The Golden Circle Of Life

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A little while ago I heard an interview in which director Matthew Vaughn said that he'd dreamt up a scenario for Mark Strong's character in his Kingsman sequel that was so batshit and insane that he'd have to ask the actor's permission before committing to the idea. Considering quite how insane the first movie got in which Pride And Prejudice's dashing Mr Darcy fucked up a church full of arse-holes to the sound of both 'Freebird' and a lisping Samuel L Jackson, this seemed like quite a statement for Vaughn to make. Having now seen Kingsman: The Golden Circle I feel I can confirm too that his idea was literally off the charts in its insanity. So off the charts in fact that I actually have no idea as to what it might have been because presumably Mark Strong told him “Err.. no”. From start to finish I spotted literally nothing in this movie that Mark Strong's character did in which you'd assume the director would need permission before writing it into the script. Especially when you consider that Strong only recently appeared in the shite film Grimsby in which his character had to hide up one elephant's vagina as another elephant stuck its cock in, started the special cuddle that people in love do, and then finally jizzed all over him.

A Loose Bond

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So I went to see Roger Moore on stage recently and, as an obsessive Bond fan, I couldn't have been more excited. When I found out I had tickets, I was on the floor and wailing in the way that racists imagine foreign women do when their children are killed. I once applied for a Job at MI6 simply because of my love of the franchise and under the assumption that spies spend most of their time drinking, gambling and fucking women that have a history in the sex industry, or at the very least are a bit thick. Turns out they were looking for a person who was more into analysing data than ‘keeping the British end up’ which was a shame, and I'm sure it'll come as no surprise for you to learn that I didn't get the job. No idea how I didn't fulfil the criteria they were looking for though because I'm 6ft, British, slim, and even have the right coloured fucking hair. I mean, sure I probably failed every one of their online tests before blabbing to anyone who'd listen that I was applying for my licence to kill but fuck it, at least I'm not blonde!