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So I went to see Roger Moore on stage
recently and, as an obsessive Bond fan, I couldn't have been more excited. When
I found out I had tickets, I was on the floor and wailing in the way that
racists imagine foreign women do when their children are killed. I once applied
for a Job at MI6 simply because of my love of the franchise and under the
assumption that spies spend most of their time drinking, gambling and fucking
women that have a history in the sex industry, or at the very least are a bit
thick. Turns out they were looking for a person who was more into analysing
data than ‘keeping the British end up’ which was a shame, and I'm sure it'll
come as no surprise for you to learn that I didn't get the job. No idea how I
didn't fulfil the criteria they were looking for though because I'm 6ft,
British, slim, and even have the right coloured fucking hair. I mean, sure I
probably failed every one of their online tests before blabbing to anyone who'd
listen that I was applying for my licence to kill but fuck it, at least I'm not
blonde!