24 April 2019

A Big Foot With A Big Sole

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I can't say I'm a huge believer in conspiracy theories, whether they are the existence of Nessie, Jesus, or Mickey Rourke, but there's always been something interesting about Big Foot to me. With his huge sloping forehead, hunched back, massive saggy tits, and almost humanoid squint, my friend Graham could be mistaken for our missing link. In fact, during my speech as his best man at his wedding, I went into further detail; “when Graham was in school he would quite literally get told off by the teachers for drinking rainwater from the puddles on the floor. And I think that we could have probably guessed that from looking at him. I don't mean to suggest that Graham is strange looking, and he looks very smart today, but Jesus. He's got a head that is the exact shape of a monkey nut, weird slitty nostrils like a snake, he doesn't have any lips, and his tiny little ears haven't grown since birth.” Despite all evidence to the contrary, however, my bizarre friend is, in fact, a human and therefore essentially fucking useless to me. Especially when considering, and as I went on to say in my speech, that “If this was Victorian England then I could wheel him around in a circus and make money from simply showing him off to people.” So, of course, I don't definitely believe in the existence of Big Foot but with friends like Graham I obviously can't entirely rule it out. 

You can, therefore, imagine my excitement at going to see the latest film Missing Link at the cinema this week. Not only was it a film specifically about finding Big Foot but it was also another stop-motion family movie from the geniuses at Laika Studios. In case you're not sure who they are then they're the animation Gods behind Kubo And The Two Strings, ParaNorman, The Box Trolls, and Coraline. And if you haven't seen any of those films then you really may as well have swapped out your eyes for fucking buttons by now. The only thing that was concerning me about seeing Missing Link was that it was half-term and I was going alone to see a children's film. So not only would the screening be packed with screaming children but I would almost definitely look like a paedophile as I sat amongst them. You can imagine my joy then when not only was the film incredible but the children in the crowd were also all so incredibly well behaved. In fact, there were two young boys a few seats along from me in which the older of the two had obviously taken his little brother to see the film alone. If that wasn't heartwarming enough though the film then made the little one giggle so much that it actually made his slightly older brother laugh too because of how much fun they were having together. This was actually happening before the film had even started as well, and so I may have taken a sneaky picture of them having fun to show my friends that there is still sweetness and joy in the world. Then I realised that I really do only have fucking myself to blame for looking like a paedophile now. Ah well.

The film itself is pretty simple in terms of its story with it essentially being a buddy movie between Hugh Jackman's English explorer Sir Lionel Frost and Zach Galifianakis's Big Foot Mr Link. Although that's not to say that there isn't a little bit of subtext in there about Britain's place in the world and how certain self-entitled Etonian wankers could do with a punch in their shrivelled up, posh-boy cocks. Frost is desperate to be a member of an all-boys club but struggling to gain acceptance from the leader that looks down his nose at him and his attempts to track down mythical creatures. Frost, therefore, makes a bet that if he can prove the existence of Big Foot then he has to be allowed into the group to which the leader agrees. So like so many upperty English wankers Frost essentially just sees his foreign friend Mr Link as a simple commodity that he can trade in exchange for a greater social standing. What a dickhead. Meanwhile, Mr Link is the last of his species in his area and so desperate to find more of his own kind elsewhere. He, therefore, makes a deal with Frost that if Frost can take him to the Himalayas to be with his Yeti family then he'll provide all the proof of his existence that the explorer needs. So they're basically both two characters that are looking for their place in the world as they adventure through an incredibly vivid and colourful series of exotic locations whilst meeting one eccentric person or creature after the other. If there's any plot hole to all of this it's simply that Mr Link is depressed and for some reason he thinks that meeting his family will be the thing that cheers him up. I know he won't have the exact same family as me but what a na├»ve fucking idiot. 

Of course, the two characters form a bond whilst on their journey, especially when they're joined by Frost's Ex-girlfriend and conscience Adelina played by Zoe Saldana. Well, I think she was his ex-girlfriend but I got slightly distracted by the joy of the giggling children in the audience when she arrived and so I slightly missed who she was. I mean her and Frost had definitely smashed genitals against each other at some point in the past but whether they were actually in love or had simply spent some time dicking each other beforehand I can't be sure. The children in the audience did love her though. And I have to say that I fully loved this entire movie with every cholesterol clogged atom of my grotty heart. I don't think it's quite my favourite film from Laika studios but it's certainly my favourite film with a Big Foot in. Not that I can think of many more I guess. It's better than John Lithgow's Harry And The Hendersons I guess? Although I don't know if you remember John Lithgow also played a character who was suffering from a particularly awful case of Alzheimer's in Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes? Well, Harry And The Hendersons becomes a lot more enjoyable when you pretend that it's actually how Lithgow's tragically ill character from Rise is processing the events going on around him. I mean, but, you know.. Missing Link is still miles better. 

This film is filled with really strong and likeable characters, it's really funny, and as a stop-motion movie, it obviously looks incredible. I honestly don't know how people have the patience to work on stop-motion as if I'm even forced to watch a five-second advert on youtube then I have to resist the urge not to drop kick the computer out of the fucking window. This is also proof however that like a chef who wanks off into your main course, the filmmakers have filled their work with their love. I mentioned that the story of Missing Link is pretty simple before but trust me when I say that this is absolutely one of its many positive points too. Not only have we got Trump in the White House and Brexit in our country... I mean right now of course, who the fuck knows where we'll be at when you're reading this.. but I read the other day that if I want to continue to go on porn then I'm going to have to pop to the corner shop and buy myself a wank card to prove I'm old enough to touch my own fucking wanger. Reality is far too complicated at the minute and even if you try your best to avoid the misery of the modern world then you'll still find drops of news splashing all over you like a golden shower in the presidential suite of a Russian hotel. In which case, Missing Link is perfect for those just trying to switch off, for children looking for a fun adventure, and even for my friend Graham. Even if he is so backward that as my speech went on to claim that, “he used to believe in reincarnation and that he once claimed 37 to be his prime number because he thought that prime numbers were simply, “your favourite number”. Thanks for reading, motherfuckers, and see you next time. 


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