22 September 2014

Busting My Ghostly Cherry


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Personally, I don't believe in the supernatural because I'm both a grown up and not a complete fucking idiot. I'd hate to offend people by saying that everybody who claims to have seen a ghost is stupid as that's clearly not true... some of them are obviously just full of shit. When I was a teenager, I claimed that I was visited by ghosts every night, however that wasn't so much true as it was me desperately trying to explain away the ectoplasm that was splattered around my room. To be honest, I'm not even sure if I like the idea of being able to return to this world once I've snuffed it. On the one hand it'd be nice to believe that there was something more than this miserable life, but then on the other I'm not too keen on the idea of being watched in the shower by an invisible gang of dead perverts. Presumably, being a ghost is just like having invisibility as a superpower so, if there was any truth to this bollocks, then there'd be a shit load more hauntings in female changing rooms than seem to go reported. In fact, I like to imagine that Angelina Jolie wouldn't be an actress anymore either as she'd be too busy being possessed by beings that insist she spend the bulk of her day frigging herself off in front of a mirror... I think the key words in that last sentence were “I like to imagine”.
But enough about my fantasies! On the subject of the supernatural, I decided that it was about time that I became a more complete human being and watched the film Ghostbusters for the first time ever! Well, I say ever... I saw it once when I was a kid but I was so young that I was still at that age where anything that I experience doesn't so much become a memory as it does a potential future 'issue'. So, do I even need to do the plot? It always seemed like I was the only person who hadn't seen this film anyway, so what's the point? It was like a dirty secret I had that if ever discovered would cause the person to say “You've not seen Ghostbusters?!with the kind of hate and offence that should only really be reserved for an encounter with a pedophile, a murderer, or even more disgustingly, Piers Morgan. Well, for those few who haven't seen it, the plot is everything that you probably suspect it to be, having had thirty years of pop-culture force it onto you like a drunk husband in an abusive marriage. There are ghosts out causing shit and so an all star cast consisting of Bill Murray, Dan Akroyd, Harold Ramis, and some black guy decide to make some money by capturing them and saving the day. That's about it really, I suppose... The only thing to complicate it is the fact that Sigourney Weaver finds a demonic alternate dimension in her fridge that suggests the world might be about to come to an end. Possibly the scariest thing anybody has ever found in a fridge, with the exception of Jeffrey Dahmer's arresting officers.

They're looking for the blowjob dog in the Overlook Hotel.
As I write this now, I'm twenty-five years old meaning that it's basically taken me a quarter of a century to actually watch this film properly. It therefore saddens me to have to say that despite the hype, it was an absolute festering turd. I hated it more than I hate being physically hurt and I say that as a chap who is no stranger to accidentally sitting on his own testicles. For a start, the story was even shitter than an actual shit that's been eaten by a dog and then shit back out as what must only now be considered a mega-shit! But even worse than that were the fucking jokes! Despite the cast being as talented as I thought they were, this film is about as funny as finding a six inch blood-blister up your anus and then accidentally popping it. The acting too was diabolically shoddy and despite my love of the people involved, it felt like I was watching an amateur play in which a troupe of confused alcoholics are forced to gurgle out lines for half a pint and a stale bag of pork scratchings. It took me twenty-five years to get around to watching this film- now that I feel like I've had somebody crack open my skull and piss directly onto my brain, I'm worried that I may have rushed into it.

Anyway, so none of that was true by the way, as obviously I fucking loved it! Sorry about that... it just seemed so predictable to like the film that I thought I'd briefly write something different before joining the faceless zombie masses and singing Ghostbusters praises. Ah well... To save us both time, just imagine the opposite of all that negative stuff and that's basically what I actually think. It was brilliant! The story was great, the jokes were funny, and the acting was as good as you'd expect it to be from the legends involved. If this was a review and I gave out stars then there'd be no question that it'd get five out of five, but I think I've talked too much about shit and genitals for this to be a real review so fuck the stars, I'll just tell you what you already know and say that it's amazing!

Obviously the effects are a little dated now, but I suppose that's just part of the film’s charm. As crap as Slimer might look, it's still funny and fun and so really what more could you ask for? I'm a huge fan of Bill Murray and although I think I still prefer Groundhog Day, it's still good to see him doing what he does best. In fact, all of the cast work really well together with the first three Ghostbusters all having a really nice dynamic and mix of personalities. If I ever have any criticism in this department then I suppose it is with the addition of Ernie Hudson's Winston who just sort of shows up out of the blue and then doesn't really do anything. At this point, the plot has kicked into gear and so not only does he not get chance to develop his character as well as everybody else has, but nor does he really add anything to the story. For all I know, Winston might come into his own in Ghostbusters 2 and become one of the greatest characters of all time but as far as this film goes, he was a little bit pointless.  I hate to use that word that begins with 'T' and ends in 'oken' but I have to say that I was more than surprised when the film ended and he hadn't been the first to die.

There's nothing wrong with farting yourself into the air...
The other thing that surprised me was how unsuitable for kids this film kind of is... I'd always assumed it was a family movie but the gang swear like troopers and smoke like chimneys. I don't know why there hasn't been a third film in the franchise although part of me suspects that it might be because they've all died of fucking lung cancer by now. I have no problem with people smoking in films and if that's something that their character should do then that's obviously fine. But what with all the pissy parents who scream about anything that might negatively influence their little brats, it was kind of shocking to see it happening so casually. Not only that but there are two relatively crude references to sex that shocked me too... The first was this really random cut-scene of Dan Aykroyd having a wet dream in which a ghost gives him a blow job and the second was when a possessed Sigourney Weaver tells a horny Bill Murray that she wants him inside of her. Again, I'm not criticising the film as both made me laugh and, fuck it, I don't have any kids that need protecting so who gives a shit. I just thought it was interesting to see how times have changed and how overly sensitive we now are to the stuff we allow our children to see. Showing them the X-Factor in which a gang of smug millionaires sneer at the dreams of people with obvious mental problems is fine, but God help us if they see a lit cigarette in an adult’s mouth. 

It's been thirty years since the film’s release and its influence can be felt all over the place. Whether it be The Frighteners, Luigi's Mansion, that Zombieland cameo, or simply anybody who’s left a fancy dress party until the last minute and luckily has access to a boiler suit, backpack and Super-soaker. There's no denying how important Ghostbusters is in regards to pop-culture and I honestly have no idea why it's taken me this long to watch it. But sod it because I've seen it now and like a would be smack-head who’s just been given their first free hit, I already can't wait to experience it again! I might not believe in the supernatural in real life and I doubt that if ghosts did exist they'd just throw shit about like annoying little twats, however I really loved this film and am happy that I'll no longer have people acting so offended about me having not already seen it. Now I just need to see the fucking Blues Brothers and maybe they'll stop judging me completely. I've seen works by Fritz Lang, Tarkovsky, Kieslowski but God help me if I've not seen John Belushi in a pair of fucking sunglasses! Anyway, thanks for reading motherfuckers and see you next time! 

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