11 November 2013

Hammer Time



As you may have noticed we're all in a bit of trouble at the minute with planet Earth having spunked most of its money up the wall. Because of the deliciously titled ‘Credit Crunch’ a lot of people are having huge difficulty finding work and for a long time I was grimly among them. I can promise you that not being able to secure a job is one of the worst experiences that I've ever had to endure and I say this as a person who has also once had to have a catheter shoved up their knob. I applied for every job that I could find without any prejudice as to how shit it might actually be. I even applied to be a Supermarket Santa despite my CV lacking the obvious requirement of me being a known paedophile. What was most annoying though was that it seemed to me that the only way to get hired for anything was to be a child of somebody who could offer a job. If you didn't start life being shot out of the employers’ genitals then it felt like your application would go instantly into a pile labelled, “Not A Bastards Chance”.

With all this in mind I have to admit that for me the Thor franchise may have the most relevant and brilliant message of any Marvel film so far.  Odin is the King of Fantasy-Land with his title one day being passed onto one of his two sons. The job is basically Thor's but he's not sure if he wants it and although Loki is embarrassingly desperate, he's pretty much been told to go fuck himself. I know this is a world of robots, alien Gods and pasty-faced elves but if you look closely you'll see that the biggest turd poking out of the arse-hole of trouble is still nepotism. If the job of being King was passed on to the right candidate and not simply the right son, Loki would never have had a titty fit about his ‘birthright’ and therefore never would have killed all those innocent people. If this had been the case then neither Loki nor Thor would have gone to Earth and the Avengers would never have been formed. So literally everything that now happens in the Marvel Cinematic Universe will only be because some cunts only give jobs to their bratty fucking kids!

Eyes like piss-holes in the snow.
The latest entry in the series is Thor: The Dark World which any intellectuals reading will deduce is a sequel to Thor and a kind of a semi-sequel to what the UK rather shitely knows as Avengers Assemble. This time around, Thor is out restoring peace to various worlds by relentlessly, undiplomatically slaughtering any troublemakers whilst Loki remains peacefully imprisoned back at home in a plastic twat-tank. At the same time there's also a puddle of demonic black jizz hidden in the universe that an evil albino elf is trying to locate so that he can more expertly express himself through the art of being a massive angry shit. Oh and there's also a million other little subplots pissing about throughout too such as Kat Dennings befriending an intern with all the skill and grace of an autistic and Stellan Skarsgard's multiple attempts at flashing his cock. I suppose the most important distraction though is Natalie Portman's relationship with Thor. Despite only spending a limited amount of time together in the first film, she is still obsessively praying for him to return like a frumpy housewife that's desperately waiting up for her boozehound husband.

So firstly I'm happy to confirm that the film was really good. If you've enjoyed Marvel's output over the last few years then I'm sure you'll like this too and if not then I sadly can't guarantee that we'll be able to remain friends any longer. One thing that really pisses me off about some films is the way in which they expect you to know shit before going in. For me, a movie really needs to be a complete experience and shouldn't rely on you having seen previous instalments, read the books, sat on the merchandised dildo or done any other unnecessary fucking homework to enjoy it. The genius of Marvel is that so far they've just about managed to walk that dickish knife-edge of producing standalone films that still further an ongoing story. If you've seen all of their previous films then this will of course be a more rewarding experience for you but if you've not and this is your first then you'll still survive being dropped in. Oh, and if this is your first Marvel film and you've managed to avoid the hyped, well-received and financially successful series, I guess the only thing I would ask is... What the fuck?

Thor 2: Probing The Dark World
One of the many ways that Marvel Studios have managed to remain so fresh is by generally avoiding making the same film twice. They've done period action, sci-fi espionage, alien invasion, camp-fantasy, and now err, well I guess a grittier-but-still-camp sci-fi-fantasy? I'm hoping that by the time they get to a Black Widow spin-off, they've run out of new genres and so for the sake of originality have to dabble in hardcore pornography. The first Thor movie had a kind of Flash Gordon vibe running through it however this sequel actually has a much muddier kind of earthy thing going on. Something tells me that the sudden loss of pantomime is probably thanks to the hiring of Game of Thrones director Alan Taylor having lost the previous films slightly less subtle Gilderoy Lockhart. Taylor both continues and expands the world that Branagh created with the results being eye bleedingly good. It's also worth noting that the sci-fi element has really been ramped up here too. People ride in weird flying lazer boats and elves are armed with both swords and fuck-off rocket launchers. In fact I'd like to say that the whole design of the film is possibly the most impressive thing about the entire movie. I'd like to say that but due to a balls up at the cinema, I was forced to see Thor: The Dark World in 3D and to put it mildly, it looked shite. Everything was slightly blurry as though I was watching it through a filter of jizz and the whole thing was also so fucking dark that I'd jump every-time I heard the booming voice of the always amazing Idris Elba. 

In terms of the film itself though, I guess my only issue really would be with the underdevelopment of a couple of characters. Like I mentioned, Natalie Portman does basically nothing other than get into trouble, wait to be shagged and spout out exposition. If you’re not a fan of bullshit science in which people run around with the phlange-o-meter whilst shouting about the location of Smeg-gasm's then prepare to be annoyed with this. The main baddie here is also pretty crap which is a shame because he's played by Christopher Eccleston who’s usually really good. However all he has to do is stomp about under layers of prosthetics and mumble in a made-up language and so his character ends up with about as much personality as a stale, puddle of dog piss. Loki is obviously around to pick up the slack and seems as he's become such a cult character over the years it does seem like a lot more time has been spent crafting his significantly wittier dialogue. This isn't a problem just yet but there's only so many times that he can be relied on before fatigue sets in and a fresh ‘quim’ becomes essential.

The action in the film is as entertaining as you'd hope and like Iron Man 3 it even manages to be funnier than most of the actual comedies that get dribbled out from the lazy cock-end of Hollywood. The final showdown here is also a great mixture of fighting and humour as Thor gets more laughs from his hammer than British TV-tit Timmy Mallet ever managed in his entire 'career'. The plot is a tiny bit on the crud side with more holes than a specialist brothel for fans of conjoined twins and there are at least a few moments in which shit happens simply because of a miraculous coincidence. Thor's arc too is kind of similar to Superman's in Superman 2 in which he must choose between his responsibilities and the love of his life. Although considering that his girlfriend here is Natalie Portman, that really isn't much of a choice. Along with a depressing amount of others, Portman is very near the top of my long list of, 'women I'm in love with that wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire'. Thor: The Dark World isn't the best film of the year but it's still really good and unless you're inconvenienced by the kindness of death then I’d strongly recommend going to see it. Just if you do go then make sure you see it in 2D as it was originally filmed. I promise that where cinema is concerned, films that are retro-fitted to 3D like this really are the artistic equivalent of and as painful as having someone stamp on your cock.  

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