21 July 2014

Who Will We Become?

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Who the fuck ever knows what they want to do with their lives? Obviously I know what I'd like to do but, unless you happen to know of a private island that treats its bloggers to blowjobs then I guess I'll have to head back to the drawing board. How To Train Your Dragon 2 is all about this train of thought, with the lead character ‘Hiccup’ also struggling to find his place in the world. Having said that, it is interesting to see just how his situation differs to mine. When I was unemployed, my Mum genuinely suggested that I become an escort for lonely old women whilst a close friend actually recommended that I start “performing” for cash on a webcam. Both Hiccup and I are at a point in our lives where we just feel a bit directionless however at no point here does this film present him with the only two choices that I had. Will he fuck the hell out of some ageing, wrinkled tarts or will he wank himself stupid for some dirty old men? No... he'll just hang out with his dragon and explore a fantasy land until he figures it all out. What a prick!
How To Train Your Dragon came out a few years ago and was obviously fucking brilliant. For those who don't know, it was basically just a child-friendly remake of Brokeback Mountain in which two friends head out into the woods to enjoy their forbidden relationship. Although in this case it was a young Viking and an injured dragon and not just a couple of cowboys that are looking to get bummed. By the time of the sequel however, it seems that the entire village is now out of the dragon-loving-closet with the characters getting as much pleasure from riding their beasts as an itchy fanny would in a dildo factory. Hiccup is expected to take over from his father as the clan’s leader however he seems reluctant to do so on the grounds that it's just not who he is. I guess who he actually is though is a work shy fucktard as he instead prefers to just fly around with his dragon ‘Toothless’ whist having fun. With his one leg missing, I can only assume that the disability benefits of Berk are pretty hefty. Luckily though, this pissing-about works out for the best when he accidentally and completely by coincidence stumbles into the films plot. I sort of don't want to say really because it all seems a bit spoilery- but then, it's in the trailer so.. fuck it, I guess? Basically, he finds the Mum that he thought had been killed when he was a baby in one place and some evil fucko's giant dragon army in another. His Mum has apparently been living with the dragons for almost twenty years having decided that they're more important to her than her own child. Hmm... a runaway Mum, a young man who refuses to look for a job and a collection of freakish reptilian monsters? Sounds like ‘Jeremy Kyle the Movie’ to me! As for the dragon army... well, I won't spoil anything there except to say that it's on its way to Berk and is controlled by some mad bastard with an attitude problem. 

You can smell the sexual chemistry a mile off...
Anyway, I think we should cut to the chase by simply saying that How To Train Your Dragon 2 is just brilliant. Before we went into the cinema, the ticket lady told us to make sure that we had plenty of tissues which was odd because I don't usually toss off during kids films. Luckily though, I don't think that this is a kid’s film really. I mean, I'm not saying that you shouldn't take your younger children to see it because, fuck it, I like the idea of them being traumatised, but I wouldn't really say it was appropriate. As with pretty much every sequel since The Empire Strikes Back, this movie is a lot darker than its predecessor which is probably no coincidence. Like Star Wars, the first movie was about a young farmboy-type-chap becoming a hero and so part two is about putting him to the test by making his life shit. What's interesting though is that things don't just get difficult by having the villain threaten Hiccup with violence with the drama instead being much more emotional than that. I mean, there are so many opportunities here to test Hiccup’s role as a hero by simply introducing his bollocks to a couple of rocks and yet instead the film constantly tortures him with his relationships instead. Over the course of two films now, Hiccup has been growing closer to his father, his dragon and now we have his Mum too! He also has a girlfriend although I think she might just be a phase as he barely seems to give a fuck about her. I think he gives her a kiss once, but for the most part she's more of a friend that just happens to have tits. However, as for the other three people in his life, I think it's a testament to the film that not only is his relationship with them tested but that it's actually ridiculously emotional. Obviously I didn't cry or anything but I was glad that I had my wanking tissues just in case.

In fact, even though this film is about Vikings who fly dragons, I'd say it's the relationships that make it what it is. God- let's just enjoy that idea again for a split second... Vikings that fly dragons... Wow... They would have the raping power of a million Mike Tysons combined. Anyway, despite this film being elevated by the richness of its characters, that's not to say that the spectacle isn't also brilliant- the action is great too, and what's not impressive about seeing an army of dragons? In fact, I suggest you watch this film on the largest screen you can find just because of how big some of these creatures really are. The design of both them and the whole movie too is particularly impressive with the film’s style really being the only reason that I can think of as to why it should be animated. It might look like a children's film because of all the bright colours but I promise that this is just as much an adventure movie as something like Star Wars, Pirates of The Caribbean or The Lord of The Rings. It's also impressive to see that somebody has managed to get a really good performance out of Gerard Butler who, let’s face it, isn't usually the best actor in the world. If you want a Scotsman who looks confused as to whether he's in a drunken rage or having a stroke, then I guess he's your guy. But here however, I'd argue that Butler's character is perhaps the emotional heart of the film and a brilliant example of how to subvert a cliché. His character is stubborn and overly masculine, however his reaction to the living mother was completely unexpected and sent the film in a completely different direction to what you might expect.

On the downside though, I think that Drago, the villain of the piece, is probably a little under-developed. Again, he looks cool and the voice acting by Djimon Hounsou is as colourful as you'd expect from both him and this series however there's just something missing compared to all of the other characters. It's almost as if he's only there because the film kind of needs to have a villain and so ‘fuck it’, he'll do. Having said that, there was one scene which kind of explained his backstory in which I was mildly distracted so perhaps I'm being too harsh. I saw this film in the cinema and just as it was explaining who he was, some mad ginger that I didn't know just stood up on her chair and started waving her hands in front of the projector because she thought she “saw a fly”… True story. Oh, and I guess my other issue with the movie which turned out not to be an issue at all was in how I thought it was going to end. Don't worry, I won't spoil anything but some nasty shit goes down near the conclusion and then the film really starts to slow in pace. Suddenly we get voice-overs and heroic shots of people standing in the sunlight and for a worrying moment I thought we might be going out on a cliff hanger. It fucking pisses me off when I pay full price and only get half a story so I was on the edge of my seat and mulling over what tone I'd shout “fuck off” at the screen when the credits came up. I know The Empire Strikes Back pulled the same shit and got away with it but at least that had the good grace to be one of the greatest films of all time! However, as it turns out, the rest of the film kicked in and we ended up with a film that treats us to a satisfyingly complete three act structure. So you know... that's good at least!

If only we could all chill out and get high all the time...
So yeah, check How To Train Your Dragon 2 out if you haven't already because I loved it and so I don't see why you wouldn't either. It's not the best film that's been out this year but I do have at least one friend who claims it is and so fuck it, I guess one of us must be right. For me, the highlight was in seeing Hiccup struggle to come to terms with the uncertainty of life and slowly realising that being alive can be pretty shit at times. Obviously he finds his place a lot faster than I personally seem to be but I suppose that's because, although it's not a kids film, they are still the target audience and my mind might be a bit too grim for them. I'm not saying that we necessarily get a happy ending here but simply that considering Hiccup and I are both faced with the same amount of uncertainty regarding our existence, he seems to make a lot less suicide jokes. Anyway, the oven is about ready for me to stick my fucking pointless head into now, so I'll end it here by simply saying for the hundredth time that this film was great and I can no longer wait for part three. Thanks for reading, motherfuckers, and see you next time!


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  1. awesome article for an awesome film - though this was hilarious and I agreee that Stoick was the heartof the film! so glad you enjoyed it too!

    1. Thank you! Have you seen Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes? If so you should check back here tomorrow!