11 February 2013

It's A Cruel World After All



Disney fucking pisses me off, with their happy-happy world that just doesn't exist in any form of reality whatsoever. In a Disney film, everything is so boringly perfect and everybody so annoyingly happy that I can only assume that all of the characters are off their tits on ecstasy. Just for once I'd like to see a story that focuses on the adventures of Mickey and Goofy as they try to hide the rotting corpse of a butchered up whore who they killed whilst raging on bath salts. 
I understand that these are kids’ movies but children really need to know that the world is a shitty place just so that adulthood doesn’t come as quite a shock to them. I don't remember how a film like Dumbo actually concluded but I doubt they went for the realism of having the elephant shot in the face so that its teeth could be turned into an expensive piano.

"We should stab each other."
The depressing truth is that in our world, the closet thing to a happy ending is the cheeky wank you  receive after a particularly expensive massage. As for the idea of couples in love living happily ever after, well, that little Disney rule can go fuck itself up the arse with a dildo wrapped in serrated divorce papers. Let’s try to pretend that people do stay together and happy then one of them has to die first leaving their partner old, frail, depressed and alone. The only way a loving couple can live happily ever after is if at the peak of their joy they make a suicide pact and hurl themselves off a particularly high bridge and into that day’s heavy rush hour traffic. It's not that I hate Disney films, it's just that I can't cope with the misery of our world after ninety minutes of their bullshit propaganda for the gullible optimist.

Despite it's preoccupation with world domination and in-between buying and owning everything ever, Disney has somehow found the time to release a new animated film called Wreck-It Ralph. This film tells the story of how our computer game characters come alive within their consoles when there are no humans around to play them. So basically it's kind of like the setting of Tron crossed with the concept of Toy Story but without the constant references to a young boy playing with his Woody. Within the arcade community of Wreck-It Ralph, the various characters can travel into each others worlds and interact with each other allowing them to form a society consisting of bars, support groups and prejudice. Like we humans ignorantly hate our minority groups or anybody different to ourselves, so too do computer game characters. As a result when everybody comes alive they all have a great time except for the game’s villains who are demonised and cast out like AIDs infected lepers at a lucky-dip sex party.
"After killing 85 people I hid in the subway
and the police just forgot about me"

The film follows the title character of Wreck-It Ralph who is the bad guy in his own game and starting to feel a little lonely after being shunned for thirty years by all of the heroes. As a result, Ralph attends a support group for game villains in which they all discuss their grievances and learn to accept themselves for who they are. It's a strange to note that of all the cameos in this scene they bizarrely don't have anybody from Grand Theft Auto which is a shame. Having said that, with some of the things I've made Niko Bellic do, there's a chance he may have been shunned from even here. In a way I suppose break-time in Hell would be similar to this, with wrongdoers consoling each other. But instead of Bowser and Doctor Eggman it'd be cunts like Myra Hindley, Vlad the Impaler and Bernard Manning. This group session however results in Ralph declaring that he's sick of being the bad guy and that he actually wants to be liked by those that he spends his working day tormenting. Kind of like a Nazi prison guard deciding that when he's off duty he should be more than welcome down at the local synagogue.

After ruining a party that he wasn't invited to, Ralph announces to his game’s characters that he is going to become a hero for them to respect and befriend. This takes him on a huge mission that involves a futuristic first person shooter and a racing game set in some colourful world made of biscuits and product placement. So he pretty much just enters two games that so closely rip off Halo and Mario Kart that I'm surprised that their companies lawyers haven't started ejaculating with joy and plans to sue. However it's in the latter of those two places that we're introduced to the young and potentially annoying supporting character Venellope. She's a young girl who dreams of being a racer despite being a glitch. This basically means she can't help but unintentionally zap around like a broken version of X-Men 2's Nightcrawler. I suppose she's the gaming world's equivalent of someone with special needs as she suffers from an apparent case of teleportation Tourette’s.

From this point on, the film follows a fairly formulaic path which to it's benefit does manage to wrap up all of the competing subplots. However, no matter how tidily everything might end up being that still means from about half way in there's absolutely no surprises whatsoever. I suppose it's kind of like shagging the same person for the tenth year in a row, it's not that you aren't having fun but just that everything has gotten a little predictable. In fact the analogy can be taken even further as the only reason you're still doing them is because like with each character in Wreck-It Ralph, you simply enjoy their personality.  

We had to censor his
language for a reason...
Ralph himself is basically everything you'd expect from a likeable down-and-out with the voice of John C Reilly. Imagine the lonely policeman from Magnolia but instead of fighting crime, his job is to smash the shit out of buildings whilst looking like someone's turned a gorilla inside out. In actual fact for me I would say that this aspect was the biggest let down. Clearly Wreck-It Ralph aims to play off our nostalgia for computer games and as someone whose childhood consisted solely of exploring Hyrule, I have a lot of fond memories. However the film instead decides to focus on characters that we've never seen before whilst relegating the more familiar faces to enjoyable but brief cameos. To make matters more noticeable, Ralph as implied is basically a bald Donkey Kong with the hero of his game having clearly been inspired by Mario. As much as I did like Ralph, I couldn't help but think that he'd have been invested with a lot more pathos if it had actually been someone I've spent hours of my life playing as. To emphasise this point, there's a scene in which Q*bert appears as a tramp which is a lot more affecting simply because it's our neglect that has left him in this state. I say he's a tramp but lets face it Q*bert is clearly designed for one thing and that's sucking cock. He's basically just a fleshlight on legs and only slightly less sexy than Mario's equally whorish Birdo.

Another very slight problem that I had here was exactly what I ranted about at the start. The film is all about the burden of loneliness and yet still it insists on having a feel good ending. It's not that I didn't expect it but there's a moment near the end in which Ralph pretty much attempts suicide and gets annoyingly rescued before it's too late. I think it bothered me because stupidly for one nano-second I actually thought he was going to proper top himself and traumatise the children with a little bit of reality. I know people think kids should be protected from darkness but fuck that! Time Bandits is one of the best kids films of all times and that ends with the kid alone and presumably about to be sectioned. I saw Misery when I was about five years old and the only way I can think of that movie potentially damaging me is that now I can't get erections without thinking of dead animals.

The ghosts of actual
victims of this violent game.
Like I said though, Wreck-it Ralph is still an enjoyable film. It might not be overly memorable or particularly life changing but it's still good fun. To its credit, it does also seem to be continuing a rule that the best computer game movies aren't based on any actual computer game at all. Films like Scott Pilgrim and Crank are great fun whereas something like Super Mario Bros makes me want to hang myself with a NES controller whilst crying. This might not quite reach the heights of Toy Story but as a celebration of a gaming culture, I can appreciate its love for all things 8bit. I might not be desperate to see a sequel but I'm glad it exists if only to inspire kids to go out and find some retro games to enjoy. Fucktards are always accusing things like GTA of encouraging real life violence but too many people forget about the great famine of the Pacman generation. People really do get brainwashed by games and it's about time the children were told what happened to Earth's supply of cherries.

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