19 June 2016

Heroes In A Half Film

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Having been born during the arse end of the 80's, I spent my toddling years being shunted around a variety of Ninja Turtle-themed childrens' birthday parties. Although, don't ask me what made that franchise so popular at the time. I suppose with both their mutated green skin and the hardened shell-like tumours on their back, the Ninja Turtles were simply a great way to prepare us for the possibility of a nuclear attack. Anyway, a close chum of mine experienced a similarly green social life at that age with him even being lucky enough to have an actual cake made for him which featured one of the titular heroes in its design. The problem was that the food colouring required to make the cake bright green fucked with his body and unintentionally turned his shit the same colour. To be fair, if my cold war theory is correct then nothing is going to prepare a young child more for the reality of living in a nuclear wasteland than discovering that they've just shat out a glowing green turd. Sadly, as much as I'd like to say that that was the biggest Ninja Turtle related shit to be released into the world, I can't. Not now that I've seen Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out Of The Shadows, anyway.

So the film starts with the turtles being introduced to us as Leo, Donnie, Raph, and Mikey. I guess their names have been abbreviated in order to make them seem a little cooler. However I don't think that James Bond is cool because of his name, but rather it's because of all the cool shit that he does. If the makers of this film wanted their characters to be cool then instead of pissing about with their names, perhaps not having them act like a bunch of bell-ends might have been an idea. I think they're trying to make them seem funny, but rather than the kind of funny that makes you laugh, it's actually the kind of funny that makes you want to rip out your eyes in order to shove them into your own fucking ears. I appreciate that they're meant to be teenagers, and in reality most teenagers are a bunch of shit-talking idiots. However the problem is that here the turtles aren't even believable teenagers. It's as though they've been written by somebody who only knows what a teenager is from a description of Bill And Ted that they once heardAnyway, the turtles are basically trying to fight their arch-enemy Shredder without realising that he's also teamed up with Krang. That's basically the story here. For those who don't know, Shredder is like a big, shiny Ninja, and Krang is the alien that looks like a badly swollen testicle.

This is my friend Kris. This is him at his trendiest
So obviously I fucking hated this movie, and although it's hard to know where to start, I guess we may as well begin with Michael Bay. He might not have directed this piece of shit movie but he did produce it, and as a result his greasy finger-prints are all over it. Whether it be the completely cynical and hollow tone, the lack of any visual style, or even its offensive use of casual misogyny, it all screams Michael fucking Bay. At one point Megan Fox is forced to get within close proximity of Tyler Perry, however rather than simply talking to him she randomly feels the need to flirt so hard that she may as well have just fucking gone down him. She then changes target and goes after some other guy in which she, equally randomly, decides to change costume on the fly. Because that's what you want in a movie for children... a scene in which we see Megan Fox strip off in slow-motion as she changes from her original persona of a blonde-wigged bimbo and into a semi-naked, slutty school-girl. I mean, what lesson are we learning here? If there's any young girls in the audience then don't bother paying attention in school. Just keep hold of the uniform and whenever you need anything just pop it on and find the nearest fucking bloke to throw your vagina around.

This is me. You can tell because I look fucking cool
I say it's a children's film however I think that's being seriously disrespectful to our children to expect them to actually put up with this shit. On at least two occasions the plot makes literally no fucking sense whatsoever, with the first taking place in a police station. The turtles have just been captured after breaking in by the police who have literally never seen our mutated reptilian heroes in their life. As a result, tensions are a little high with the police are attempting to arrest the turtles whilst they all freak out like a little boy who's just done a bright green poo. Just in the knick of time however, Megan Fox manages to run between the turtles and the police in order to scream something along the lines of “No, the turtles aren't the bad guys”, before turning to her friends and screaming “You guys go! Quickly!!” To which the turtles promptly obey, turning on their heels and scarpering. I mean-- what?! Sorry-- is that really how it works in America? If you're about to be arrested then you have a ten second window in which a friend is allowed to intervene, vouch for you, and then over-rule the arresting officer?! Because in reality I'm pretty sure what would really happen is that the turtles would still go to prison and Megan Fox would simply get shot in her stupid fucking head.

The other scene that annoyed me was one in which the vigilante character Casey Jones attempts to track down two of Shredder's goons. Jones heads down to a bar that his targets are known to frequent and from where we earlier saw that they had bought a couple of untraceable phones. Firstly, Jones walks in and smashes a CD copy of Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice that was playing on the jukebox. Despite the fact that most of us would have applauded the destruction of such an ear-shittingly awful piece of noise, the barman on duty seems rattled. Then things get real when Jones smashes a couple of glasses. I mean, I worked as a barman once and I'd smash a couple of glasses a shift just by accident... but coupled with the Vanilla Ice thing, this is genuinely enough to have the hardened barman.. you know the one that sells illegal tools to convicted and violent criminals..?! It's enough to have him on the verge of fucking tears. “I'm sure a man like you has a way of tracking two people like them?” Jones says before threatening to smash another glass. And rather than do the usual American thing of pulling a shotgun out from under the bar, or simply shrugging at the threat like I would have done, the barman admits “Yeah, I do”. He then pulls out a GPS tracker which reveals the location of his two clients. I mean, what the fuck? Why would he have that?! So he can sell them shit when they're in the middle of a job, or whilst they're sleeping?? I mean who is he? It's like the fucking hotdog seller in The Simpsons that follows Homer everywhere. It makes no fucking sense!!!

This is Graham. This was genuinely taken a few moments
before he did the bright green shit.
Those two scenes are just two examples of how little intelligence the movie assumes its audience has. I mean obviously kids are stupid, but to be as stupid as they're considered to be here they'd have had to have had their head slammed in a car door at least a good couple of times. Which is funny because that's sort of how I felt after watching this movie. Another example of how little faith the film has in humanity is in the fact that it literally explains every simple little thing over and over again. So you'll have Donnie say “Hey, we need to go to the basketball court so we can continue acting like irritating little twats”, to which Leo will say, “Yeah, let's do that, lets go to the basketball court to continue acting like irritating little twats!!” I heard you the first fucking time, film!!! And when not repeating what they've just said, they simply have the characters narrate the movie to the point that the screening for the visually impaired is completely fucking redundant. “Hey, look, there's the teleporter that we've come here to steal. Too bad it's being guarded by a woman with a sword. We'll probably have to either sneak past her or fight her”. I CAN SEE FOR MY FUCKING SELF YOU FUCKING PATRONISING GOBSHITES. Jesus Christ. I mean, where did the people that wrote this script learn their trade? Because by the end of the movie, they couldn't have done a worse job had they simply forced my friend to aim his anus at the screen and have him fire his shiny green turds like little shitty missiles.

And speaking of the end, it was at that point that the film began to break me. After having endured seeing some of the most insufferable characters ever waddle their way through this soulless wad of misogynistic propaganda, it concludes with an aerial battle above New York. How many times have we seen this? Seriously? There was a fight earlier on involving the turtles' vehicle which was so bland that it was beyond painful, however at least the vehicle was fairly novel. Obviously it was only novel in order for it to be able to be sold as a toy to the children whose money the filmmakers are desperately fucking after. But still... at least it can claim that if ever I want to see a garbage truck swinging nun-chucks with a pair of robotic arms.. which I never will.. then at least this is one of the few places that I could see that. But a third act battle above the skyscrapers of New York? Come on! That's been so badly done to death that it's out-doing Rasputin the-mad-fucking-monk in regards to things that just won't fucking die. Oh, and I know I'm swearing a lot here, but it's because as I get older, I find myself getting angrier and it's an effective way to get it out of my system. Also considering this children's movie uses the word 'shit' on at least a couple of occasions, I can only assume that nobody must mind swearing any more, anyway. So fuck it. Is this movie really as bad as I'm saying? Yes, it absolutely is. It's a big old green blob of shit, and like how a nervous child should avoid food colouring in a cake, I suggest that anybody with an ounce of sentience should avoid this fucking God-awful movie. Thanks for reading, motherfuckers, and see you next time.