A Girl In Love

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Weddings are a funny old thing when you think about them. On the off chance that your loved one ever finds out that you're a shitty person then a marriage is just the contract that will make it harder for them to fucking leave. It's exactly the same as taking a hostage, but if you'd decided to play the long game instead of doing the honest thing of simply bursting out of a van and throwing a sack over their fucking head. Ready Or Not is the latest film to deal with a marriage that goes instantly wrong when the bride's wedding night turns out to be a little more hardcore than she'd anticipated. For most people, this would probably involve finding out that your partner has a big old swinging cock where you'd previously hoped to find an undrawn set of beef curtains. Ugh. That was a horrible sentence to write. But in the case of Ready Or Not, the bride finds herself running around a large mansion whilst her new husband's family attempt to kill her with axes, crossbows, and shotguns. Still. It could be worse. During medieval times it was a Scottish tradition for the bride and groom to have sex right after the vows as both of their entire families would stand around and watch them. If I have to endure an embarrassing scenario in which my family witness how I deal with a 'gaping axe wound', I'd probably prefer being fucking murdered, if I'm honest.

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Death Has Returned To This Little Town

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I love the director John Carpenter as much as little fat kids love to eat at McDonald's and as much as McDonald's loves to get rich off their slow descent into a life of diabetes. His original 1978 Halloween was essentially the very first slasher film if you were to ignore 1974's Black Christmas and his scores cause me to feel an emotion that my fellow humans have assured me is called happiness. When it was announced that another Halloween film was being made, I couldn't really have given less of shit. All of the sequels had been pretty fucking bad up until that point and I would rather stick my head in the fucking oven than sit through Rob Zombie's pointless fucking remakes. However, when it was then announced that it'd be from the director of Pineapple Express and written by the comedy actor Danny McBride, I became a little curious. Kind of like when you go to a show in Amsterdam and you see all of the props that a performer is about to insert into themselves. I was confused as to what they might be aiming to achieve and I was scared that I wouldn't like whatever might eventually hit the big screen in front of me. But I was also kind of intrigued and a little excited to see what might happen anyway.

Defending Yourself From Nutters

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I was talking to a friend a little while ago about horror films and we seemed to have a differing opinion on what frightened us the most. He was afraid of ghosts because he wouldn't know how to defend himself from one whereas I'm afraid of intruders because I'm a grown up and so I know which of the two really exist. I keep a baseball bat next to my bed and believe me I have no intention of using it to play fucking sports with. It's there for one simple reason and that is to defend myself from some knobhead who might break into my room and attempt to steal my possessions or touch my winkle or whatever. Nor by the way will I be using it to try and cripple the bastard by slamming it into their legs. If I find that somebody has broken in then I'm not taking any risks and so will be going exclusively for the head and bollocks. Not to sound paranoid but I essentially sleep next to a piece of wood that I'm fully prepared to kill somebody with. I'm sure the reality would be that I'd freeze with fear and just piss myself but, you know... A boy can dream.