing Garfield

How amazing would it be if we, as humans, could actually take on certain animal abilities? The Nazis experimented with it, God bless them they tried, but perhaps they went about it the wrong way. As much as I'd love to be able to fly like a bird or jizz like a pig, anything associated with the holocaust tends to be a bit of a mood killer. Peter Parker was bitten by a genetically modified spider and suddenly took on the best of its characteristics. Although that did happen without the need for any genocide, by not following safety regulations the specky twonk was still bloody lucky. For all he knew, he could have ended up with eight eyes and the ability to hang upside down from his arse-hole. If that's how simple the science behind all this is then I can only assume that Lindsay Lohan was bitten by a radioactive whore. If I could be crossed with any animal I think it would be a cat. Nine lives and the flexibility to lick my own balls sounds like a dream life for me.

Of course though everybody knows about how Spiderman got his powers. Not only has it been explained countless times in comic books and cartoons, but now also in two films released only a decade apart. The Amazing Spiderman therefore had two challenges that it would need to overcome: on the one hand it needed to be a good film and on the other it needed to justify itself in telling the same story as Sam Raimi did back in 2002. Not only that but this current version wouldn't have Toby Maguire's angry running/cum face to look forward to.

Toby Maguire angrily blowing his load for some reason.

The Amazing Spiderman begins with a childhood mystery. The young Peter Parker's house is broken into which results in him being forced to live with his Aunt and Uncle. His parents do what every teenager dreams they would and simply fuck off. Under the guidance of Uncle Ben, Peter grows up into an intelligent but shy teenager who gets bullied at school and has the hots for class-mate Gwen Stacey. I'm not saying Emma Stone looks old but there's no fucking way she's 17. It really creeps me out when older people play school kids. It's as though Hollywood is trying to wean paedophiles onto real adults but at the same time may accidentally be running the risk of weaning normal people onto school children. 

In a way it's almost pointless continuing with the plot because the odds are you already know it. Peter gets bitten by a spider, he meets an older mentor who becomes a sympathetic villain whilst Parker’s current love interest is a little too conveniently tied into every. single. plot. strand. It might seem too easy to slag this film off for being too similar to the previous one but fuck it, that doesn't make it any less valid. Casino Royale, Star Trek and Rise of the Planet of the Apes are perfectly good examples of how to restart a franchise without going over the same old ground. For me at least, The Amazing Spiderman stuck too closely to the formula of the original to justify starting again. If this film was an animal it would definitely be that second cat to walk past the door in The Matrix.

Another problem with this film is that it has apparently fallen under the spell of Nolan's Dark Knight saga. It seems that since Batman Begins, every superhero film to be released has to be darker and grittier. If that's the case then fuck it, why stop at comic book adaptations? I'd love to see the Christopher Nolan version of Mr Bean as a mentally retarded man who is one dark thought away from dry fucking his teddy bear and then going on a shooting spree. My point is that it's a shame The Amazing Spiderman had to jump on the bandwagon of grim, and wasn't simply allowed its own identity.

However, that's not to say that there's nothing to like about this film. In fact, contrary to all of the above I did actually quite enjoy it. For a start I think that Andrew Garfield may in fact be my new favourite Peter Parker. That's even despite a post film conversation with a friend who insisted Spiderman had in fact just been played by tennis loser Tim Henman. Garfield may not look 17 but he certainly doesn't seem as ancient as the 28 year old actually is. With this and The Social Network on his CV Garfield is starting to get typecast as an underdog who gets bitch slapped by the super geek. I know that Zuckerberg technically isn't as evil as a giant rampaging lizard but that doesn't make him any less dangerous or creepy.

In fact I would say that overall the cast is slightly better than in Raimi's versions. Particularly when it comes to Aunt May who, when played by Rosemary Harris, was more irritating than having crabs on your gooch. It's not that I didn't like her but if I was Peter there'd be no way I could live in that house without smothering her in her bed and then blaming it on old lady cot death. In comparison, Sally Field does a good job by appearing more like a parental auntie and less like the previously manipulative grandma death.

Martin Sheen also does a good job of playing the doomed rice maker Uncle Ben. Although his character is at a little strict at times, he kind of gets away with it for simply being Martin Sheen. If he has the strength to chop up a fat slab of Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now then he's clearly a man to be listened to. To be fair as well who can blame him for being a harsh parent? Two of his children are Emilio Estevez and Charlie Sheen. If he didn't lay down the law with Peter then he too might end up as either a dullard or a junkie. Having said that I would quite enjoy watching a Spiderman film in which Parker is stood on top of a roof stoned off his tits, waving a machete in the air and drinking tiger blood.

As villains go Rhys Ifans is okay as Curt Conners even though he is basically playing the same type of person as Alfred Molina did in Spiderman 2. If somebody has to play a character that looks like two fingers being flicked up at the patiently ditched Dylan Baker then I guess Ifans does a good job. In honesty, I haven't seen him in too many films and so I am always slightly surprised by how good an actor he actually is. I'm not sure how Conners lost his arm but knowing Ifans real life shambolic appearance I would assume it was in a similar way to how Leto lost his in Requiem for a Dream.

In terms of the film’s style I think it's fairly obvious that Marc Webb is no Sam Raimi. I really love 500 days of Summer but unfortunately there is none of that quirkiness here. Webb lacks the kinetic insanity that’s made Raimi what he is and so this film’s action is a little less exhilarating. By losing Raimi we also unfortunately lose the talking chin of irony that is Bruce Campbell. Although this may be slightly made up for with Stan Lee's best cameo so far. At this point Lee is 89 years old which in my opinion is more than enough of an excuse to stop investing in Save the Whale and start funding the immortality pill.

Luckily what Webb does have to save him with this film is in his correcting of Raimi's biggest mistake. This bit is going to be slightly spoilerific so if you haven't seen The Amazing Spiderman it might be time to stop reading and get back to watching porn. For those who can save the wank for another few minutes, the film’s initiative is in simply not having the Lizard die. To avoid rebooting these things every other week then murdering all the characters might be something to avoid. As Curt Conners only ends up in jail then perhaps we might avoid having to go through this story again and simply continue the franchise by recasting every few years.

If I have one more criticism of this film then it's during a scene in which Conners drinks a fresh cup of tea by holding the mug with his bare hand. Now unless his palms are made out of volcanic rock I have no idea how he fucking did that without burning himself. It might seem an odd thing to notice, but balls to it, I'm English. We notice mistakes with tea in the same way that the yanks notice mistakes with guns. I guess it's just part of who we are. If however you can cope with these blasphemously offensive beverage errors then I think the film is worth a watch.

There might be a fair bit wrong with it but then there's also a fair bit wrong with Lindsay Lohan. Overall though and given an opportunity they are both definitely worth a ride.

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That Loki Fucker Will Rue The Day!

 This is a big film and thus a big blog- read on only if you have seen the film or don’t mind some minor spoilers.

Like an arrogant David Blaine, God was pretty smug about bringing Jesus back from the dead. It was a brilliant trick to be fair, but not overly impressive when compared to the miracle Joss Whedon performed in resurrecting Firefly. Serenity was a genuinely brilliant film that featured great humour, action and characters. Unfortunately though, any chances for a sequel were destroyed when the movie was only seen by about nine and a half people. Considering it made approximately £14.20 back I can't help but think Whedon would have made more money by sticking his hand down the sofa and digging around for loose change.

A Calm Jason Statham

Thankfully though, Marvel are smart people and have been matching their movies with the perfect directors. Thor required someone who could handle the camp sub-Shakespearean themes and so they hired Kenneth Branagh. For The Incredible Hulk they got Louis Leterrier, a man most famous for directing the shaven headed, rage monkey that is Jason Statham and thus a larger, greener version would surely come naturally. With The Avengers they needed someone who could not only spin a lot of plates at once but would also be able to keep all the fans happy. Short of hiring a geeky whore with a mechanized wank-hand, Joss Whedon was probably the only name that could step up to the plate and provide the nerds with so much pleasure – he did not disappoint.

Loki's Darker Days

The film starts with Loki stealing the Transformers’ Allspark and pissing off somewhere with it to cause some troublesome shit. Nick 'Motherfucking' Fury is therefore tasked with formulating a plan to defend earth from Asgard's cunning- and better looking- version of Withnail. 

Shaft Fury - Best Porno Title Ever

The one-eyed Shaft (not an innuendo) therefore spends the first half of the movie rounding up any stray heroes from previous films creating the comic-book equivalent of Super Smash Bros Melee. Basically, this is all your favourite characters in one place kicking the living fuck out of each other, but with the added bonus of a typically witty Whedon-esque script.

Helping Fury to recruit his gang is Scarlett Johansson who, for some reason, bothers travelling the world to find her target. All she'd have to do is text those leaked pictures of her arse to Bruce Banner with an address and I can guarantee it, him and his big green dick would be there in seconds. Admittedly, if he's aroused, the phrase 'Hulk smash!' would seem somewhat more intimidating, but fuck it- the world's in danger- she should take one for the team.

It's nice to be outside, sometimes.

By the time the group has formed, Loki Withnail is chilling out in a fish tank and they're all bickering like a super-gang of comic-book fannies. Whedon is on record for saying that he wanted them to behave like a dysfunctional family, however the banter is a little more like The Simpsons than the Fritzl's- I don't know what fuel is used to power the invisible plane’s furnace but I'm going to assume it's probably not German babies... apart from anything, Chinese ones are much less complicated to get hold of.

... Wind your neck in, Liz.

Like an office day-out, this film is all about the heroes learning to work together as a team but that's not to say they don't have an army to fight against, too. Like a (probably) gay passenger of the Titanic, Loki Withnail's basic plan is to become king of the world which is fine by me. If we have to have a monarch, I'd rather one that had fought for the position rather than just having been born into it. By just asking, we could have put him in a jousting tournament with the Queen. As is well documented, old Lizzie can still snap a pheasant’s neck so I'm sure she could deal with a mischievous demi-God. If Princess Diana's car crash proved anything it's that she's still shit-hot with a sniper rifle and blatantly doesn't give a fuck. 

With this in mind, the Asgardian coward wisely decided against it and so instead gathered himself a bitch-army of Aliens from the rocky planet of Uber-Bland.

The second half of this film is therefore balls-to-the-wall action. Thor hammers, Hulk smashes and Black Widow lunges vagina first like a sexy, neck snapping, face hugger. The action here is exactly the opposite of Transformers 3, with The Avengers being more character driven than cog-smashingly shite. With Michael Bay's CGI turd-fest, it's hard to care about anything that's going on because all of the characters are just like him... under-developed, clichéd and soulless.

With The Avengers however, each action ‘beat’ shows the team and how they have begun to mesh. The fighting develops their personalities and progresses the story justifying every second of screen time. There's a tracking shot near the end that zooms from hero to hero, showing each performing their individual role. Not only is it exhilaratingly brilliant, it's also basically the moment that the last few years have been building towards. This is quality, as opposed to just being an overpriced video-game cut scene from the mind of a talentless, rent-o-cunt who just wants to ‘cluster fuck’ himself onto the Sunday Times’ Richest Prick list.

Case in point...

The main reason for this costumed quality is of course that Whedon is simply not a hack director. Although his success on the big screen has been limited, this latest work contains traits that are recognisably his. For a start, the movie is truly an ensemble piece with no one character taking the lead. Obviously with Tony Stark bleeding charisma from his ex-junkie veins, there was a risk that this could unintentionally slip into becoming Iron Man and His Shadow of Forgettable Bitches. However Whedon avoids this by simply allowing the other characters to be just as interesting. Nick Fury is inevitably cooler than a polar bear’s bell-end and Jeremy Renner is as watchable here as when playing “fuck my life” with a huge cunt of a bomb in The Hurt Locker.

You see my point...

In fact, for me the new characters were the most interesting people simply because I wanted to get to know them as well as I do the others. Many people have been saying that Hulk steals the show and although for me that wasn't quite the case, he was still brilliant. Third time ‘round and they've finally got the menstrual snot-beast spot on with the simple key being to hire Mark Ruffalo. By having him physically portray and facially resemble the monster, there is a connection there that has in the past been noticeably missing. In previous cases, it was as though Chopper would fuck off for a twenty-minute cup of tea whilst some mouldy man-frog smashed shit up. Now finally we believe that Bruce Banner can steroid himself green and go on a stomping fuck-off rampage.

You can't see it but his mini-Mal is out.

Another characteristic of Mr. Whedon is to imply the threat of the film’s villain by killing someone off. Serenity 2 doesn't exist not because of financial issues, but because there's only about two fucking characters left. If he were to make it, the storyline would just be Captain Mal wanking and crying because all of his friends are dead and he's got nothing better to do. Whedon applies the same trick here too by offing an important but disposable character. I won't ruin who it is, but if you don't look like an A-list actor, chances are you’re already on borrowed time. Although the death isn't quite as emotional as when Jean Gray popped Professor X like a fucking party balloon, it is still quite a bit of a moment.

The Star-Spangled Man

The Avengers isn't a perfect film but considering the difficulties of what was required, it is the best we could have hoped for. Thor's appearance is a little sudden with the explanation smacking a little of Asgardian bullshit. I can't remember the muttered reasoning for his appearance but it may as well be that, “one jizzed oneself here by sliding down through the shiny realm of Sphincterlube”. Captain America too has had a slight suit change- in his own film, the costume served the purpose of boosting morale and acting as a kind of armour. Here however it looks a little more like he's broken into a clothes shop and stolen a range of Marvel sponsored Captain America pyjamas. I'm pretty sure it has a buttoned hatch round the back for him to do his military-approved midnight crap.

Whilst we're nitpicking, Loki Withnail's Alien army was probably slightly too devoid of any individual personality. They weren't quite cardboard cut-outs but nor did they reach the memorability of Emperor Pope-a-tines witless Stormtroopers from the good half of Star Wars.

Enough of this silliness.

I also thought the way in which people who have been possessed regain their self-awareness was a little clichéd. Although the revelation came at the end of a fight, it was only slightly more cinematic than having a glass of water chucked in their face. In some defence though, Whedon does avoid most clichés by building them up and then stifling them with his typically smart-arse put downs. Kind of like the classic Serenity quote, “We have a little problem with our entry sequence, so we may experience some slight turbulence and then – explode”. His dialogue is typical of the genre but with a knowing and humorous twist.

In the end though, Whedon has managed to make a film that lives up to the hype. It's not retarded like the supposedly light Fantastic Four but nor is it as serious as the gritty Dark Knight. It's fun without being shit and serious without being depressing. I'm sure people who come straight to this film might be a little confused by some things. A gamma ray might sound like something that killed Steve Irwin and the Iron Man could be mistakenly thought to be Dennis Thatcher. However, for the rest of us with an ounce of geek in our DNA, this is the perfect blockbuster. It has thankfully been worth the wait and Whedon has proven that he really is the Pop-Culture God we all thought him to be. Also fuck yourselves, marketing people, it's The Avengers, not Avengers, Assemble! Anyone who goes to this film expecting to see Sean Connery and Uma Thurman is walking proof that Darwin was wrong.

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