14 October 2019

A Couple Of Guys Who Were Up To No Good

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I was talking to a friend in work the other day about the new film Gemini Man when they asked me, “if you had a clone would...”, to which I replied “fuck him? I don't think I'd leave the house we'd be fucking so often”. I'm not gay but if you're having sex with your actual self then I presume that technically just counts as a more advanced form of masturbation, right? “I'd have to hope that the other me is more prepared to be the taker though”, I added. “Well.. he'd be as willing to be the taker as you are considering that you're the same person”, my friend said. This was true and so I played the whole thing out in my head. My clone and I would definitely be okay with tugging each other off to start with and I think that once we'd broken that boundary we'd probably move on to blow-jobs. I honestly can't say that I ever want a dick in my mouth but if it's basically my dick and my clone is willing to do the same to me then I guess it works out? Once we've gone this far though I suspect we'd be at the point of no return and within the week we'd just be bumming each other none stop to the point of starvation. 

None of this is covered in the movie itself of course which tells the story of the fifty-year-old Will Smith deciding that it's time to quit his life as a master assassin. He says that after killing 72 people that it's starting to destroy his soul which sounds a bit like bullshit to me. If killing people is going to destroy your soul then I reckon that it'll happen within the first three kills max. Maybe you commit your first murder because someone really pissed you off. I don't know how? Maybe they told you and your co-worker to “stop talking” whilst you were chatting about how you wouldn't let your own clone 'finish' in your own mouth. Then maybe you kill a few more people that inconvenience you because of how good it felt to off that first fucking jobsworth. But if you're still killing people after that then I get the feeling that it might just be your thing. Killing is probably a bit like asking somebody to lay a turd on your chest whilst you're fucking because it's so disgusting that only the real enthusiasts take part. That sentence was pretty rough. Maybe I'll up the tone from here on out. My point is that Will Smith deciding that his 72nd murder is too much like spotting a secondhand jar of lube in a charity shop that supports underfunded Nazis, because it's just not something that I'm going to buy.

Unbeknownst to Will Smith however his boss, Clive Owen, has somehow cloned him and has decided to send this younger clone out to kill him to prevent his retirement. I guess for the sake of ease we'll call the younger clone version of Will Smith The Fresh Prince and the older original version The Now Stale Prince. But I suppose the obvious question is simply 'why?'. Why would Clive Owen not let The Now Stale Prince just retire? To which the answer is, err - I don't know? Because Clive Owen is the bad guy? Maybe that bit was explained and I missed it because the film was honestly so fucking boring that I thought I was going to need a paracetamol for the fucking pain. I went for career advice the other week in which the advisor was an hour later for my appointment before then spending another hour simply telling me to do an online Government quiz. I then spent a further fifteen minutes doing that quiz only for it to tell me that my ideal job would be as a fucking circus entertainer. I mean that doesn't even narrow it down. Am I doing back-flips on horses or just being spun on a revolving wall as some prick throws knives at me with his fucking eyes closed? But of all the things that I've recently done, I'd say that Gemini Man was the biggest waste of my time. Why go to the cinema to see this when you can recreate the experience at home by simply watching the superior Looper on DVD whilst listening to 'Gettin' Jiggy Wit It' and hitting yourself in the head with a fucking brick? 

I also don't know why Clive Owen sent The Fresh Prince out to kill The Now Stale one without telling either of them that they'd been cloned or were a clone. Did he not think that this might cause some conflict of interest when the younger one spots the older one and notices that they have the same fucking face? Are you honestly telling me that he wouldn't recognise his older self? We've all got apps that'll show us that kind of shit. When the Russians released that app to show you how you'll look when you're old I ended up taking so many pictures that if they were storing our images then they'd need at least one data centre for the pictures of my balls alone. Or had Clive Owen been attempting to raise the younger one into being a self-hating racist in which he simply dismisses the similarity as 'all black people just look the same'? If my first job at a new place of work... which is the fucking circus apparently... was to meet an older clone version of myself and then shoot him in the fucking head then at the very least it would give me some reservations about the odds of my own future retirement. It'd be nice to get a blow job on the first day of work though I suppose. Not that I could believe that anybody would trust Clive Owen in the slightest of course. None of the characters are particularly well drawn out but his is so shallow that it's a wonder that he wasn't twirling a moustache and denying a workhouse of orphaned clones their extra fucking gruel.

I guess the other thing that you'll wonder about in regards to this film is about how convincing the effects work on the younger Will Smith is. In which case I'd have to report that there were times it seemed pretty fake but it was just about believable enough which is admittedly how I feel about Will Smith's performances at the best of times anyway. Take that, Will Smith! It's also not as effective as I'm guessing they'd all like it to be because of how good Will Smith already looks for his age anyway. So there's not a huge amount of contrast to be blown away by I suppose. How about you set yourself a real challenge and try to make Harrison Ford look about twenty instead? Or better yet you could cast Mickey Rourke and I'd simply be impressed if you could make one of him look fucking human again. You can tell that they've tried to hide a lot of the effects too which is why I suspect that most of the action scenes are close-up, fast cut, and set in the fucking dark. But in our modern world in which we now have the John Wick series you have to wonder what the point is of making an action film if you're not going to show the actual fucking action. It'd be like making a porno in which they switch the lights off at the start and then all you can hear is the grunting for the next few minutes. In fact, that's exactly what this was like. Maybe Will Smith was fucking his clone after all?

By all accounts, the script for this movie has been knocking around for decades which probably explains why it feels like one of Arnie's more forgettable movies from the early '90s. Except it also has a post-Bourne seriousness to it which I suspect is an attempt at making it feel more current for our modern audience. But as forgettable as something like Arnie's Eraser might be, you have to ask if it'd really be improved if you took the fun scenes out such as the one in which he fights a crocodile to death before uttering the line “You're luggage”. Sure this might be directed by Ang Lee but none of this boredom should really be unexpected from something staring The Now Stale Prince when considering that most of his films are pretty shit anyway. Yeah, I know that most of you are nostalgic for the early days and his bullshit with whatever the fuck a Jazzy Jeff was but fuck it. Beyond Men In Black, Independence Day, Enemy Of The State, and Ali, I dare you to find a good movie that he's in. Aladdin? Fuck off. The Pursuit Of Happyness? Try again. Concussion? Are you actually brain-damaged? In fact, if there's any reason to cast him in a film with his own clone it would be as revenge for Wild Wild West so that he literally can now go fuck himself. The film is called Gemini Man after the twin brothers of Castor and Pollux from Greek mythology. But if you're going to name this movie after a Greek myth then perhaps Sisyphus Man would be apter because like pushing a boulder up a hill it was hard work, nothing new, and ultimately fucking pointless. Yeah, that's right, we start by talking about shitting on peoples chests but we end with a high-brow reference to Greek mythology. Thanks for reading, motherfuckers, and see you next time.

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