4 November 2013

The Scum of the Universe?

Okay, so I'll say right now that it's going to be a pain in the tits to discuss Ender's Game without spoiling anything. The entire point of the film is more or less revealed during its conclusion which pretty much makes it a proper bollock-ache to talk about. Anybody who’s seen the masterpiece that is A Serious Man will know exactly what I mean by this... anyone who hasn't needs to sort their lives out and see it right the-fuck away. If you've not seen Ender's Game yet then don't worry because I'm like a smack-addict were blog hits are concerned and so will write this to suit everybody. I know you didn't need to know this but just like when Lucius Fox invented a cure to the Scarecrows fear toxin, I just want you to be aware of the fucking effort that I'm putting in.

So I guess we should get the controversy out of the way at the beginning... Orson Scott Card is the author of the original book that the new film Ender's Game is based on and he's a cunt. As it turns out he's a massive fucking homophobe who seems to have upset quite a few people with his stupidly shit views on same sex relations. To sum them up, he basically doesn't like the idea of people rubbing their matching genitals up against each other and that those who do “cannot be permitted to remain as acceptable, equal citizens within that society." He's also a full-on God botherer which I assume must be where this twattish outlook is coming from. Personally I couldn't give a turd about what the guy thinks because I really couldn't give a turd about him... but if I have to pick between the bullshit morals of an unproven God or the acceptance of ‘real love between two real humans’ then I'm afraid that the magical sky-man can go fuck himself. Sadly though, by disillusioning so many people, several groups have been loudly shouting for us to boycott the movie adaptation of this demented twat’s book. Despite this though, and as much as I can understand their anger, I guess this is a stance that I can't really condone either as I do believe that you really need to separate the art form the artist. Polanski's Chinatown is a masterpiece but that doesn't mean the film in anyway endorses the director’s previous hobby of doping up kids and then fucking them up the arse. I actually do have some advice on how to get around this problem but I'll save it until the end because firstly, this paragraph is getting way too long and secondly I can never think how to end these blogs. Anyway so prepare yourself for paragraph three where I think I'll talk about the films plot.

"So.. I see you're a scrawny slab of nothing..."
Ever the man of my word, the films plot takes place in the slightly distant future when an alien race has invaded Earth. In the book, the creatures are referred to as 'buggers' although thankfully because not everybody is a gay hating arse-maggot, that's not the case here. Luckily for us the alien invasion is halted when a heroic pilot flies straight into their Queen's mothership and suicide-bombs the shit out of her. Just like every other alien movie, it seems that despite their vast numbers all you have to do to kill them all is simply kill off their boss. If that is the case and you're an alien race that's smart enough to master intergalactic space travel then maybe next time leave the fucking Queen safely at home, hey? If my life depended solely on the survival of another then I'd have them securely locked up in my basement Joseph Fritzl-style and not paraded about in a war zone like a massive neon retard. Anyway a few years later we war-mongering humans are pretty paranoid that the aliens will soon return but with the advantage of now being fully pissed off. To prepare for this a scheme has been implemented in which kids that may prove useful are located and trained up to become child soldiers. I'm not sure who thought this would be a good idea but it's nice to see that America will eventually adopt the militaristic policies of Joseph Kony. Anyway, so at Battle School a lanky kid named Ender is discovered who, despite having legs that seem to go all the way up to his shoulders, is quickly believed to be “The One”. Although I've seen so many films about “The One” now that the term’s exclusivity seems to have been completely raped into meaninglessness. Because of this, Ender is therefore put through a series of rigorous tests to determine whether or not he can save us from being buggered by the buggers. After their initial defeat the aliens are still weak and yet to retaliate and so our plan is therefore to find a way of heroically kicking the shit out of them whilst they are both down and still vulnerable.

Okay so despite all the controversy, the main thing to say about this film is that regardless of all the clich├ęs I actually thought it was really good. I hadn't read the book, I didn't really remember the trailers and if anything I went in thinking that it probably wouldn't be worthy of Harrison Ford's nerdgasmic, sci-fi legacy. Well, I came out still thinking that too, to be honest, but although this might not be Blade Runner or Star Wars, that's not to say he doesn't elevate the thing by simply turning up. For the most part, the film is just Harry Potter in space where our fate depends on the adventures of some pale young gonk as he attends a suspiciously paedophile-free but magical boarding school. There's even a gravity-free room here in which everybody floats about playing a dumbed down version of Quidditch. Although considering that the rules of actual Quidditch are about as complicated as a Victorian tarts’ anal pubes, this is really no bad thing. However, what is predominantly an averagely good film is donkey-punched into being a hell of a lot more interesting by a game-changing last act twist. Ender's Game deals with the morality of war, what it means to be human, the battle between ethics and victory, the merits of genocide and the theft of childhood. For a film that's based on the works of such a prejudiced fuckwit there is also a surprisingly blatant theme of tolerance present here as well. Like Starship Troopers before it, Ender's Game is further proof that a book shat out of a twats mind can still make an unrelatedly entertaining movie.

"You're the fucking problem you fucking Dr. White honkin' jam-rag
fucking spunk-bubble!"
Starring in the lead role of Ender is Asa Butterfield who has to have the dandiest fucking name I've ever heard. However considering the complexity of the character, he doesn't do too badly for someone so young. Not only does Ender have the burden of humanities survival resting on his frail cracker shoulders but he's also got his own sanity to deal with as he tries to decide whether he's a leader or a sociopath. I won't say he's great in the role but other than a de-pubified DeNiro, I think a lot of people would struggle with such a range. Like I said before, Harrison Ford is as great as you'd expect him to be, being both stubborn and sort of understandable despite the curse of a fairly two dimensional character. There's a bunch of other kids too but most of them are fairly forgettable leaving only a vague memory of irritation. The girl from True Grit was alright I guess but as a devout hater of children I'd still keep her shackled up in an attic until she was old enough to be interesting. Viola Davis is somebody that's usually really good but was given fairly little to do beyond argue ethics with Harrison Ford and then storm out like a trampled wife whose realised the dinner is burning. This therefore only leaves Ben Kingsley to leave an impression which is obviously achieved when he opens his mouth and reveals the random fucking accent of the week that he's been playing with. It's also amusing to see that despite the extremism of his Darth Maul-style face tattoos, Sir Ben is still maintaining that bald head and goatee combo that he's been rocking since the dawn of time.

I guess the only thing left to mention is the action and quality of special effects which here are both capable and engaging. I mention the effects only because director Gavin Hood’s previous film was X-men Origins: Wolverine which looked so bad it was like the CG had been shat out of a pixel factory during national 'fuck-up at work day'. It also goes without saying that Ender's Game is significantly better written than Hood’s previous film although that's probably obvious considering that a fat man could produce a better script if he farted a few pebbles across a keyboard. I was a little confused about why they were rearing child soldiers when adults could just as easily do the job. However, because I'm in a generous mood I'll assume that must be because I missed something and not because the film didn't explain enough as to why this was the case. The action is as engaging as any half decent action film ever is although it does lack the jizzy-rainbow of imagination that made Pacific Rim such an artistic twat-hammer to the eyes.

I understand that people don't want to see this film because they don't want their hard earned cash going into the original authors grubby, hate-filled pockets, but due to its brain, discussions on morality, themes of tolerance and Harrison-fucking-Ford I do think that the film deserves to be seen. The news hitting the web right now suggests that Card won't receive a penny of the films profits which, if true, is surely enough of a reason to at least not intentionally boycott it anyway. If however that's still not enough for you then here is my potential solution that I promised you earlier on. Say you spend about £9ish on a cinema ticket then why not also/instead simply post a steaming pile of dog shit to Card’s house? That way you get to see the film and he'll spend the money he may have made on carpet cleaner and air-freshener. Maybe this doesn't sound harsh enough considering that he basically has a Hitler-esque hate for a large portion of members of our species, however there was this one time that my dog sprayed a chocolaty soup of shite onto the kitchen floor that was so fucking rancid that cleaning it up caused my Dad to unexpectedly expel a mouthful of vomit down himself. I promise you that watching that was both the funniest and lowest moment of my entire life. Ugh, see even after setting myself up for an easy end this still doesn't feel conclusive enough because that last bit wasn't really about the film. I guess therefore I'll just give up and say that the next sentence will be the actual end of this week’s blog. And ever the man of my word, it is.

Follow this blog or I'll fucking cut you.

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