18 February 2013

Cool Your Jets



Quickly I'm coming to the realisation that males and females just don't belong to the same species. It's not that I don't like girls because I really do, it's more that their thought process is a complete and utter mystery to me. Trying to work out what a girl wants is as difficult as trying to read Tolstoy's War and Peace if it was written in Klingon by a dyslexic nutter with shit for ink. In fact I'd still be oblivious as to whether a girl liked me even if she whipped out her tits and lunged pussy-first towards my cock. I think with guys you know where you stand because for the most part we're fairly simple beings. I mean if a bloke hasn't punched you in the face or slyly dipped his knob in your pint then the chances are that he thinks you're okay. Girls on the other hand will have you jumping through fucking hoops to get their approval as though you're a horny dolphin desperately performing for just a whiff of fish.

Having said that though, I would much rather be living this life in my sheer confusion than be gay. I know we're meant to live in an open minded world but unfortunately we don't. Personally I couldn't care less who fancies who but sadly there are still a lot of ignorant fuckwits out there making other peoples lives unnecessarily difficult. Homophobia is such a strange thing because it basically involves getting Hulk smashingly mad about somebody else's fondness for a bit of bum-loving. I don't know about you but becoming so emotional over what some guy does with his own dick sounds pretty gay to me. Luckily though there is one place on this Earth where prejudice doesn't exist and men who love each other can live in peace. I am of course talking about an American Naval aircraft carrier which according to Top Gun is the most homo-happy place in existence. If that film is to be believed then these ships are just giant floating gay bars but where they fly planes and blow people up instead of dancing to Kylie and getting slack from poppers.

"Your ego is writing cheques your body can't cash."
I feel at this point that I should summarise the plot of the movie which is annoyingly a pretty difficult thing to do. There are two ways to read this film which is the intended way or the gay way. The intended way is that it's about a bunch of pilots who all bond and fly planes and I think briefly fight some Russians… to be honest though, that version of the film is actually pretty dull. Taken for what it is, Top Gun is an overly cheesy, 80's movie that thankfully has at least a few good action scenes in it. Unfortunately though watching footage of planes fly around for two hours really isn't that enjoyable to me considering I'm not a six year old child or a maladjusted dullard. As much as I appreciate a glimpse of the metal bird as it whizzes past with its shiny wings, I'd still prefer at least a tiny bit of story now and again too. Oh and with its cheap keyboard-cat sounding music the film has really badly dated to shit in the last twenty years. In fact the only other thing that I can think of that has aged this badly since the 80's is probably Mickey Rourke's face which now resembles a death mask of his own arse.

However to fully enjoy this film you really need to watch it with the gay slant in mind. I'd heard of Top Gun’s reputation for being about a gang of homo-pilots but nothing prepared me for quite how unsubtle it was. Back in 1994 a film was released called Sleep With Me in which for some reason somebody had once again given Tarantino an acting job. Although the film has been mostly forgotten the one thing that it is remembered for is QT's spot on analysis of Top Gun as being a gay metaphor. To quickly summarise his points, it's that Tom Cruise is sexually confused and torn between being straight or gay. Here the Navy represents homosexuality and Kelly McGillis's unprofessional tutor represents heterosexuality. Throughout the film both the Navy and Kelly McGillis fight for his affection before Cruise makes his choice and inevitably becomes a full on, high-flying sodomite.

"So tell me again about fisting..."
There are several obvious reasons why this film is brilliantly about a bunch of gay people and all it takes is a simple viewing to figure it out. These observations aren't particularly analytical because it's just so in your face that I genuinely can't see how it could be unintentional or go unnoticed. For a start all of the characters have clearly got boyfriends so Maverick is obviously fucking Goose, Iceman is fucking Slider and Viper is fucking Jester. They all announce if they have an erection from seeing each other, spend way too much time flashing their cocks whilst lingering in the changing rooms and then there's the dialogue. At one point as an example Slider asks, “Whose butt did you kiss to get in here anyway?” to which Goose replies. “The list is long, but distinguished” before Slider ends the conversation by saying, “Yeah, well so is my Johnson”. It might sound tenuously about the Military but it is clearly a jealous man accusing another of being a slag before concluding the debate by trying to seduce him.

"Utter one more syllable and I'll have you killed."
Perhaps out of context it might sound like I'm reaching for it, but seriously- watch it and you'll see that every conversation between any two men is just brimming with sexual tension. Every time I see Maverick and Iceman together it genuinely feels as though they're about to violently fuck each other whilst Goose has a cry in the background. Sure Maverick might shag Kelly McGillis at one point but it's clear he's picturing Valerie Kilmer when he does it and you can tell he's sticking it up her arse for old time’s sake. It's such a joyless fuck between them that it simply highlights Cruise and McGillis complete lack of compatibility. Maverick probably has more sexual chemistry with miscellaneous props such as tables and microphones than he does with her although in her defence microphones are fairly cock-shaped. Also if McGillis is the character that is intended to lure Cruise into being straight would it not make sense to cast someone at least a little more tempting? At the time she looked old enough to be his bloody mother but now aged just 55 she's already started to resemble a cheap Judi Dench lookalike.

Anyway I know I'm going on about the gay thing but that's because it's clearly the best thing about this movie. Minorities are always neglected when it comes to having heroes and so it's nice that here exists an action movie that non-judgementally provides them with a few. Night of the Living Dead is always being praised for providing the world with its first black hero for which colour was irrelevant and I genuinely believe Top Gun deserves equal credit. On its own, this film is just a series of adverts for ships, planes, motorbikes and stupidity. By assuming they're all boyfriends though everything suddenly makes a lot more sense and the film is elevated into a brilliant 80's oddity that even homophobes can obliviously enjoy. Sure the aviation footage is pretty cool but if all I wanted to see was what the world looked like from up high I'd probably just throw myself off a bridge… which of course brings me neatly to the subject of director Tony Scott.

I think that like many people I genuinely had no clue of how much of a fan of him I was until he'd died. Throughout his career I tended to dismiss news of his upcoming films on the grounds that they would probably be shit. As it turns out most of them actually were. However as rubbish as Beverly Hills Cop Two might be, it's hard to actually dislike many of his films simply because of their huge balls and joyful simplicity. Scott may have been a little keen on the hand-cranking in his later films but it was never at the expense of character or acting. When you remember Man on Fire it's not the shoot-outs that linger but the emotion between Denzel Washington and Dakota Fanning. Well that and the whole bomb up the arse thing I suppose.

With hindsight, Scott really was one of the kings of crappy action movies but unlike Michael Bay he didn't simply rely on CGI and the dedication of a brain-dead fanbase of morons. In Top Gun when the planes fly about at break-neck speed it was because he had ensured the support and assistance of the American Navy. If Bay had made that film you can guarantee everything would be made of pixels and instead of being joyously gay it would probably be disturbingly sexist.

"These balls have sand all over them!"
Scotts death made me want to re-view his work and when going through his back catalogue you'll quickly notice that there's always a True Romance and Last Boy Scout for every Domino and Déjà Vu. Sure Top Gun is a bit crap but I can honestly say that at no point did I find myself bored. Admittedly his films are at their best when watched in company and without too much concentration but in the end that's not a bad thing. When casually hanging out with a gang of friends it's more fun to watch something as silly as Top Gun than banging in Schindler's List and then organising a few minutes silence for after the credits. People slag Top Gun off for trying to show the Navy in an appealing light but fuck them! It's not a promotional tool for the Military but an educational film about homosexuality. Anyone who doesn't believe that is clearly yet to behold the joy and proof of the gayest volley ball scene ever committed to film.

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